I think it's still pretty rough. Any suggestions and criticisms will be AWESOMEEEE thank you!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250-500 words)
With the catchphrase "JELLO it is!" that Shanice and I made, we embarked ourselves on a strange adventure which required a never-tiring curiosity for gelatin. As days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I realized that investigating gelatin was no longer a priority I have to do for the Regional Science Fair, but a hobby that has grown into me as my knowledge of it grew wider and wider. The idiosyncrasy behind the complexities of gelatin mesmerized me: its net-like structure, its gel-like properties, and its intricate process of congealing.
However, the passion and effort we both put in our project can only be justified with an excellent presentation. This requires great communication skills and a pinch of persuasiveness to convince the judges. Unfortunately, I don't have both. Not only do I not speak English very well, but I also stutter when I am nervous. "Relax, we're awesome," my best friend said in encouragement. I smiled but I could already feel my breakfast burger rising from my stomach to my esophagus, giving me a very unpleasant feeling inside.
The judge greeted us, and asked us to explain our project. I took a deep breath, carefully examining every word I am supposed to say, and illustrated the purpose of our experiment. He nodded his head, interjected a few times, and raised his eyebrow to give us the hint of slight interest. I felt so relieved, knowing I was able to pass on knowledge, successfully, through a language that used to be so foreign to me.
As more and more judges came, I felt more and more comfortable talking to them. After all, I realized, I'm talking in terms of colloids and gelatin. I'm talking about my interests and my love for Chemistry. In the end, we were able to earn ourselves the Honorable Mention award. But as for me, I gained something far more valuable than a name's worth. I surpassed my fear of public speaking: a problem I have been trying to overcome since I was young.
I feel like you are telling two stories in one, your love for the science of jello and your public speaking fear, I suggest focusing more on one.
And good luck!