This essay is for Texas A&M. I wrote about my niece Jillian. I would really appreciate it if i could get some help on my essay (don't be afraid to point out every error). I don't want to make it sound too cheesy. Thanks!
The question asks (no word limit):
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
Jillian. Jillybear. Jillybean. Her infectious smile reaches from ear to ear. Soft, curly locks of her hair are matted to her head, as she has just woken up. It's only nine in the morning and she is already asking for milk and fruit snacks. She asks for her purple hair bow to match her purple onesie. I begged for a hug and her tiny arms reached around my shoulders while she said "Yes, Andy". This special little girl, who is not even two, is my niece Jillian. Less than two feet tall and she has already had a great impact on my life, teaching me things that no adult could.
I remember when I would be holding her and she would just throw herself backwards, knowing that someone was there to make sure she did not fall. Her head would be hanging back and she would laugh; we all would. The way she would go up to our dog, with no fear on her face, made me envy the courageousness this little girl had. No chair was too tall to be climbed, no body of water was too deep to go into, and no fall was large enough to stop her. Seeing her act so carefree and taking risks, despite the fact that she was only a couple of months old, influenced me in my own life. If a small child had the ability to take these risks, then I could have the ability to take risks too. Before Jillian, I was cautious, picking and choosing which risks were worth taking. Since she has been in my life, every risk is worth taking.
The summer we took our family vacation to Aruba, Jillian had grown a personality, started walking, and could not stop talking. We were walking down a strip of restaurants when we could faintly hear music. Jillian paused, taking in the local and unique music. Suddenly, she started dancing; when I mean dancing, I mean full on, knee-popping dancing. People on the sides of the walkway stopped, people in restaurants gazed from behind the glass, and my family was taken over by a fit of giggles. She waved as people walked by, saying hello and blowing kisses to everyone. She captured the hearts of everyone nearby. I admired her bravery and enthusiasm, wishing I had at least half of her confidence. In that sole moment, I realized that I needed to let loose. I wanted to join Jillian and enjoy every moment of life. Ever since, I started to care less about who is watching and started caring about enjoying myself instead.
The amount of knowledge that children are able to teach is truly amazing: love, sympathy, eagerness, and so much more. Jillian has taught me innumerable life lessons in the short two years of her life. Through her actions, I learn new lessons, applying them to myself and hoping to become a better person. Jillian may never know how much she has changed me as a person, but because she has, I am so grateful that I have her in my life. I know that as she gets older, she will teach me new things, new lessons in life that are worth learning about.
I feel you should add more on how you took the things she has taught you and applied them to your life.
When you mention the "life lessons" she has taught you in your final paragraph, I feel you should give the reader as to what those life lessons are and how you experienced something similar.
IDK if this helps. It is just my personal opinion.
