Hello, this si my common app essay that I will be submitting to all my colleges. Please read it and give me feedback in regards to content and grammar. Is it good/sincere? I am applying to 4 ivy league schools, so I truly hope I can get good feedback on these essays. Thanks!
PROMPT: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Benchwarmer: The Power of Perseverance
"Jonathan, you're just not good enough."
When my coach blatantly refused my request to allow me to play, my prior confidence and enthusiastic spark were replaced by a deflating sense of hopelessness as I recognized my role as a benchwarmer during my first basketball game. Frankly, the traditional saying, "bench players are just as important as starters," never ameliorated my negative outlook of the bench. Soon enough, my sense of stoicism shattered and I faced a decision: quit or get better. Tired of my own excuses and motivated to disprove the doubts of my peers, I decided to persevere if only to prove to myself that I had what it took to become a starter.
The purchase of my LA Fitness membership signified my commitment to the decision. Soon after, my life could only be explained by the Nike slogan, "Eat. Sleep. Basketball." My days began at 4 am, with my hand languidly crawling to end "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk, followed by a trip to the gym before school, and ending with an aching hand repeatedly pounding the ball against the monotonous drum of the washing machine in the stone, cold basement floor. Messi probably felt the same when he said, "You always will have to fight to reach your dream; sacrifice and work hard for it." Hair disheveled and with one too many sprays of Axe: Apollo, my chances of attaining a girlfriend and popularity had all but vanished, but to me it was worth it.
As time passed, the fruit of my hard work began to bloom. My peers began to notice my improvement and soon enough, my coach allowed me to obtain more playing time. By the end of my Freshman season, I earned a place on the team as a starter and eventually was promoted to Junior Varsity. Yet through my success, I came to value a principle far more important: perseverance, even in the face of unachievable success. I realized that amidst my disappointment, the decision to persevere, the hope that I had a chance, was something I so desperately needed. Through the grit and sweat, my determination instilled values in me that have applied to many other facets of my life.
This mentality gave me the ability to continue to achieve amidst many obstacles. The year after, my life took a turn. In China, the school I attended was small and academically competitive. In an environment where a 4.0 GPA was unimpressive and where your SAT score decided your status, basketball-my icon of triumph-was equated with academic weakness. However, the values instilled within me from my experiences with basketball, inspired me to accept the challenge and develop an academic vitality. Thereafter, I began to focus on my studies with a determination second to none. It was this determination that allowed me to take six Advance Placement exams that year and achieve a high SAT score, all of which allowed me to enter the National Honors Society and achieve numerous other school honors. It was this determination that motivated me to achieve that which I never would have been able to dream.
Perhaps we have all faced decisions in our lives that have resulted in triumph and failure. However, one can never comprehend the power of perseverance without experiencing it personally. I know that the decision to persevere, was paramount to my understanding of finding success in life. Even though I may never be the best player or the smartest student, perseverance has reminded me of the power of pursuing a dream and the gifts that come with making sacrifices
PROMPT: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Benchwarmer: The Power of Perseverance
"Jonathan, you're just not good enough."
When my coach blatantly refused my request to allow me to play, my prior confidence and enthusiastic spark were replaced by a deflating sense of hopelessness as I recognized my role as a benchwarmer during my first basketball game. Frankly, the traditional saying, "bench players are just as important as starters," never ameliorated my negative outlook of the bench. Soon enough, my sense of stoicism shattered and I faced a decision: quit or get better. Tired of my own excuses and motivated to disprove the doubts of my peers, I decided to persevere if only to prove to myself that I had what it took to become a starter.
The purchase of my LA Fitness membership signified my commitment to the decision. Soon after, my life could only be explained by the Nike slogan, "Eat. Sleep. Basketball." My days began at 4 am, with my hand languidly crawling to end "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk, followed by a trip to the gym before school, and ending with an aching hand repeatedly pounding the ball against the monotonous drum of the washing machine in the stone, cold basement floor. Messi probably felt the same when he said, "You always will have to fight to reach your dream; sacrifice and work hard for it." Hair disheveled and with one too many sprays of Axe: Apollo, my chances of attaining a girlfriend and popularity had all but vanished, but to me it was worth it.
As time passed, the fruit of my hard work began to bloom. My peers began to notice my improvement and soon enough, my coach allowed me to obtain more playing time. By the end of my Freshman season, I earned a place on the team as a starter and eventually was promoted to Junior Varsity. Yet through my success, I came to value a principle far more important: perseverance, even in the face of unachievable success. I realized that amidst my disappointment, the decision to persevere, the hope that I had a chance, was something I so desperately needed. Through the grit and sweat, my determination instilled values in me that have applied to many other facets of my life.
This mentality gave me the ability to continue to achieve amidst many obstacles. The year after, my life took a turn. In China, the school I attended was small and academically competitive. In an environment where a 4.0 GPA was unimpressive and where your SAT score decided your status, basketball-my icon of triumph-was equated with academic weakness. However, the values instilled within me from my experiences with basketball, inspired me to accept the challenge and develop an academic vitality. Thereafter, I began to focus on my studies with a determination second to none. It was this determination that allowed me to take six Advance Placement exams that year and achieve a high SAT score, all of which allowed me to enter the National Honors Society and achieve numerous other school honors. It was this determination that motivated me to achieve that which I never would have been able to dream.
Perhaps we have all faced decisions in our lives that have resulted in triumph and failure. However, one can never comprehend the power of perseverance without experiencing it personally. I know that the decision to persevere, was paramount to my understanding of finding success in life. Even though I may never be the best player or the smartest student, perseverance has reminded me of the power of pursuing a dream and the gifts that come with making sacrifices
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