Why did I join Model United Nations? Debate has always been my passion, and MUN provided the perfect outlet. By attending various conferences in China, I gained new viewpoints and knowledge from the people I met and debated with. But my purpose changed at CISSMUN. While researching on child soldiers, I came across the story of Grace from Uganda. I was stunned by the dirty living conditions, lack of food, and physical abuse she told of, but I was further shocked to learn that she was forced to shoot her friends. I knew, as a citizen of the global community, I couldn't stand by while other people suffered. I had to do something. At the conference, I led a host of fellow representatives to create a resolution that could potentially eliminate the plague of child military service. When it passed, I knew I was one step closer to helping these children. I learned that day that if I can make a difference here, I can make a difference in the real world. That's why I joined MUN.
Please comment! Be honest too! :D
one paragraph does not read like an essay. what is the prompt?
"while other people"- Suggestion: while others suffered
"I learned that day that if I can make a difference here, I can make a difference in the real world. That's why I joined MUN"- "here" meaning where? at the conference? For some reason, i don't like the latter part. It makes it sound as if the difference you made "here" isn't worth or something.
All in all, your essay is very good. You could probably use some "strong" words since the content is very strong as well.
Hope this helped. Good luck. :)
Is this extracurricular essay? If yes, can you read mine as well? Thanks.
Yeah this is 1,000 characters only.
Just to make it sound a little more professional, I would use the word "insights" instead of "viewpoints".
Also, specify the location of CISSMUN
Replace "told of" -> "described"
"and physical abuse she told of, but " -> A period belongs there, not a comma. Otherwise, it would be a run on sentence. Also, instead of "But, I was further shocked to learn", say "However, what shocked me more (or most) was that"
Very good essay, just a few edits to make it sound more legit, but very good central ideas!
I think you need to emphasize more on what you plan to do in future i.e. how being part of MUN inspired you to do more in future. Because right now, MUN is just a model, the resolutions passed do not actually make a difference. However, how do you intend to make it come true?
I think that this is an great foundation. But what can take this essay to the next level is talking about what you plan to do next. Right now you give this great description of this poor girl in Uganda, but your remedy for her is a Model U.N. resolution? I think that if you talk about trying to help her, and others like her, in college, that can really take this essay to the next level.