prompt: (for the common app short answer) In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
This past summer I expected to do an internship in the surgery department in Beth Israel Medical Center. I aspire to be a surgeon someday, so volunteering there would allow me the experience to see an actual surgery, up close and personal. However, a mix up had me as an intern in the physical therapy department, or rehab as it is called. I was disappointed. But as the weeks progressed, my attitude changed, and I began to think of more than just myself, and what I wanted. Although I wasn't in my ideal department, either way, I was still helping people, supplying the patients with hot packs, and reporting their progress after each exercise. I filed charts, and conversed with the patients. My internship allowed me to explore a different field, and I was able to learn from the therapist, who gave me "pop quizzes" each week.
However, a mix up had me as an intern in the physical therapy department, or rehab as it is called. I was disappointed. But as the weeks progressed, my attitude changed
I do not think that this is necessary, especially since this is the 150 word common app. Just start out stating that you interned at a physical therapy department. They don't want to hear about how you got mixed up and how you wanted to intern in the surgery dep.
Use all 150 words elaborating on your experience in the phys therapy department. You only have two sentences that actually answer the question.
I think that the last sentence should give the reader a sense of closure even though there is no formal conclusion.
Btw, I want to be a surgeon also :P
Yeah, I would leave out the mixup.
Indirectly, it sounds like you are blaming someone else, even though you are not. You don't want to seem mean haha
the "pop quizzes" is kinda random.
nice subject though :)
I don't know if it's bad to change an essay this much, but this is what I added or moved around. It is only 106 words, so you should add more about the experience itself. If it was for an impressive amount of time, you could add that if it is not already documented. Also, the 'pop quizzes' needed to be changed; if you have a better idea for how to change that, please do. Also, I don't know if the mess-up is important. If your interest in surgery is very important to you, then you might keep it. Otherwise, cut it out.
This past summer I obtained an internship at Beth Israel Medical Center. I aspire to be a surgeon, so volunteering at a medical center provided me with valuable experience. An error placed me in physical therapy instead of the surgery department, but I adapted readily to the change as I discovered I was still helping people; supplying patients with hot packs, reporting individual progress after each exercise, filing charts, and conversing with patients during their recovery period. My internship allowed me to explore a different medical field; I gained practical knowledge and I was able to learn from the therapist, who asked my progress each week.
kenziii-
I don't think that you should not remodel essays for the author. Grammatical errors are good to point out but reorganizing it detracts from the author's writing style and obscures the writer's true capability.
I don't think that you should not remodel essays for the author. Grammatical errors are good to point out but reorganizing it detracts from the author's writing style and obscures the writer's true capability.
It's fine -- and often very useful -- to suggest structural changes.
well, lets be honest, so many people do these internships and hospital volunteer things that i wanted to be a little different and give the reader something different to look at. it must be boring reading something like this:
this summer i was able to do an intership at a hospital! i gained the EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME helping people feel better and helping physical therepist with their patients. Not only did i bring hot packs to them, but i also even got a taste of what it was like to be an actual therepist as i told some of the people their workouts. my summer in the hospital couldnt get any better than that!
^^ COME ON >.< i figured if i told of the mixup it would give me some more "depth" and make it seem like not just another happy go lucky volunteer story.
idk just a thought. but if it is that bad, i guess ill change it :P
andd, i agree the ending was a little random... i just sorta didnt know what else to put. i will continue to work it out i guess.
to liebe, helping the patients mainly.
your right, it does need more depth.
i figured if i told of the mixup it would give me some more "depth" and make it seem like not just another happy go lucky volunteer story.
Haha...
The first two sentences take up valuable space that can be used to introduce your actual volunteer experience.
And it is the part where your describing your experience at rehab that needs the depth anyway.