"island to big city" & "single father"

Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

Most people would think living on an island would be heaven; the swaying palm trees, amazing sunsets and warm sunny weather. Don't get me wrong it is great but, it limits opportunity and gives little room for choice. UCF is located in a prime location surrounded by numerous theme parks and restaurants. It is thriving with cultural diversity. The school itself has an array of clubs, giving me the opportunity to get involved. I am also a huge fan of the campus layout, and how walking/ bike friendly it is. One of my goals is to earn all A's and I feel the academic help UCF offers will lead me to success. Another goal of mine includes becoming a Certified Public Accountant. UCF offers many internships and job opportunities, Orlando is an amazing city and I would be honored to work with local accountants to gain experience. The college of business administration at UCF is one of the nation's largest accredited schools of business. The quality education, the location, and the campus itself all make UCF my #1 choice for school.

What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

I was raised in a single parent home. Unlike most girls, I chose to live with my father. Although it was not easy growing up the experience taught me to be a hard worker, be responsible for myself, and manage my time. My hard working skills stemmed from having to manage the laundry, dishes and housework. Not to mention lawn mowing, weed-whacking ect. Not only did I work hard on the home front, I pushed myself academically to earn As and Bs and take the most challenging classes available. At UCF I would work as hard as possible to achieve my goal while showing outstanding pride for my school. My father never woke me up in the morning, made me breakfast, packed my lunch or anything of that nature. He was more than willing but I wanted to be responsible and take care of myself. I was never very dependent on anyone else. My high level of responsibility has prepared me for a successful future and an easy transition to a new environment. This characteristic of responsibility has allowed me to be a great leader. I enjoy working with groups and have never had a problem getting along with anyone that couldn't be worked through. I have been around many people and carefully observed each and every one of them. By this I have learned how to listen and talk to a variety of personalities and am extremely open to opinion and change. By being a good leader I can have a positive influence on my fellow classmates, and maybe even find a leadership position in a group. As I stated previously in the application, I live 30-45 min. away from my school and wok. From being to school on time to planning the days I had to stay after for extracurricular or work I learned to manage time. Being on time is an important aspect in school and in work; I would set an example of the importance of punctuality.

I was born and raised on an island in the keys, 364 miles south of Orlando. Living on an island is heaven; the swaying palm trees, breathtaking sunsets and warm sunny weather. Living on a 2 mile by 5 mile island limits my academic, cultural, and work experiences. The closest fast food restraint is 30-45 minutes away. Some of the reasons I would like to attend UCF are its prime location surrounded by numerous theme parks, restaurants, and thriving cultural diversity. In addition the school itself has an array of clubs, giving me the opportunity to get involved. Also, I am huge fan of the campus layout and how walking/ bike friendly it is. One of my goals is to earn all A's and I feel the academic resources UCF offers will lead me to success. Another goal of mine includes becoming a Certified Public Accountant. UCF offers many internships and job opportunities, Orlando is an amazing city and I would be honored to intern with local accountants to gain experience. The college of business administration at UCF is one of the nation's largest accredited schools of business. The quality education, the location, and the campus itself all make UCF my #1 choice for school.

made a few changes to the first passage

Another goal of mine includes becoming a Certified Public Accountant.----- Don't use "includes" here. You must be thinking of the kind of sentence where someone does this:

My goals include becoming an accountant and learning to juggle.
But don't write:
"Another goal includes..."

Actually, I don't think you should present your academic goal as "another" as though it is an afterthought. You talked a LOT about leisure activities. Why not talk all about your drive to contribute meaningfully to the success of responsible businesses, etc.? Talk about your intellectual and professional goals.

I think you should write with paragraphs that are 4 or 5 sentences long. One paragraph = one idea.

I don't know if weedwhacking is a good enough example to use... And I don't know if choosing to live with your dad is relevant enough. How about getting really focused on your professional goals, your vision for the future?

You have this theme of self-reliance, but that is an abstract concept. I would be more persuaded by this if you expressed specific interests, like you cannot wait to get involved in research in your chosen field. This is just a big claim that you value self-reliance----> "My father never woke me up in the morning, made me breakfast, packed my lunch or anything of that nature. He was more than willing but I wanted to be responsible and take care of myself." But when you were very young you needed help, and when we are sick we need help. Self-reliance is not the greatest thing. The most self-reliant people I know are the last people I think of when I need help, because they look out for themselves and believe that others should do the same.

If you want to keep this theme, read Emerson's Self-Reliance, and see if you might want to quote it. But I think you should focus a little more on your specific future plans.

:-)