Hi! Could anyone take the time to revise this essay? Aside from grammatical errors, I would like to know if the overall picture is decent. Thank you!
Carnegie Mellon is esteemed as one of the top engineering universities in the nation, and I would be incredibly honored to be part of such a magnificent institute. This is the perfect place for me to pursue my major as a computer engineer.
Ever since middle school, I have been intrigued by the complexities of computer hardware; the "guts" of a computer. I've always wondered just what lay inside a computer's metallic casing, and the moment I opened the case I was shocked to see all the lights and humming inside. It was like peering into a tiny world- there were lights flickering to indicate hard drive activity, fans spinning to blow heat away, and whirring from old parts scraping against metal. How could all these parts work together jointly to operate such a powerful machine? Upon further scrutiny, I noticed that there were little lines that ran along the motherboard that resembled little roads. Capacitors, resistors, and transformers that were raised above the motherboard looked like buildings and skyscrapers. I was in awe. I wanted to live in this tiny, almost unrealistic world. I wanted to make this place more efficient, more powerful, and more convenient.
While progressing from year to year, I've noticed how the sizes of computer began to shrink: from the monstrous grey behemoths that filled up entire rooms to the net-book and tablets that dwarf in size to past computers. It has been my dream since then to try to figure out how to reduce the size of the modern computer in order for convenience, all the while increasing the power. Through the years in high school, after learning about circuitry in physics and gaining expertise in math with the hardest Calculus classes my school has to offer, I've been able to gather more knowledge about just how to pursue my dream. I knew that engineers all over the world were succeeding in bringing the form factor of the computer down while improving their performance-and I wanted to be a part of this.
Being in a prestigious yet condensed engineering school, I can be sure to focus more on hands-on research in my field, something that I won't have a privilege of doing at a large engineering school. This size also allows me the option of true interdisciplinary research, which would broaden my perspectives and allow for a greater learning experience for the me, something that I look forward to. The college of engineering has also earned a reputation of "innovation through collaboration." A diverse collection of people can offer solutions far more appreciable than can one group, and these refined solutions present a myriad of opportunities for innovation and at the Center for Circuit & Systems Solutions research center, I'll have get the chance to cultivate my dream for developing "big things in small packages."
Last but definitely not least, Carnegie Mellon has a diverse student body, which is quintessential to the my holistic learning. By acquainting myself with a diverse environment, I can expect to receive many different inputs based on culture, ethnicity, and identities. Bringing us closer would foster a sense of unity that engineers and individuals alike must achieve in order to achieve greatness.
With all these opportunities in mind, I can expect to achieve greatness here are Carnegie Mellon, which, without doubt, is my university of choice. I can begin to work on the awe-inspiring world that I discovered years ago, and truly immerse myself in this wonderful environment.
I feel that the beginning sentence in bold should be placed somewhere else.
Comma after case I was shocked
lowercase the "t" in There were lights flickering
Run on in "There were lights flickering indicating hard drive activity" (maybe you can say there were lights flickering to indicate hard drive activity <--(this helps the parallel flow of the sentence)
There were lights flickering indicating hard drive activity, fans spinning to blow heat away, and whirring from old parts scraping against metal (take away the comma after drive activity and from away, and whirring)
from the monstrous grey behemoths people used to call computers, to the midsized desktop computers that offered incredible power at an affordable prize, to the net-book that dwarfed in size to other computers . <--when you say from..to... you can only list 2 objects. maybe take out the middle object and just include the first object and the last object.
your third paragraph. make sure you stay consistent with "I". take out your "one's" after would broaden one's perspectives
you have a lot of run-ons. Also, your essay is kind of hard to read. I think if you corrected those and made your essay a little bit more concise, I think it would be a great essay.
=)
The first paragraph is not meaningful. It's just sending some happy sunshine at them and stating your chosen field of study. I think you can change that para so that it expresses a concept that is as unique as your own vision of the future. Right now, that paragraph is "fluff."
Ever since middle school, I have been ..---- great writing in this paragraph, but it's such a typical thing to say "I have always been..."
I think this paragraph should be shortened so that it includes only the best sentences...
...to try to figure out how to reduce the size of the modern computer in order for convenience, all the while increasing the power. ---This is not a very interesting goal, because people, as you said, have been doing it for years.
Last but definitely not least, fluff
Carnegie Mellon has a diverse student body---cliche!
Sorry, this post seems more critical than it really is. You obviously are a great language engineer, very good writing. They'll be impressed with the writing, but I think you can come up with a more meaningful aspiration than big things in small packages. You can make a plan right now, in this moment of inspiration, and it might be a great breakthrough.
