'the Justice department' - Stanford Supplement - What matters to you, and why?

My essay is about 50 characters over the limit (2000 character max limit).

Any critical feedback will be HELPFUL!

Thanks, and happy holidays!

Prompt: What matters to you? And Why?

What matters to you? Why?
From walking through South Seattle, I learned that the sidewalks of my city are more than just regular cement; they are a part of history, a foundation of capricious battlegrounds and revolutions. I grew up with police sirens as my music, seen many fights, and been mugged for my weary belongings. As I walk through the night alone in my community, I feel scared, that the darkness would swallow me, and I would be scarred with fear and paranoia. All my life, I have been looking for a positive change; to live with purity and safety. I have always neglected the violence and brutality in my surroundings whenever I walk through my community, not saying one word to even try to stop it. However, these haunting resonations had fueled me for my new inspiration, a new mission that I want nothing more to be accomplished: social justice.

For years as I walked through this battle zone full of excessive violence forced upon by police officers, social equality has always been a question that lingers in my mind. After witnessing a police officer punching a woman in the face for jaywalking, or after watching on TV that a police officer beat and stomped on a Mexican man, and yelled "I'll beat the Mexican piss out of you!" because the police officer thought that the man was a suspect, but was innocent, made me contemplate and ask another question in my mind, "Has the mission that mattered to me now not a mission for all?"

As the Justice department is investigating the Seattle Police Department for excessive violence and abuse to the minority and poverty, I ask myself, where was I in these situations? I was just a silent cowardly young boy, letting the violent pestilence take over my community; I now realized that silence is worse than all the violence. My dream now is to become a warrior for justice; a civil vigilante of social equality. Hopefully at Stanford University, I will learn how to wield the sword of my mouth to fight the power for social justice; that I will become the warrior David, and the powerful hierarchy as Goliath.

Your essay has great meaning. I think this fits more to the "where you came from and what shaped your aspirations" I think that you should really explain why this matters to you. There are several mistakes such as how you use the semicolon. Reread to proof it and check your grammar. Other than that I think you have a pretty strong idea, just make it more connected to the prompt.

From walking through South Seattle, I learned that the sidewalks of my city are more than just regular cement; they are a part of history, a foundation of capricious battlegrounds and revolutions. I grew up with police sirens as my music, seensaw many fights, and been muggedwas even mugged for my weary belongings. As I walk through the night alone in my community, I feel scared, that the darkness wouldwill swallow me, and I wouldwill be scarred with fear and paranoia. All my life, I have been looking for a positive change; to live with purity and safety. I have always neglected the violence and brutality in my surroundings whenever I walk through my community, not saying one word to even try to stop it. However, these haunting resonations had fueled me for my new inspiration, a new mission that I want nothing more to be accomplished: social justice.

^You 'grew up with police sirens as your music, and were mugged', yet you have 'neglected the violence and brutality...'?? Hmm...sounds a bit odd.

For years as I walked through this battle zone full of excessive violence forced upon by police officers,S ocial equality has always been a question that lingers in my mind. After witnessing a police officer punching a woman in the face for jaywalking, or after watching on TV that a police officer beat and stomped on a Mexican man, and yelled "I'll beat the Mexican piss out of you!" because the police officer thought that the man was a suspect, but was innocent, made me contemplate and ask another question in my mind, "Has the mission that mattered to me now not a mission for all?"<-- Man oh man is this a long sentence. Break it up into smaller pieces. I also wouldn't use 'Mexican piss' in a COLLEGE application essay. I understand that it's raw, but you might want to be a little more sensitive.

As the Justice department is investigating the Seattle Police Department for excessive violence and abuse to the minority and poverty, I ask myself, where was I in these situations? I was just a silent cowardly young boy, letting the violent pestilence take over my community; I now realized that silence is worse than all the violence. My dream now is to become a warrior for justice; a civil vigilante of social equality. Hopefully at Stanford University, I will learn how to wield the sword of my mouth to fight the power for social justice; that I will become the warrior David, and the powerful hierarchy as Goliath

Hi David! A few points of caution: you are applying to Stanford University, not the Justice Institute of wherever. Your application needs to have a higher level of sensitivity. Most people won't fly your way when they see 'Mexican piss'. That would be my opinion if I was in AO. There are some run-ons-- this is a pretty elementary grammatical mistake, so this will set you back. For instance, writing a sentence like: "After witnessing a police officer punching a woman in the face for jaywalking, or after watching on TV that a police officer beat and stomped on a Mexican man, and yelled "I'll beat the Mexican piss out of you!" because the police officer thought that the man was a suspect, but was innocent, made me contemplate and ask another question in my mind, "Has the mission that mattered to me now not a mission for all?" is not very impressive. It makes your writing look weak. Remember that your application isn't all numbers-- people generally enjoy admitting those who they feel are personable, and what better way to convey this than through an essay? Overall, your foundation and idea is there-- there are small errors every so often that you could brush up upon. One other thing-- I'd expand the last paragraph. I'm not sure that the second paragraph is even necessary.

Good luck. I hope to see you at Stanford next year!

Thanks, you THE most helpful person I had on this site (no offense to others, everybody is still helpful). And yeah, I worry about grammar last, I always just try to convey my idea first. But thanks! I APPRECIATE IT!!!!!

And yeah, I hope to be even admitted to Stanford University. My chances are slim, so I am just having fun with the application and just apply for the hell of it.

Again, Thanks!!!!!!

No worries, and I'd say you have as good a chance as anyone. I hope I wasn't being too harsh, but you have to remember that as of now, the essay really is the only thing in your control. Everything else is a bit of a crapshoot. Good luck! I genuinely hope to see you succeed!

Thanks, I appreciate it a lot! And I hope to see you succeed as well.

But one more question, does Stanford have some sort of quota for applications, and just throw out the remaining applications or applications past the its quota? Or does everybody have equal chances whether you turn it in last or first?

I have heard that ED gets a slight edge over the regular pool (that may or may not be true-- the edge was something like 0.0018%). However, submitting your application in towards the end of the deadline should not put you at a disadvantage to the earlier applicants.