Issue of Importance - Helping Students Have an Education

I had some difficulties with this essay. Mainly on getting my thoughts to paper. Basically, I want to help kids and students of all circumstances get an education through programs. I feel as though I've underdeveloped my essay because I feel as though I didn't thoroughly analyze the scope of underprivileged students or kids as well as I could. Please look for any places that I could expand on. Thanks in advance.

PROMPT: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Every time I would pass through the hallways in my school, I see what's in store for the future. The students represent what the future will be run by. Concerning some students, I breathe a sigh of relief because I can see they'll be happy later in life through their eagerness to contribute to the community or even simply excelling in their schoolwork. Such as, that girl in theatre is going to be a Grammy-winning actress or that guy who always knows what's going on in Syria is going to be leading Congress some day. Yet, in some of today's youth, I shake my head because it's so painfully obvious that they could be doing so much more better for themselves. Whether it be by choice or by disadvantages, some of today's youth lack the ability to better themselves.

If they don't have the basic tools to thrive, society's future and the outlook of that particular student isn't looking optimistic. Some children are underprivileged, but there are those that spend their time playing video games, or texting on unnecessarily expensive phones. There's a concern within myself that children aren't paying attention to what is really important in their life which is their future. There needs to be more focus geared towards informing children of books, art, politics, and even more areas to give that child something to work towards that'll benefit themselves and their community in the future. But let's not stop there - what about opening up more programs that help students that have specific problems. Money isn't always an issue in families, but time could be because teenagers would have to cut school or drop out to take care of loved ones. Everyday, kids as young as fourteen would have to sacrifice their life to help their incapacitated parent or to even raise a child (whether it be their child or younger sibling) by themselves. Through these programs, a student could go to school activities or do their homework without worrying about their family because their family would be just fine. Ideally, every teenager and child would have a chance to live happily.

As a child that grew up without many resources to better myself, I understand how important knowledge would be to people, especially to our youth. If a child can't excel, then what's to say that their future would be promising?

Start here with active voice rather than passive voice. "Every time I pass through the hallways of my school..."


Maybe, "These students represent our future. Some students, such as the the young woman destined for a Grammy or the young man who seems bound for Congress, fill me with pride and the knowledge that they're doing what they love. There are some, however, who make me shake my head. These students are clever and talented yet, because of disadvantages or choices they make, they will never achieve their full potential."


Maybe, "Regardless of a child's aptitude, if they are not provided with the tools to thrive, they will never reach their full potential and we, as a society, are depriving ourselves of the ultimate natural resource and are potentially dooming ourselves to a backseat in today's competitive technological world. And even if every child is afforded the same opportunity, there are those who will squander that opportunity on video games, texting, and email. The perspective of hindsight is reserved for those who have endured challenges and come out the other side, yet we still endeavor to pass that perspective on to our children. In order to do so, I believe that education needs to focus also on literature, art, politics, and rhetoric in addition to science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) training that is so prevalent now. Investing teenagers in community service would help invigorate traditionally poor neighborhoods. Work study programs with local industry would invest both in local families and businesses while giving teens training in a worthwhile and profitable vocation. In addition, education for the whole family about available aid programs and removing the stigma of receiving such programs would go a long way into bolstering the morale of families receiving aid.


Maybe, "I was raised as a child in an underserved community, lacking knowledge of or access to programs that would have helped my family. I know firsthand how important this knowledge and access is to people, but to children especially. The first priority of society is to nurture the young. When children excel, everyone benefits, from the neighborhood the child grew up in to the nation the child calls home. When a child has the chance to succeed, the world is made a better place."

I was totally spitballing here, but I thing you can gussy up the language and make a more clean sounding essay without losing any emotional impact. For that last paragraph, "As a child..." I think it would be good if you could convey an actual story of how you didn't have access to resources and how you overcame that challenge.

Thank you so much, millernj! I'll be applying your feedback to my essay :)