I'm applying to UT and am looking for some final edits of my "issue of importance" essay.
This is the apply texas B essay:
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Thanks so much for any feedback and for reading my essay, good luck to any others out there with Dec. 1st deadlines.
Chica, whose real name is Caitlin, is a year older than me, she is quiet, easily embarrassed, and religious, most things I am not. At first chica was just our nickname for each other. Playing ultimate Frisbee in high school the descriptor "girl" was generally enough to separate us. Instead of resenting being referred to as gender, being separated from the majority of our teammates, we co-opted the name, added a little southern flair, and created an institution.
Chica came to be a constant in my life, cheering on our team, joking on the sidelines, competing in points we played against each other, and accompanying me on a million inane adventures. We didn't share classes, friends, or common experiences but everyday we came out to participate in a sport we loved and that was enough. We told of our lives and fears without holding back, relied on each other and our time on the field during stressful events, and celebrated individual successes with shared joy.
This year Chica left for college, and in her absence I have had the joy of watching a new chica grow into my heart. Emily, who competes with me in varsity cross country watched me fail this year at my last attempt to break a season running goal. She reached the same goal. As I stumbled out of the finishing corral I was devastated, but all I could focus on was whether she had succeeded. Together we were able to mourn my loss and celebrate her success without disrespecting either performance. We both realized our relationship was more important than either of our times. In this moment I realized that I too hold the role of chica and that everything I admire in Caitlin stands inside me with Emily.
A chica is defined by their acceptance. Found between the beating of cleats and the thudding of sneakers, shrouded in sweat and dirt, chica's wind their relationships and words around footfalls, practices, and goals. Their understanding grows from shared pursuits and failures. Chica's watch as they each push themselves into the fire, at their best and at their worst, to try and find pride, their limits, success. They watch the inner fight with all goals that are beautiful and fragile in the human soul. Through strength and vulnerability, success and reasons to try again, chicas see past individual performances and validate all efforts by looking towards something more important, the bond that brought them to that moment.
With my chicas I don't need to speek, explain, or deny. I don't worry about how I am seen. I tell all that twists my heart and allow it to unravel across her ears without being judged. This bond between chicas is a safezone in the dangers of growing into a mature adult and every individual deserves to experience such an unassuming and complete trust. This is why athletics are so important in the female youth population. Young girls often feel great pressure to look or act disingenuously to appear popular or meet unrealistic standards shown in the media. Sports serve as a natural release of stress, promote healthy practices and body image, improve self confidence, and teach important skills in self accountability, accepting mistakes, teamwork, goal setting, and the pursuit of excellence. Each of these benefits is built from an accepting environment which is created by the love of a friend who knows you completely without asking, a chica.
I'm sorry you got no responses until after your deadline!
For what it's worth, I'll give some ideas here...
I like to use a dash when commas seem to be getting redundnat:
Chica, whose real name is Caitlin, is a year older than me, she is quiet, easily embarrassed, and religious -- most things I am not.
A chica is defined by
their her? acceptance.
If this is supposed to be about "chicas" (plural) the apostrophe should go after the s:
Found between the beating of cleats and the thudding of sneakers, shrouded in sweat and dirt, c
hica's chicas' wind their...---but it is tough, because it is a Spanish word! :-)
With my chicas I don't need to
speek speak, explain, or deny.
I think the essay should probably be clearer about specifying the issue to which you are responding. It is easy to figure out that you are talking about social pressure and friendship, but near the beginning of the essay you should probably state the issue clearly.
I hope you have great luck with this!