I want to invent new gadgets and software, be a problem solver, and make peoples' life easier

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I was the only child who could not raise hand in the class of 50.

It was an embarrassing day, the beginning of New Year, when we, grade 5 students, whoever had a personal computer were told to raise hand. One could only take the computer science course if had a computer at home. Though interested a lot, I could not.

Mocked by my friends, I with a poignant heart anyhow collected tidbits of courage to speak with father and shared problem. Economic hardship, maybe, directed my father to just nod his head.

After a couple of days of question mark on me at school, I finally could reply "I now have a computer. My father finally bought it for me!"Actually he had brought a motherboard-- like other T.V. boards in my house. Although uttered lie, I could now happily take the computer science course.

Later, I needed to submit computer science projects --works related to Microsoft Office-on time, which comprised of 50% marks of computer science.

Even though had the fear of failing in the subject, I did not want to complain my parents and curse my fate for not having "an electronic device". To rise above extrapolation or pretend that I had had a computer, I, myself, determined to learn and submit the project anyhow. That day, for the first time I unfurled the sail of my ship, took the winds and moved towards the beacon light.

Using all the resources so far available was the only option. With the tiffin expenses given by my parents, I used to go to the cyber and practice the things taught by my teacher that day. Back home, my father, with the motherboard he has brought, used to teach me hardware stuffs, like the names and functions of various devices embedded in the motherboard. Additionally, he used to teach me to assemble the computer-installing the RAM, processor, additional cards, connecting the wires, installing heat sink, and many more.

I used to ask even strangers who knew about computer. Though been scolded couple of times, I did not stop.

As the days passed, in the middle of academic year of class 5, meaningless aerial view of city-like-motherboard and untouchable software was more meaningful to me. I could now recognize many "houses", their functions and could use the Microsoft Office, browser, and much other software with fluency.

I was far forward from the course taught by my teacher, which allowed me to spend more time on other subjects and extracurricular activities.

Soon, my academic performance saw better results-with full marks on computer science-- and opportunities to participate in different activities started becoming normality. This quantum leap was the most welcome surprise to me and my family. I do not know if I changed the circumstances or circumstances changed me; whatever way around, change definitely occurred.

In this course, I got strongly caught in the whirlpool of Computer Science. I have no idea, when the embryo of my affinity towards computer started to grow; when I learnt to fix the various problems of computer enthusiastically? I never knew when the lecture of Mr. Khadgi started to sink into my heart. But when I realized, I was already too involved; Computer was in my brain and my vein and the gravity, undeniably strong. Spending hours with friends discussing artificial intelligence, robotics or quantum computer became a part of my life. Helping to repair the computer and solve the problem of my friends, started to make me feel the rush of satisfaction and triumph.

After my 5th grade, I finally got my first computer-now a working full set. Days without learning new things in computer became rare. Experimenting with the computer hardware and software became daily routine. Any problem occurred in my computer started invigorating me and made me to solve it anyhow.

Had not I experienced the situation and pretended to have a computer, I could not find my potential, never could be able to explore myself, and never could start Tech club as a president-- in my school and Innovators' club as a program coordinator-- in high school.

At present, I want to research in computer and learn more of it. I want to invent new gadgets and software, be a problem solver, and make peoples' life much more comfortable and easier.

Hello, let me see if I read this right.

You were unable to raise your hand in class when your teacher asked those who owned a computer to. You were so unfortunate that your friends mocked you and this wasn't your fault because you are from a background with economic hardship but you did not let this uncertainty rob you of the opportunity to learn about the computer hardware from the motherboard your father could afford at that moment. This made your interest in computer increase and your academic and use of a computer is a proof to that development.

It's good to know you started tech club and innovators club, but you have to shine a light on that stating goals you have achieved with these clubs and if the clubs still exist at your school and how you have made an impact through those clubs when you were in leadership. It's also great that you want to learn more about the computer but it will be much easier to understand the type of gadgets and software you want to invent and the type of problem you want to solve because there are lots of problem to solve.

You have a good essay, get it together and organized and then we will work on your grammar to make your essay fun to read and easy to understand. Avoid mentioning motherboard severally relating to how you have mastered it.

Aswin, you should be telling this story as a flashback to a time in your life when your keen interest in computer hardware and software development was developed because of an educational need. Start the essay with an acknowledgement of your keen interest in these two related concepts. Then explain that you never thought that you would get to this point in your college career because your life experience with computers started out very difficult and almost impossible to attain. That way, the story that you will tell has a strong motivation for your current interest and shows that as a child, you learned the meaning of "necessity is the mother of invention" so to speak. You did what you could without a computer and succeeded even then, in pursuing your interests without getting caught in the lie that you told. That makes your background story poignant and admirable. It creates a point of interest for the reviewer that isn't just quite there in this version. Try to revise the start of the essay. It might help to create the discussion point that will entice the reviewer to give your application a shot.

@Holt
you're amazing! Thank you so much. Hoping for further help.

@CyanogenVivax
Thank you

@Holt
As per your suggestion I have re-written it like this:

As I woke up I turned on my computer, revised and resumed the programming language tutorial I had left. Moment later I got lost in the heavenly world, thinking, "I have to repair my neighbor's computer. According to his description, might be its hard drive has crashed." This is all I do when I am free but it joggles every now and then in my inner world. I can spend hours and hours happily when it comes to learning new things about computer. Every time people share their computer problem with me (they usually do), I get invigorated.

"Am I being too attached with computer?" I ask to myself often. Why would not I? I got into this desired point after many sheer uphills.

As the early days squeezes through my brain, I begin to appreciate the difficulties bestowed upon me. My experience with computers started out with almost impossible-to- attain situation. An incident pokes my sense and I get gratified upon it.

At grade five it was the beginning of the New Year: new class, new friends, and most of all new subjects to study. Sitting in the third bench, I was excited with the first class of the fifth grade. My excitement was piqued when my new computer teacher Mr. Khadgi entered our classroom. Abruptly he told us to raise hand if possessed a personal computer. One could only take the computer science course if had a computer at home. My excitement all shattered into pieces. I was the only student who could not raise hand in the class of 50. No doubt the effect was humiliating; but as the only student, its intensity turned much greater.

Mocked by my friends, I with a poignant heart anyhow collected tidbits of courage to speak with father and shared problem. Economic hardship, maybe, directed my father to just nod his head.

After a couple of days of question mark on me at school, I finally could reply "I now have a computer. My father finally bought it for me!"Yes I lied! I lied for computer science course.

Later, I needed to submit projects which comprised of 50% marks of computer science. Even though had the fear of failing in the subject, I did not want to complain my parents and curse my fate for not having "an electronic device". To rise above extrapolation or pretend that I had had a computer, I, myself, determined to learn and submit the project anyhow. That day, for the first time I unfurled the sail of my ship, took the winds and moved towards the beacon light.

Using all the resources so far available was the only option. With every penny of pocket money, I used to go to the cyber and practice the things taught by my teacher that day. I used to ask even strangers who knew about computer. Though been scolded couple of times, I did not stop. As the days passed, in the middle of academic year of class 5, before-meaningless aerial view of city-like-motherboard and untouchable software was more meaningful to me.

I was far forward from the course taught by my teacher, which allowed me to spend more time on other subjects and extracurricular activities.

Soon, my academic performance saw better results-with full marks on computer science-- and opportunities to participate in different activities started becoming normality. This quantum leap was the most welcome surprise to me and my family. I do not know if I changed the circumstances or circumstances changed me; whatever way around, change definitely occurred.

In this course, I got strongly caught in the whirlpool of Computer Science. I have no idea, when the embryo of my affinity towards computer started to grow; when I learnt to fix the various problems of computer enthusiastically, when the lecture of Mr. Khadgi started to sink deep into my heart. But when I realized, I was already too involved; Computer was in my brain and my vein and the gravity, undeniably strong.

Spending hours with friends discussing artificial intelligence, robotics or quantum computer became a part of my life. Helping to repair the computer and solve the problem of my friends, started to make me feel the rush of satisfaction and triumph.

Today, I have got computer. Days without learning new things in computer are rare. Experimenting with the computer hardware and software is my daily routine. Any problems occurred in computer cause a rush of adrenaline in me and I anyhow try to solve it.

Further, I want to research in computer and learn more of it. I want to invent new gadgets and software, be a problem solver, and make peoples' life much more comfortable and easier.

Please help me make it a better essay.
Thank in advance!

Aswin, your opening paragraph needs to be revised. Try to keep the focus of the essay on you from the very start of the essay. Don't digress by introducing dialogue about your neighbors computer. In fact, don't use any dialogue at all in the essay. Be reflective in nature, not narrative. It doesn't help to use dialogue because the essay doesn't require an interaction between people. So a pondering line of thinking and presentation should work best in this instance. Maybe there is another way that you can open the essay? Maybe you have a memorable personal experience pertaining to your ownership of a computer or an experience with the computer perhaps breaking down at a pivotal time and making you feel hopeless? Any of those instances would make a better opening statement for your essay. This current one that you have doesn't really create the interesting hook that will ask the reviewer to keep reading your essay.

@Holt
I will revise the opening sentence. Can you please tell me about the rest of the paragraphs? The essay is out of the word limit. Is there any useless things? It would be a great help from you.

Thank you so much

Well, you don't really need to mention the name of your computer teacher. A simple reference to the teacher will be sufficient in this case. I think that you can also skip the reference to your friends mocking you and that your father only nodded his head when you told him you needed a computer. Instead, you can work in the fact that your father did not buy you a working computer but, since you knew the importance of the computer in your class and in your grades, you did what you could to rent one whenever you can. You can omit the phrase about you being scolded. You don't really explain why you were sometimes scolded anyway. You can also omit the part about "Spending hours with friends ..." The paragraph after that is stronger and better segues into the concluding statement at this point. We might be able to edit some more parts of the essay after your revision. It all depends upon how the new presentation will spotlight your essay.