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Personal Issue - The Language English


yaasha275 1 / 2  
Dec 22, 2009   #1
Can some one give me last minute thoughts/opinions before I turn this in. this is my main common app essay

It is a hundred and five degrees outside, and the scorching sun shoots its steaming rays at my bare skin. The blinking cursor relentlessly awaits my first word as I search for inspiration in Mother Nature. Droplets of sweat stream down my face to my body, ultimately moisturizing the parched grass that sheathes my backyard. While most of my muscle cells are effortlessly fighting the heat, my brain cells are struggling to produce their ATP. They have to fight my biggest fear, the English language.

English, the universal language and my second language, is the language I am now using to write my college essay. The essay, which will ultimately decide where and how I will be spending the next four years of my life, will be written in a language completely unfamiliar to my hard-working brain cells. Well, not completely unfamiliar, but compared to the works of the teenage Shakespeares who put on their most confident smiles every time my teacher talks about the perfect college essay, my pieces can be somewhat perplexing. I welcome criticisms, I appreciate suggestions, and I don't even mind the colorful corrections when I mis-conjugate my verbs. But, when my precious thought is in question, and it is labeled as an awkward phrasing, I am left exasperated. Thus, now that I have an opportunity to talk freely about something I am passionate about, something that will incorporate my whole life in a page, I choose to explain my struggle with English. On a typical testing day, I repeat the prompt in Bangla, speak my thoughts in Bangla, and even freak out and calm myself down in Bangla. The beauty of the idioms and the phrases traditionally used in Bangla ends up confusing readers I try to impress. To me, using Siamese twins to compare the relationship between Gogol's mother and culture in the novel, The Namesake, is the most profound way to relate the importance of tradition in an immigrant's life. However, to hear someone use awkward as a word to describe the comparison, essentially breaks my heart. All the effort and time put on such thinking loses all its importance in a smoke of air. Blame it on the green card, I tell myself, and move on.

Why am I in AP English, you ask? It is a difficult question to answer. A string of hope is attached to the language just like a magnet attaches to the refrigerator door. Known as the hardest language to learn, English is not just a challenge to me, it is more like a mystery I desire to unravel someday. Being at a disadvantage of having lived in the United States for only three years, I strive to utilize English to the best of my ability. It is the medium I use to explain and analyze my daily life. I realize at some point in life, I will need to own this language. Every day I walk into my 6th period class hoping to learn something new, probably a more professional way to talk to my manager, a more efficient way to comfort a friend having a bad day. And as the striking rays reflect off my shiny skin, intensifying the pressure around me, I know I have a long way to fully explore the language that will portray Yaasha Hasan in just a piece of paper- the English language.
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
smoke of air.

"puff of smoke" :D

This is excellent, Yaasha! I read it in less than a minute and enjoyed every sentence. Very clever subject, and you told your story well.

I did have to read the last sentence twice...

Every day I walk into my 6th period class hoping to learn something new, probably a more professional way to talk to my manager, a more efficient way to comfort a friend having a bad day. And as the striking rays reflect off my shiny skin, intensifying the pressure around me, I know I have a long way to fully <"long way" is a distance...how about "I still have much to explore" -?? explore the language that will portray Yaasha Hasan in just a piece of paper- the English language.<this seems misplaced...

Blue skies!

Jeannie
OP yaasha275 1 / 2  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
Thanks Jeannie!
I really appreciate you editting it. I will definitely consider your suggestions! And thanks once again for taking a look at it :)

Also, if you want me to take a look at any of your paper, please let me know, i'll be glad to help you out :)
Tictac8 4 / 18  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
The essay really brings out your voice and person. I really like it except for the "my brain cells are struggling to produce their ATP." which makes a biology reference without much reason. At first I thought you were going to talk about bio so maybe you can use a different phrase?
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 23, 2009   #5
if you want me to take a look at any of your paper, please let me know, i'll be glad to help you out :)

I will take you up on that! I begin orientation at my new school next Monday - classes start the 11th. I have issues editing my own writing, ha! I always need someone to read it over for me, and until I found this site, there was no one, so thanks!<for instance, that's a lot of commas for one sentence! teehee!

BTW, I forgot about the ATP thing - tictac is right - what is ATP anyway?? :)

See ya! Jeannie


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