I learn so much more when I teach someone; Extracurricular Essay on Peer Tutoring

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting on Essay Forum. This is an essay for the Common Application, which says "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)."

My essay below has 853 characters, and I am not sure what else I can add. I know that there are probably several flaws since I'm not a great writer. But please post any comments and suggestions you might have. Thanks!

"I have been a part of the age-old Peer Tutoring Program ever since 7th grade. One of the biggest reasons why I love Peer Tutoring is because I feel like I learn so much more when I teach someone rather than when I am taught. It has also developed several positive qualities within me such as patience, determination and perseverance. I recall a certain experience I had in 12th grade when I had to tutor a 12th grader who had ADHD. This was undoubtedly a challenge since I had to cultivate the patience to work on a simple math problem for 15 minutes. But at the same time, it made me determined to not give up in helping the student to succeed. And of course, the joy I derived from hearing that the student's "F" average in math had risen to a "C" was worth the time I spent. Lastly, the fact that I can make a difference is what drives me to tutor."

By: E.S.S.

It has also developed several qualities within me such as...

You're essay looks great for a mere 1,000 character limit. Good luck!

Thank you Joey for your feedback! Anyone else? Bump

I think it is a good essay.

I recall a certain experience that I had in 12th grade when I had to tutor a (fellow? or you could just say classmate instead of 12th grader)12th grader who had ADHD.

It seems you have included all necessary details about your activity; you have picked a right activity and said why you like it, what it taught you, your experience and what you gained from it etc. However, I believe you can still have potential to improve its presentation because this provides a small window into your passions and personality. So, I guess you can improve on your tone more, try it out with more energy because you already have a very good answer.

Wow thank you everyone for your input! I will make improvements and post an updated essay sometime tomorrow hopefully.

I would have never even imagined that you guys would be praising my essay!

And Dumi, if possible, can you give me some suggestions to go about improving the tone? I really don't know where to start.

Could someone please at least tell me if the new conclusion is good or whether I should stick with the old one?

The only thing I need to know is whether or not I should keep the new sentence as the conclusion, or whether I should revert back to the old one. Bump

Please help!

Sorry about the delay.... there's so much to do here :D
Okkkkkkkkk... as I said before, you've already got a good framework; you have all the points that this answer should contain. But you tend to make statements where you can tell them through your own experiences that add more emotions and creativity to your writing and also make those guys convinced about your genuineness.For example;


.... this you can say;
She needed more than fifteen minutes to solve a very basic math problem and I still remember how my patience was put on test. However ,... (now tell what you learned from this experience)

Also, I find this link may be helpful for you to further improve your answer;
//collegeapps.about.com/od/essays/qt/short-answer-essay.htm
You've already done a good job!
Good Luck!

Thank you Dumi! I willl definitely do that!