Prompt:
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
I know I have a lot to improve on in this essay and would love any feedback. The essay cannot exceed a page, and so I have cut a lot and it seems rather short. However, anything helps.
Please and thank you :)
The sun rose in the morning and warmed the hotel room as my boyfriend and I put the coffee on to start the day. It was to be an exciting day as my brother was to walk the stage to receive his high school diploma. It was also the day that my boyfriend, Vinod, was to meet my family after a year of us being a couple. We sat down to the complimentary breakfast before heading to my mother's house where we would meet before the ceremony. He and I talked over our breakfast of fruit and cereal about my family. I kept telling him how much they would love him and how excited I was for my brother to be graduating and moving on with his life.
After the ceremony we all reconvened at my mother's house where much of my family and my mother's friends came to eat and congratulate my brother. Everyone ate well and gave their well wishes to my brother. Family members talked of how much everyone has grown and even sometimes exchanged embarrassing memories of one another. It was a great time and everyone seemed to adore Vinod. When the gathering died around eight o' clock Vinod and I decided to stay the night there at my mother's and drive back home in the morning. As we exited out of the house through the garage door to retrieve our bags from the car, we stumbled upon a conversation I wish we wouldn't have. When we stepped into the light on the pavement we heard "Shhh, here they come." It was too late - we had heard everything. My mother's friends who had stepped out to have a cigarette gathered closely outside to tell racist jokes about Vinod's Indian race and say vile things about us as a couple. My heart sank as I could only imagine what went through Vinod's mind and the horrible feeling that must had washed over him at that moment.
I wish I could say that was the only time he and I have experienced anything like that. It wasn't. Some places we go we receive disapproving looks and whispers. We are sometimes treated differently at places like the grocery store, the airport - even sometimes in restaurants. At the end of the day, no matter how much it bothers us, we have to shrug it off. We cannot dwell on the fear and ignorance of some people. If that were the case, we would never leave the house. The reality of it is that people's fear of multiracial relationships affects couples everyday in a society where the existence of multiracial couples continues to grow. I do not know exactly what it is that gets people's blood boiling about people of different ethnicities coming together. Nothing is different and we learn from one another. I feel my life has been enriched as I have been given the opportunity to learn about his Indian culture and as well as getting to know his family. Together we complete a beautiful life that others can either embrace or turn away from. They suffer from the fear of change from they know as the ordinary. Yet, to us nothing is out of the ordinary. To us, we are just people.
The sun rose in the morning and warmed the hotel room as my boyfriend and I put the coffee on to start the day. ---sounds boring so far.
He and I talked over our breakfast of fruit and cereal about my family. ---you are including some boring sentences!
I kept telling him how much they would love him and how excited I was for my brother to be graduating and moving on with his life.
After the ceremony we .... embarrassing memories of one another. It was a great time and everyone seemed to adore Vinod. ---All this stuff is uneventful. You could give this info in 2 or 3 clever sentences that express the situational circumstances and bring the reader into the scene. As fast as possible, get to the real stuff:
When the gathering died around eight o' clock Vinod and I decided to stay the night there at my mother's and drive back home in the morning. As we exited out of the house through the garage door to retrieve our bags from the car, we stumbled upon a conversation I wish we wouldn't have. When we ...
Wow, now I am interested... very cool story. So.. were they actually racists, or were they just making jokes with dark humor? The worst thing is when a family member tries to persuade you not to be with the person because of race...
Awesome, the second half of the essay is very reflective and meaningful. But I recommend scrapping all those uninteresting sentences at the beginning! :-)
Kevin, thank you for pointing those out. Since I have read so many things/books telling me to open it and keep it like a story, that is what I was trying to do. I don't really have a knack for writing, so I really appreciate your feedback. ..And yes, they were racists - even if they weren't, it is in poor taste to make those types of jokes anyway - which I guess I should include in my paper :) Again, thank you very, very much for being honest! I will definitely work on it again! :)
I am working on the opening, but here it is again;
"Hurry up! We have to get something to eat and be at my mom's in half an hour!" I shouted as my boyfriend scrambled about the hotel room to stuff his clothes back into his luggage. It was an exciting day as my brother was going to receive his high school diploma. It was also the day that my boyfriend, Vinod, was to meet my family after a year of us being a couple. We grabbed a quick bite to eat at the hotel and jumped in the car. His nerves were getting the best of him, so I kept telling him, "Don't worry, babe, they're going to love you!"
After the ceremony we all reconvened at my mother's house where much of my family and my mother's friends came to eat and congratulate my brother. Everyone ate well and gave their well wishes to my brother. Family members talked of how much everyone has grown and even sometimes exchanged embarrassing memories of one another. It was a great time and everyone seemed to adore Vinod. When the gathering died around eight o' clock Vinod and I decided to stay the night there at my mother's and drive back home in the morning. As we exited out of the house through the garage door to retrieve our bags from the car, we stumbled upon a conversation I wish we wouldn't have. When we stepped into the light on the pavement we heard, "Shhh, here they come." It was too late - we had heard everything. My mother's friends who had stepped out to have a cigarette gathered closely outside to tell racist jokes about Vinod's Indian race and say vile things about us as a couple. My heart sank as I could only imagine what went through Vinod's mind and the horrible feeling that must had washed over him at that moment. It was the worst feeling in the world to know that of all places, this had to happen right here at my own mother's house. So many thing raced through my head too "What will happen when our parents meet? Will someone say something to offend them?" The thoughts were tortuous and endless. I had no idea what to say to make Vinod feel better - nothing would have.
I wish I could say that was the only time he and I have experienced anything like that. It wasn't. Some places we go we receive disapproving looks and whispers. We are sometimes treated differently at places like the grocery store, the airport - even sometimes in restaurants. At the end of the day, no matter how much it bothers us, we have to shrug it off. We cannot dwell on the fear and ignorance that people hold. If that were the case, we would never leave the house.
The reality of it is that people's fear of multiracial relationships affects couples everyday in a society where the existence of multiracial couples continues to grow. I do not know exactly what it is that gets people's blood boiling about people of different ethnicities coming together. Nothing is different and we learn from one another. I feel my life has been enriched as I have been given the opportunity to learn about his Indian culture as well as getting to know his family. Together we complete a beautiful life that others can either embrace or turn away from. They suffer from the fear of change from they know as the ordinary. Yet, to us nothing is out of the ordinary. To us, we are just people.
What an interesting thread this is!
Yes, it is like this: when you give info to the reader, that makes the reader work (i.e. cognitively). When you show the reader imagery and action, you give the reader an experience. Always try to minimize the work and intensify the experience.
You still are including some info that is not part of the story. If you are not with me, you are against me! That is what you should say to your sentences:
After the ceremony we all reconvened at my mother's house where much of my family and my mother's friends came to eat and congratulate my brother. Everyone ate well and gave their well wishes to my brother. Family members talked of how much everyone has grown and even sometimes exchanged embarrassing memories of one another. It was a great time and everyone seemed to adore Vinod. When the gathering died around eight o' clock Vinod and I decided to stay the night there at my mother's and drive back home in the morning. As we exited out of the house through the garage door to retrieve our bags from the car, and we stumbled upon a conversation I wish we wouldn't have. When we stepped into...
As you cut those distracting details, you make room for more sentences of reflection, self-evaluation, speculation, decisions about your future... the really good stuff.
Thanks. I will make some cuts before I turn it in this week. I appreciate all of the help.
