IS this intro about Page 87 of your autobiography to strong and risky?

I am applying to VCU and I am a little skeptical about using this introduction paragraph because I personally feel this is a little strong for the reader and it could become a turn off. I don't want to risk myself from getting rejected from this school because of my essay. So please give me feedback about this and let me know if I should keep it, revise it a little, or just trash it?

Prompt: Compose Page 87 of your autobiography. In this essay, you should be creative, considering where your life story would be at this point.

My Stomach quivers as I clench my jaw shut from regurgitation. The smell came off strong with a disturbing odor that I never smelled before. "Okay Cooper, go get the evidence kit and dust for prints around the broken window. I'll be here with the body waiting for the coroner's arrival." I glance up at the chief from the corner of my eye, I simply obliged his orders with a curt nod of the head and a "Sure thing, boss" response. I wince inwardly as I pass the lifeless body lying on the floor. "Such a shame, another victim of a heinous crime." I look up to see who said that, "The names Carl." I reach out to shake his hand "Kourtney, Nice to meet you Carl." I bend down to open up my kit and begin to put on my gloves. "So tell me about your self kid, where did you study?" I begin to take the cellophane tape, bristle brush and powder out of kit to begin my assignment. "Well I receive my degree at Virginia Commonwealth University in Criminal Justice: Crime Scene Investigation." I begin to sprinkle the powder over the ledge carefully to avoid contamination of any potential evidence I'm looking for. "Oh I see we have a smart one on our hands, I've seen some of the best coming out of that school. If your anything like what I've seen kid, you have one bright future." I look up to Carl "Oh Sir I am much more than that, I've study under the best by receiving the utmost superior education by nationally renown leaders in the field." I turn back to focus on my job, as my mind drifts off to my first memory of VCU. It all started when I received a big white envelope in the mail with the college's acronym posted on the top left corner.

I think the topic you chose is fine, and the description creates a favorable effect - engaging the reader by enticing his/her senses. I also like how you tied in VCU at the end. Perhaps it is a little cliche, but I don't think that ever really hurt anyone.

What I would suggest changing, however, is your sentence structure. Almost every sentence is declarative and begins with I. I wince, I begin, I look, I turn, etc. That's ok to do a couple of times, but after the first few instances it becomes noticeably repetitive. Try using different structures; they don't even have to be drastically rewritten. For example, instead of


try "Turning back to focus on my job, my mind drifts off to my first memory of VCU." This makes it easier to read.

Another thing I might suggest: when you have dialogue, try to make it sound more natural. Right now, the things both you and Carl say seem to come from the script of an 90's private-eye tv show. I think it would sound more realistic if the speech were more casual.

Otherwise, this essay has potential, and isn't too strong or risky. It needs a little work, but could go a long way.

Good luck.

I agree with alexg. The way your writing entices senses is an effective way to engage the reader. It is not too strong or risky. I enjoyed reading this. (: Awesome work!

"Oh I see we have a smart one on our hands, I've seen some of the best coming out of that school. If your anything like what I've seen kid, you have one bright future." I look up to Carl "Oh Sir I am much more than that, ----hahah, this seems really arrogant, but I know you are trying to say something that celebrates the school. Still, it seems arrogant.

I've study studied under the best by receiving the utmost superior education by nationally renown leaders in the field." this sentence does not mean anything. You should replace it with a sentence that refers to a specific professor or program at the school. All the nationally renown, utmost superior... all that stuff is unhelpful. You can replace this aggrandizement with any sentence you like, and it will be better.

I turn back to focus on my job, as my mind drifts off to my first memory of VCU. It all started when I received a big white envelope in the mail with the college's acronym posted on the top left corner.---great ending!! They'll have to accept you because of this great writing. The only part I don't like is the aggrandizement, because it is full of generic things to say. It needs to say specific things. :-)