Hi, this is my common app essay for Boston University. I would really appreciate it if you guys can help me revise it. Any input would be truly be helpful. Please do not hesitate to criticize, I will not be offended. Please be thorough in your critique. Thank you in advance!
instruction: write an essay on topic of choice or one of options. Help us acquainted with you as a person and student, and demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.
prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (minimum 250 words)
words counted: 1177
subject of essay: culture shock
My journey in America as a Self-proclaimed Gypsy
You might wonder why I call myself a "gypsy". Well, my family has a long-standing tradition of traveling. We love exploring new places and dwell into the exotic cultures and customs. I started traveling when I was still in the womb of my mother. My earliest memories consisted of riding on the back of an elephant in Thailand, getting lost on the streets of Singapore with my mother on the day of Christmas, swimming in the ocean off the coast of the Philippines with my father, visiting the night market in Hong Kong, among many more. Most of these voyages were vacations, and they only lasted a couple of days, but we would do so many tours every year that it felt like we spent more time in other places rather than our home. But There was one particular experience that left a big imprint on me. The one that changed my outlook on life forever. Brace yourself, this is a tale that has yet to be told.
When I was in third grade, my family decided to move to America. After my parents' sudden yet painful divorce, my mother thought that going to the United States would be a fresh start for all of us. It was time to make some positive changes to our lives and search for a better, brighter future. So we said goodbye to our familiar home that filled with memories and head for a new adventure, this time actually living in a foreign country. We left without a trace of doubt in our minds whether we would be able to handle it or not. We left without a doubt in our minds that we could handle it. After all, we've travelled traveled to different places multiple times already!
America. To most foreigners' ears, the word rang a tone of beautiful promises and magical enchantment. Hollywood's movie magic truly did a great job at portraying this place as the ultimate paradise, with those twinkly skyscrapers and incredibly beautiful human beings who seemed to float (as opposed to walk). No one from the outside of the United States would have thought that this magical land would have a dark side. We were also one of the many victims who fell under the spell of America's seduction. We came here fully equipped with the usual "immigrant jitters": hopes as high as the buildings in New York, accompanied with the blooming excitement that you can feel in the pit of your stomach. But the thought of actually standing on the land of in the United States really blew my mind. We found a place in Southern California, and my uncle helped us settle in. The first few days were amazing. Everything seemed so marvelous and strange. I remembered myself being fascinated by the pedestrian street-crossing button. Then reality hit us like a slap on the face - quick and impactful. The barrier between the languages and customs sunk in like a Titanic was dropping down on us. As for language, I suffered as a mute for a year in school because I was not confident enough to talk to other students. Being in a big city, everybody seemed to be very cautious. They always seemed to put themselves first before others. On the outside, they appeared as these super nice people who would pour their hearts out to help another person, but little did we know that most of those flowery words were all lies. They would make promises to us, but when we needed them the most, they pretended like they didn't know what we were talking about. Most of the people we met also possessed this ability that can help them transform into a totally different person in a second. They could be extremely sweet to you, but if you somehow made them angry, they can turn into these viciously catty people and could turn their backs on you almost instantaneously. Of course they were some genuinely nice people, but finding them was like searching for a real diamond in a cubic zirconium lab. My family and I were born and raised in an environment where people were very straightforward in what they liked or did not like and if they were to help a person in need, they would rather do it with actions instead of words. Disappointed with the people that we met, we realized that we were not ready for this change and decided to move back to Vietnam. We continued flying back and forth from the United States and Vietnam for three years.
By the time I was in middle school, my mother decided that my little brother and I needed better education, so we moved back to California. This time I realized another difference of customs between these two countries. American teenagers could shamelessly make out with each other in public without any fears of ridicule by their peers. While in Vietnam, it would be considered scandalous to be caught holding hand with another student that you liked. I was appalled after finding out that fifty percent of the girls in my class lost their virginity when we were only in eighth grade. The kids neglected their school, and some of them could not even read a book without tripping over words like "complicated". My mother realized that this was not the proper environment for our education. So after a year of constant battle for survival, we decided to move to Ohio.
Ohio was a very different place than California. Located in the Midwest, Ohio had a very relaxing, laid-back suburban feel that we had never experienced before. This was like a breath of fresh air to us, after living in big cities all our lives. The people were generally nicer, and much friendlier. People said hi to strangers on the streets, which was a very big shock to us. I started my high school career here, and although the teenagers here still remained American teenagers (this was America after all), most of them truly cared for their education. Most of the people that I knew in school worked hard, and they were some of the most ambitious people I had ever met in my life. I found some great friends who genuinely liked me, and I became more confident in my English as well as my outlook on life.
Now that I have experienced culture shock, I realize that although a country might seem perfect on the outside, there was bound to be a down side to it. Every place has its own customs and people. I was now aware that the world was a big place, bigger than what I had imagined when I was little. I have become stronger through this exposure of a different culture. This experience made me appreciate different cultures and opened my eyes to other parts of the world. Now four years have passed, and it is time for a new journey. Except this time, I will be the one travelling alone. No matter where my final destination is, I will always remember this memorable experience for the rest of my life.
Once again, thank you for your time!
instruction: write an essay on topic of choice or one of options. Help us acquainted with you as a person and student, and demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.
prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (minimum 250 words)
words counted: 1177
subject of essay: culture shock
My journey in America as a Self-proclaimed Gypsy
You might wonder why I call myself a "gypsy". Well, my family has a long-standing tradition of traveling. We love exploring new places and dwell into the exotic cultures and customs. I started traveling when I was still in the womb of my mother. My earliest memories consisted of riding on the back of an elephant in Thailand, getting lost on the streets of Singapore with my mother on the day of Christmas, swimming in the ocean off the coast of the Philippines with my father, visiting the night market in Hong Kong, among many more. Most of these voyages were vacations, and they only lasted a couple of days, but we would do so many tours every year that it felt like we spent more time in other places rather than our home. But There was one particular experience that left a big imprint on me. The one that changed my outlook on life forever. Brace yourself, this is a tale that has yet to be told.
When I was in third grade, my family decided to move to America. After my parents' sudden yet painful divorce, my mother thought that going to the United States would be a fresh start for all of us. It was time to make some positive changes to our lives and search for a better, brighter future. So we said goodbye to our familiar home that filled with memories and head for a new adventure, this time actually living in a foreign country. We left without a trace of doubt in our minds whether we would be able to handle it or not. We left without a doubt in our minds that we could handle it. After all, we've travelled traveled to different places multiple times already!
America. To most foreigners' ears, the word rang a tone of beautiful promises and magical enchantment. Hollywood's movie magic truly did a great job at portraying this place as the ultimate paradise, with those twinkly skyscrapers and incredibly beautiful human beings who seemed to float (as opposed to walk). No one from the outside of the United States would have thought that this magical land would have a dark side. We were also one of the many victims who fell under the spell of America's seduction. We came here fully equipped with the usual "immigrant jitters": hopes as high as the buildings in New York, accompanied with the blooming excitement that you can feel in the pit of your stomach. But the thought of actually standing on the land of in the United States really blew my mind. We found a place in Southern California, and my uncle helped us settle in. The first few days were amazing. Everything seemed so marvelous and strange. I remembered myself being fascinated by the pedestrian street-crossing button. Then reality hit us like a slap on the face - quick and impactful. The barrier between the languages and customs sunk in like a Titanic was dropping down on us. As for language, I suffered as a mute for a year in school because I was not confident enough to talk to other students. Being in a big city, everybody seemed to be very cautious. They always seemed to put themselves first before others. On the outside, they appeared as these super nice people who would pour their hearts out to help another person, but little did we know that most of those flowery words were all lies. They would make promises to us, but when we needed them the most, they pretended like they didn't know what we were talking about. Most of the people we met also possessed this ability that can help them transform into a totally different person in a second. They could be extremely sweet to you, but if you somehow made them angry, they can turn into these viciously catty people and could turn their backs on you almost instantaneously. Of course they were some genuinely nice people, but finding them was like searching for a real diamond in a cubic zirconium lab. My family and I were born and raised in an environment where people were very straightforward in what they liked or did not like and if they were to help a person in need, they would rather do it with actions instead of words. Disappointed with the people that we met, we realized that we were not ready for this change and decided to move back to Vietnam. We continued flying back and forth from the United States and Vietnam for three years.
By the time I was in middle school, my mother decided that my little brother and I needed better education, so we moved back to California. This time I realized another difference of customs between these two countries. American teenagers could shamelessly make out with each other in public without any fears of ridicule by their peers. While in Vietnam, it would be considered scandalous to be caught holding hand with another student that you liked. I was appalled after finding out that fifty percent of the girls in my class lost their virginity when we were only in eighth grade. The kids neglected their school, and some of them could not even read a book without tripping over words like "complicated". My mother realized that this was not the proper environment for our education. So after a year of constant battle for survival, we decided to move to Ohio.
Ohio was a very different place than California. Located in the Midwest, Ohio had a very relaxing, laid-back suburban feel that we had never experienced before. This was like a breath of fresh air to us, after living in big cities all our lives. The people were generally nicer, and much friendlier. People said hi to strangers on the streets, which was a very big shock to us. I started my high school career here, and although the teenagers here still remained American teenagers (this was America after all), most of them truly cared for their education. Most of the people that I knew in school worked hard, and they were some of the most ambitious people I had ever met in my life. I found some great friends who genuinely liked me, and I became more confident in my English as well as my outlook on life.
Now that I have experienced culture shock, I realize that although a country might seem perfect on the outside, there was bound to be a down side to it. Every place has its own customs and people. I was now aware that the world was a big place, bigger than what I had imagined when I was little. I have become stronger through this exposure of a different culture. This experience made me appreciate different cultures and opened my eyes to other parts of the world. Now four years have passed, and it is time for a new journey. Except this time, I will be the one travelling alone. No matter where my final destination is, I will always remember this memorable experience for the rest of my life.
Once again, thank you for your time!