I will be submitting this in less than an hour, so last minute feedback is desperately needed.
Describe a time when you worked as part of a group or team to complete a task or project. What were some of the difficulties encountered? How did you handle the situation? What was the ultimate outcome?
I wiped the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand and regarded the boys in front of me with challenging eyes. I had thought this would be a simple exercise, and yet here I was, nearly gasping for air yet with nothing to show for it.
The main area of the karate dojo had been cleared, except for myself and eight other teenage pupils. In the middle of the mat rested a tennis ball, tauntingly close and yet so well protected by the three green belts that surrounded it. The object of the challenge was simple- get the tennis ball. My team and I paced nervously as we searched for a nonexistent opening. Yet, even though we outnumbered them, the green belts defense seemed impenetrable.
I scowled, clenching my fists in helpless frustration. We had already tried every strategy that we could imagine: double-teaming them with our superior numbers, creating distractions so that one person might slip by, and trying to overwhelm them one at a time. Our efforts rewarded us with no victory, only aches and rapidly forming bruises.
"This is stupid," Cody mumbled under his breath. "They're like ninjas." Under less frustrating circumstances, I would have laughed at his joke. Instead, I grumbled in agreement. My eyes slid from the boys who guarded the tennis ball to the blue mats beneath their feet. In my bitter thoughts, I wondered at the stupidity of the separate blue mats, which lay atop a dojo floor soft enough to absorb most of the impact of a falling body. Their presence seemed pointless.
My eyes widened. The extra mats were not there to soften anyone's fall, I realized. They were to our advantage.
"Guys, come here," I whispered urgently. My teammates flashed me identical looks of skepticism, but for lack of any plan, they gathered around and listened to my idea.
"We might as well give it a shot," Cody said. "Its not like anyone else has a better plan." There were brief mutters of agreement before everyone took up their positions. On an unspoken cue, three of my teammates sprang into action.
The green belts made short work of our poor assault on them, but the attack wasn't meant to break their defense. As they disabled the three attackers, Cody, Trent and I grabbed the mats beneath their feet and pulled as hard as we could.
To our delight- and great surprise- the plan worked. The green belts swung their arms wildly, trying to maintain their balance, but in the end two of them lost their footing and fell. Cody darted in the opening, dove, and grabbed the ball with one outstretched hand. We did not cheer or leap into the air for fear of appearing undisciplined before the master, but instead beamed with pride for our triumph. At that moment, we felt like black belts.
Hey, you did a great job... I bet they don't often see such an entertaining response to this prompt.
I bet the greenbelts wished there was a mat under the mat for them to land on after your unconventional maneuver.
If you had not already submitted this, I would say it is a good idea to add 2 more sentences to the end of the first paragraph. In this essay, it would be great to explain the "moral of the story" in the first paragraph, at the end. Then, the reader can have it in mind throughout the essay.
In most essays, the conclusion elaborates on the "moral of the story," i.e. the implications... but in this essay it would be nice to expound the meaning, the truth the essay carries, in the intro.
:-)
