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From a kid to an adolescent who surmounted the backbreaking real life crisis.



vladmir 1 / -  
Dec 16, 2016   #1
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

23rd March, 2015- it was my Finals' Chemistry experiment exam. The eminence of Chemistry always blew my mind as minute atomic alterations could create compounds with amplitude of usability in the real world. At that moment, the cortisol hiked instantaneously as I started filling the tube with purplish permanganate for the experiment when the sinister event of earthly turbulence occurred. The scene of concentrated fluids splashing all over the floor and my classmates, stuck between bulky lab furniture, praying for their lives had petrified me. Soon after the successful evacuation, everyone tried contacting his/her beloveds; however, few had their calls received. Even my semi-atheist self couldn't resist from begging to lord for my family's well-being, who I later discovered was safe.

I was further saddened to acknowledge the craggy hamlet of xyz, abc as the epicenter. The death toll was skyrocketing and the state of national unrest was announced. I could have just shed my crocodile tears sharing dreadful aftermath stories in social media like the rest of the melodramatists. But, being a citizen of a nation already declared one of the poorest in the world and facing one of the worst infrastructural and political instability, I couldn't maintain my composure while sensing the paramountcy of my presence somewhere else. My parents weren't positive on letting me to travel half way across the nation to the dilapidated countryside accompanied with amateur humanitarians; however, I dissented from their decision for the sake of humanity.

A week of collaboration for raising charity with the volunteers I had summoned from 'Humanitarian Society' was over and I was bumping along with them in a van en route to xyz. Prior to the arrival, I had done nothing but commiserated with hazy, history-book tragedy, which soon started fading away as I began to smell the odor of crude soil from the cracks of severe tectonic upheaval. The mud houses were pulverized with their tin roofing bent skywards. The terrace farms which used to dazzle with golden luster of mustard had been ruined by landslides with debris gobbling the remaining vegetation. After beholding the wickedness of the site and consoling the dwellers for such tragedy, I hustled about handing out the alms. Afterwards, as I leaded my squad towards the debilitated shelters to search the wreckage for survivors & salvageable materials, a scream from deep inside the rubble rushed us to operate drilling machinery-which almost weighed a ton-and, miraculously, a mother with her infant were found alive. Unfortunately, only few survivors were salvaged; many suffocated to death.

I lay in my mattress that night, under the infinite sky, battling mosquitoes and heartening my teammates. We had enough noodles and water, dropped by ERT Army choppers that day, to iron out our hunger issues by far. Next morning, we welcomed the international troops equipped with effectual machinery. All of a sudden, the forerunner of foreign volunteers patted on my back and appealed our crew to fall back. And there we were, heading towards the capital with enlightening maturity as well as corpses for performance of religious cremation beside the holy waters of Palatinate as per the WWW tradition.

Far off my hometown, I was on my own for the first time. From a kid who marveled at the offerings of science and technology under the shade of family nurture to an adolescent who surmounted the backbreaking real life crisis. From carrying elderlies on my back to the health camp to singing nursery rhymes for recreation of newly declared orphans, I had signed up for this by endangering my own life because It was my commitment towards humanity and my nation. With far and wide challenging circumstances, I had discovered a new "me" capable of making an impact to his surrounding with shrewd devotion accompanied with directorship over few alacritous volunteers. Alas, the wailing of victims still reverberate in my head, giving me goosebumps.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15372  
Dec 16, 2016   #2
Vlad, this is a pretty good response to the prompt that you have written. I have a question though, why are some words written in italics? Are you using it for emphasis or are these keywords required to be written that way by the prompt? If it is not required, then there is no need to italize the text. Just keep it straightforward in writing. You are being highly creative enough in your presentation that any more dramatic elements in your work will just tend to irritate the reviewer.

Now, about the content, there is only one element missing which you need to highlight. That is the fact that you earned the respect of your parents or the community for giving yourself so selflessly in your quest to help the others affected by the earthquake. Notice that the prompt requires that sort of acknowledgement in order to officially signal your transition from child to adult. The story you chose to tell accomplishes that effectively. You just need to make sure that the acknowledgement is there in order to make it official in the eyes of those around you and the reviewer as well. So you may need to edit the beginning of the essay in order to do this.

Don't be so detailed about the science experiment you were doing, that just deviates from the topic of the prompt. Try to just gloss over the experiment so you can immediately focus on the transition story. The sooner you get to it the better. Think of your word count. Don't run out of word allotment before you get to the acknowledgement of your adulthood. If you feel that you lack the words to express the transition properly, then edit the start of the essay some more. Look for ways to change the first 2 paragraphs if you can. That should work to better highlight the transition on your end.


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