"lead by example" philosophy; University of Michigan

Anything you can give me advice on would be helpful.

Q: Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it

A:If someone observed my team and tried to identify the captains, there's a good chance they would correctly identify two girls. However I can almost guarantee they would fail to identify the third; me. In my two years of being a captain, I've never become the stereotypical captain that tells others what to do. While I will provide direction when necessary, I much prefer the "lead by example" philosophy. At practice, you will rarely see me telling teammates what to do. Instead you will see me start working on a task, and if you wait a few seconds, you will see others join me.

Many believe, "captain" is a title of power given to an individual. I believe it is more of an earned label signifying someone is one others look to for guidance, example, and support. To deserve this label from my teammates, I know I have to make myself a model for them to follow and earn their trust and respect.

To do this, every day I try to improve myself and be the best I can for my girls. I never want to ask of them what I am unwilling to do myself, so I show them the path they must take to achieve their own success. As they have see me work hard and succeed, they have begun to do the same, and the entire team has grown stronger. My role in my team may be one described as quiet, but it is no doubt effective.

Although you provide a lot of examples, it's phrased in a way where it seems like you're just telling the reader about yourself, instead of making it seem more like really short stories that SHOW the reader about yourself. Of course, essays are about showing your strengths, but I think the way you have it right now can come off in a way that may not be very good.

I would also expand on your place on the soccer team. Obviously you're an important member-you've been a captain for two years! It must be a sport that you have a lot of passion and dedication for. Show that! Currently, even though somebody could infer that you love soccer, it doesn't really seem like that.

Everything you're saying is awesome though, and your grammar and syntax is all on point! I only noticed a couple errors:

However I can almost guarantee they would fail to identify the third; me.

This should be a colon, not a semi-colon, and there should be a comma after however, since you're using it as a "but" synonym.

Many believe, "captain" is a title of power given to an individual.

The comma should be taken out.

Good luck with your U of M application!

P.S. Love your use of the Oxford comma :)

What is the purpose of mentioning about these two girls? There is no any reference to them after these two sentences. I feel it is really not necessary. Also, I feel you have gone out of track. Your prompt talks about;


Instead of talking about the community that you belong to you rather talk about your leadership style. Just give some thought for that!