'our lacrosse playoff game' - Extracurricular common app essay

Prompt: Elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities. It should be less than 1,000 characters. I need feedback! I was trying to explain what lacrosse has taught me in an abstract way. Thanks :)

Attitude. It's 15 minutes into the second half of our lacrosse playoff game. Though we are down by two goals, we must stay ambitious and optimistic. As a three year old team amongst a league of established teams, it is time for our hard work to pay off.

Anticipation. Tweeeeettt! The whistle blows. Time is tight and the opposing team has the ball. Pass. Catch.

Determination. My opponent races towards me. As my foot leaves the restraining line, adrenaline pumps through my veins. Her eyes are scowling with the same acuteness that is burning within my body.

Focus/Goals. We both are seeking the ball and a win. As she nears, I quickly cut her off with my body positioning.

Communication. "Help!" I yell. I know my teammate will be there in a flash for the double team. Taken by surprise, my opponent drops the ball.

Teamwork. I pick the ball up and pass it to my teammate, who runs it down the field, closer to the goal and closer to a victory.

Nice. I like that you showed what happened! Maybe you can delete the beginning words: attitude, anticipation, and focus etc. Trust the readers.

Excellent response. Contrary to silentspring, I actually believe that the initial introductions (attitude, anticipation, determination, ...) are very very very effective. Since the prompt asks you to elaborate on an extracurricular activity, these introductory words help establish aspects of your activity which make it admirable and commendable. Also, it enables you to extend a specific event to cover the entire extracurricular activity. Overall, excellently written, very unique, the organization is extraordinary and will undoubtedly impress the admission officers.

i agree with Ramo i like the words in the beginning its very effective! and it tells what each of those words means to you in lacrosse.

good job and good luck!