"Krista, look through this performance list and see if its alright" - "Choir? Kermesse? Both?"

I feel like I'm using the the word I too much. Should I cut down my story and focus more on the impact of the story? Another other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

"Krista, please look through this performance list and see if its alright." my board mate asked. This was my first major task as Vice President of Kermesse committee, our school's spring festival. As an experienced committee member for 2 years, I was elected as president of the board. At first I refused, doubting my ability. The president saw the hesitation in my eyes and comforted me, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be a great leader if you put your heart to it." With his words in mind, I decided to challenge myself and take on the leadership role.

For half a year, my life revolved around Kermesse. Everyday after school I met up with the president and our teacher to discuss about the logistics of festival till dark. Along with the committee, We painted the poster, created advertisements, persuaded teachers to sponsor us. Many times, I faced rejection and tons of questions. I ensured everyone on the committee completed their part accurately and on time. All these in 3 months! With only the help of 30 other committee members!

I was confident all the hard work would pay off and Kermesse would run smoothly. To my horror, I find out last minute that our school choir was chosen to represent San Francisco to participate in Chicago's Festival of Gold and I would not be able to attend Kermesse. My heart sank. Our choir put all our effort in during the year to prepare for the competition. In addition, I was one of the lead singers of the choir. I couldn't let my choir team down. Nor could I let my committee down. I was torn between what to do. To go to choir? or stay for Kermesse?

For days, I felt as if there was a huge rock on my back, weighing me down. I couldn't focus during Kermesse meetings and during choir practice. I changed my choice back and forth, weighing both pros and cons. In the end, I decided to try to look for a flight that would fly off to Chicago after Kermesse. However, flights were very full during that time and I was waitlisted for the late flight.

I needed a backup plan. I informed my teacher in charge and my committee members about the situation at hand; they were all very understanding. I checked that all preparation work was done, went to each sub committee and overlooked their work. I also communicated with the security staffs and ticketing staff to give them instructions and solution to possible problems that might arise. I also ran several rehearsals for performances to guarantee that the performances will be flawless that day. I also appointed a friend to be my substitute for the day of Kermesse. I explained to her my responsibilities at Kermesse, and told her to call me immediately if anything happens.

Fortunately, I was able to take the late flight to travel to Chicago on my own. I run around the campus on the day of Kermesse, monitoring everything. Kermesse was a huge success. We received feedbacks from teachers claiming that we did a great job organizing the performances, food and even games. That night, exhausted, I hopped on the plane alone to join my fellow choir mates in Chicago.

Being an adult is presenting yourself to the world with all of your strengths, and your vulnerabilities, regardless of any insecurities. Responsibility and consequence both become a major impetus in most all of our decisions. Being an adult secures us great freedom and power in this world, but with that power and freedom we must always assume responsibility for our actions.

Krista, I am not really sure if this activity falls within the parameters of the prompt because the transition from child to adult is not as clear as you think it is. The lesson that you learned was not as life altering as it should be to depict a change in your point of view about life and your responsibilities you have as an adult within your given community. While you did display a sense of responsibility for your decisions and actions, I am really confident that the events depicted will be strong enough to convince the admissions officers reading this paper that an important coming of age event actually took place within the context of the story. The story is lightweight when considered overall and does not really contain any factors that show the acknowledgement of those older than you of your actions that can prove that you became an equal in their eyes. The other adults present in the story need to show their acknowledgement of your coming of age either by acknowledging the success of your actions or indicating that they would have made the same decisions as you did.

As for the word I, you need to use the word often because this is a first person point of view essay. Don't worry about. Worry instead about developing the depiction of yourself in transformation into adulthood. The critical mass event that would force such a transition on your part in this essay is really weak and needs to be looked into further.

hi louisa thank you so much. I really appreciate your help. Do you suggest me to rewrite the whole essay or further develop this one?

Also, when you said " While you did display a sense of responsibility for your decisions and actions, I am really confident that the events depicted will be strong enough to convince the admissions officers reading this paper that an important coming of age event actually took place within the context of the story." Do you mean the events depicted will NOT be strong enough?

Hi Krista, thanks for catching that. Yes, I meant that I am not confident about what you wrote. Sometimes my brain runs faster than my fingers :-) I would like to see how you would revise the essay to better respond to the prompt requirements if you can. You need to show a clear transition from child to adult in terms of duties, responsibilities, and other aspects of life wherein there is a true acknowledgement of your coming of age due to the decisions you made or actions that you took during that period of time. Sometimes, there is no formal acknowledgement from the adults about our transitioning to adulthood, it is taken as a matter of fact. So if you can just make the transition more obvious, it will become effective in responding to the prompt, sans the acknowledgement of adults. Perhaps there is a religious event in your family that can depict this? Something similar to the Bar Mitzvah of the Jews perhaps? Or maybe you were left in charge of your household for a weekend and your parents were happy with the results of your unsupervised time alone? Maybe you were put in charge of a group of unruly children and you managed to deal with them until their parents came back? Those are just some story ideas you can play around with in relation to the prompt. I am sure you can develop something else as well :-)