Hey guys, I was wondering if you could go through my common app essay. The prompt i chose was #6 (Topic of Your Choice)
Common App Essay
1. Topic of your choice.
I am from the Kingdom of Bhutan.
As a child, I was in love with the fact that our school contained so many people from around the world, but even from an early age I was bothered by something. Everyone in our school had at least one other person from their country. During our international week, there would be a parade where people would wear their national costumes and walk around carrying a sign indicating which country they were from. Every year of this event, I would be the only person holding up the Bhutan sign. Other children started to notice this fact and during class they would often drop snide remarks about how I was the only one from Bhutan in our school. They would ask me condescending things like whether or not my country had electricity, whether Bhutan was an actual nation and I was even asked if people ate each other because they were starving.
When I meet a new person, a common icebreaker will be something along the lines of "where are you from?" After I reply, "I'm from Bhutan," the person I'm talking with normally has an odd, blank expression usually occupies their face accompanied by a "Where?" Seldom do I ever have someone reply to me "Bhutan? What a coincidence, I just spent the past 2 weeks there, trekking and eating emma datshi" (a common Bhutanese curry).
Bhutan is a small Himalayan kingdom nestled between China and India. The country is mostly made up of mountains covered in lush green forests, towering over valleys that are home to rice fields and rivers. Traditional Bhutanese houses are sparsely distributed throughout the country and there are a few small cities. Out of the estimated 1,000,000 Bhutanese people, I'm proud to say that I am one of them.
I was born and raised in the Philippines, spending almost all of my childhood attending International School Manila. Growing up in an international community has allowed me to broaden my ideas, my beliefs and my perception of the world. I am friends with people from all over the globe who each bring a little bit of their own culture into our school's community and allow me to understand how beautifully diverse our planet really is. At the same time, my parents have helped me to retain my cultural views and beliefs. I visit Bhutan every year during my holidays and enjoy every moment that I spend with my extended family and learning more of my country's rich cultural heritage.
Being a young child, I wasn't able to properly handle these situations and would often get upset. I would shy away from questions concerning my nationality and wouldn't show an ounce of enthusiasm when talking about my country.
One evening during dinner, I was having a discussion with my parents about whether or not I could change my citizenship and passport to a better-known country. I saw no problem with it; I would still have the flesh and blood of a Bhutanese whilst changing only my legal nationality. My parents instantly exchanged looks of concern, slowly placing down their forks and spoons.
"Why would you ever want to change your nationality?" my father asked.
I explained the teasing in school and how I felt like an outsider with my peers.
"There's absolutely no reason for you to feel like that," my mother replied. "You may feel left out because you are the only Bhutanese person in your school, but that is also why you should feel special. Don't hang your head in shame because you're from a small country; raise it high because there's no one else like you."
That night, as I lay on my bed and reflected on my mother's advice, I felt a gentle smile emerge on my face when I realized that I had finally accepted my nationality.
It's been around nine years since that talk with my parents' regarding my heritage. Alongside the drums and oboe, I am now also able to play the dramnyen (a type of Bhutanese folk guitar). I have volunteered for a youth camp in Bhutan during the summer of 2008, I have become fluent in Dzongkha (the most commonly spoken dialect in Bhutan) and can even prepare certain Bhutanese dishes (which rely heavily on chilies). I visit Bhutan every year and enjoy immersing myself in my heritage, learning about my culture from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (all of whom I am very close with) I have learned how to embrace my heritage while still being able to preserve the knowledge gained from other cultures. I wish to return to my home country, after I have completed my studies abroad, and utilize my gained knowledge to benefit my country, Drukyul, The Land of the Thunder Dragon.
If anyone now were to drop those same, long-forgotten remarks of my childhood about how I was the only one from Bhutan, I would smile politely, hold my head high and respond, "Yes I am."
I really, really enjoyed this essay. It was both heartwarming and educational, and it will definitely make you stand out.
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However, there were just a few parts you might want to change, which I highlighted in red :
... During our international week, there would be a parade where people would wear their national costumes and walk around carrying a sign indicating which country they were from. Every year at this event(removed comma) I would be the only person holding up the Bhutan sign. Other children started to notice this fact and during class they would often drop snide remarks about how I was the only one from Bhutan in our school. They would ask me condescending things like whether or not my country had electricity, or if Bhutan was an actual nation.I was even asked if people ate each other because they were starving. ...
...When I meet a new person, a common icebreaker will be something along the lines of "W here are you from?" (Capitalized the "W" in "Where") After I reply, "I'm from Bhutan," the person I'm talking with normally has an odd, blank expression (removed " usually occupies their face" - it was redundant) accompanied by a "Where?" Seldom do I ever have someone reply to me "Bhutan? What a coincidence, I just spent the past 2 weeks there, trekking and eating emma datshi " (a common Bhutanese curry). (Usually, if your essay is written primarily in English, you should italicize any terms that are in another language, such as "emma datshi". ...
...I was born and raised in the Philippines, and I spent almost all of my childhood attending International School Manila. ...
...As a young child, I wasn't able to properly handle these situations and would often get upset. I would shy away from questions concerning my nationality and wouldn't show an ounce of enthusiasm when talking about my country. ...
...My parents instantly exchanged looks of concern, slowly lowering their forks and spoons. ...
...It's been around nine years since that talk with my parents (removed the unnecessary apostrophe after parents.) regarding my heritage. Alongside the drums and oboe, I am now also able to play the dramnyen (a type of Bhutanese folk guitar). I (removed have) volunteered for a youth camp in Bhutan during the summer of 2008, became fluent in Dzongkha (the most commonly spoken dialect in Bhutan) and can even prepare certain Bhutanese dishes (which rely heavily on chilies). I visit Bhutan every year and enjoy immersing myself in my heritage, learning about my culture from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (all of whom I am very close with) I have learned how to embrace my heritage while still being able to preserve the knowledge gained from other cultures. I plan on returning to my home country after completing my studies abroad, and I hope to utilize my acquired knowledge to benefit my country, Druk Yul , The Land of the Thunder Dragon. (You might want to mention what Druk Yul is, because most people won't know that it's what the Bhutanese call Bhutan.)
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Also, you might want to change the order of the paragraphs. If you put the 4th and 5th paragraphs ("Bhutan is a small Himalayan kingdom..." and "I was born and raised in the Philippines...") right after the first line ("I am from the Kingdom of Bhutan"), then it will probably flow better. Otherwise it jumps from your childhood concerns right to an explanation of what and where Bhutan is, then back to the childhood.
Good luck! I know you'll succeed and I think this will be a winning essay in the end =)
Thanks for the help :)
Anyone have any advice pertaining to the actual content of my essay? Example: talk more about (blank), talk less about (blank) etc...
No you didn't seem to be lacking in any sort of content. If your primary focus was how you overcame your shame about being Bhutanese, then you definitely mentioned enough about that.
I would not change anything!! It's inspirational and heartwarming, and you write very well. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. I always recommend, though, that you mention their academic and professional plans, so that the reader knows you are focused and determined.
I liked this essay immensely. Usually people write about what they have learnt about diversity by interacting with people from different countries - by writing about how you learnt about your own culture you have given a different twist to the term 'diversity'.
Well done. As for the grammatical corrections, aa6877 has already touched on many of them.
All the best!
