IUPUI: Personal letter about goals and values- Feedback

My school just asked me to write a personal letter about myself. And this is what i came up with so far...

Who said the deaf couldn't play beautifully written music? I do not put any boundaries on my life. All humans are able to achieve any dreams they may have as long as they have the drive and determination to do so. In most of my childhood I was spoiled and wasn't exposed to many children my age, it was just me and my dad. Therefore when I went to grade school I became overwhelmed with the amounts of students that were just like me, and that caused me to be extremely insecure and about myself and me abilities. Ideas that I thought were special suddenly became a trend, views that I thought were unique was just the usual childlike mentality but, it wasn't until high school when I truly figured out more about my values and beliefs.

Unfortunately, in the beginning of high school I associated myself with people who didn't have a plan for life. We all lived in the moment , never thinking bout how our actions may set us up for the future. I was blinded by the naïve veil that had me believe everyone foolishly worried about the wrong this while they was in school. I wasn't until my first job when stop possessing that follower attitude that I'm glad I left behind.

Luckily, I was able to jump out the bandwagon and start focusing on myself. I stood up o my friends and those who look down on me, by showing how responsible and independent I could be. I became a stronger woman by labeling my definition of success. Success for me would end in me being a very respectful woman in society. I want to be able to help my community so that everyone has a strong optimistic outlook on life.

I know that IUPUI has many opportunities that will allow me to grow and be successful on my journey to my bachelor's degree. I plan on being very involved with school and take advantage of all the resources that IUPUI has to offer. Making the most out of this college experience will allow me to reach one goal of mine and that is impacting my community in a positive way.

I have a lot of goals and plans for my future, and my weakness are not going to hold me back from that. My maturity, leadership skills, and high morals play a big part in my triumph to greatness. I know I have the drive and determination to be successful, and I would love for IUPUI to be the key to my success.

The essay is like a donut that is missing the filling. What happened in highschool to lead you to define your values and beliefs? Some corrections adn suggestions made below:



when I left behind that follower attitude I had adopted.
You should express what happened in your first job that made you drop this attitude.




The last paragraphs can be strengthened with specifics (as opposed to self laudatory statements) especially about how you will "take advantage of all the resources that IUPUI has to offer"

Run on sentence:
In most of my childhood I was spoiled and wasn't exposed to many children my age; it was just me and my dad.

I fixed it with a semi-colon. Those are two complete sentences above, so you need to separate them with either a period or semi-colon.

Your intro sentences makes it sound like you are deaf and a musician. If that is not the case, I think you should come up with a different first sentence! It is not good to say what others should be able to do -- only what you can do.

In that second paragraph, you say you were among people with no plans for life, as if you were not like them but instead were influenced by them. The truth is probably that you and they were all in the same group and all directionless. So, the reader will probably appreciate your words more if you don't phrase it this way, putting the responsibility on them.

I think you should look at each paragraph and ask yourself if the message o the paragraph is an important part of the main idea you are going to convey. At the end of the reading, the reader will have taken only one idea from the essay, so decide what you want that single idea to be.

:-)