Unce souring over the world the red shouldered hawk now lies dismantled on the metal surgical table. Eyes darting and talons thrashing it frantically tries to escape. "Esther, give me a hand and hold down the chest as I wrap the gauze around the wing - we need to position the bones back together." For the first time I placed my hands onto a wild hawk and felt it breathe and felt its heart beat. Outnumbered by its captors it utters a final whimper and gives up the battle. Little does this bird know that we are there to help.
Volunteering at our local Wildlife Center I got a glimpse of a veterinary life in its rawest sense. There was no cute purring or happy tail wagging in return for the help, but rather snarling teeth and claws; for this is the wild. A different satisfaction was felt as I'd witness a hawk with its wing hanging on fragments of bone later soar into a cloudless sky. Not all cases ended so happily however, and sometimes euthanasia was the only humane solution; but even such sad endings did not dim my enthusiasm. Instead they gave me a clear perspective of the many dangers wild animals face. Seeing the struggles in nature only increased my desire to help wildlife win more of these battles.
Fish hooks embedded into pelican beaks, baby squirrel thrown on the ground from chopped down trees, hit-and-runs, shooting for sport, and poisoning with toxins were often reasons animals were brought to the Wildlife Center. I saw that most of the harm to animals is inflicted by humans This unfortunately will never end, and led to my questioning our purpose. I felt as if we were quixotically fighting. However soon I realized our windmills were not imaginary as I witnessed a miraculous thing. I saw the volunteers acquire a bond with the center that gave them relief and peace of mind. They put all their personal problems aside and coexisted for the animal's sake. We are not hopelessly trying to clean an Augean stable but are working to maintain and preserve the world's harmony between man and animal and man and man. This is where I want to be recruited. I want to join this force and be part of it wherever I go.
There is a certain pride that came with wearing the Wildlife center beige collared shirt. When someone's eye fell upon it I could not help myself from discreetly beaming. Every helping hand counts and can make a difference, including mine. A society filled with the desire to help and learn, leads to a collaborative and positive environment. Thanks to this experience I now understand that dedication and teamwork can really make a difference.
At the University of Florida I would apply these values and help maintain its already harmonious and collaborative ambience. There I would enhance my intellectual abilities and join hands with others to effectively contribute to better life on campus and beyond.
Hi, Ionut - awesome essay! You hooked me from the beginning.
My comments will mostly be about grammar, as your storytelling is wonderful in itself :)
My suggestions:
"Hands move frantically, grabbing onto any limb they can grasp."
"From under them, ..."
"Finally, a defeated cry is let loose as the battle is lost. Overpowered and outnumbered by the many hands of the humans , this red shouldered hawk does not know their purpose is to help." I suggest this wording because your first sentences go between animal descriptions and human descriptions pretty fluidly - so the "it" following your "Finally, ..." is ambiguous because it doesn't have a specific noun that it's referring to. (It at least confused me.) Then I recommended "their purpose" instead of "they're there" just because it seems clearer that way, in my opinion. I also would change "To it..." in the next sentence to "To this creature" or "To the hawk" or something more descriptive than "it" - "it" just seems juvenile when compared to your story's otherwise colorful wording.
I'm not sure what "hands...that shot up in the air killing its brothers" means - do you mean the hands shot guns up in the air, killing its brothers? As you have it, it sounds more like hands shot up in the air, as if people were reaching for the hawks. I know that sounds picky, but I'm sure you can tell by now I appreciate explicit storytelling - especially when I'm unfamiliar with the scenario being described and sincerely want to understand what is happening. Right now I don't know if guns were used, or maybe crossbows, or what.
"However there is also the certain desire to help, solve, and cure, even when things get dirty." (add a comma after "However" and take out the one after "certain")
I would consider changing this: "I got a glimpse of the real veterinary life" to "I got a glimpse of a different side of veterinary life", or "I got a glimpse of veterinary life in its rawest sense", or something to that effect. Only because saying "I got a glimpse of the real veterinary life" implies that veterinarians who focus more on dogs, cats, horses, and other more domesticated animals, aren't "real" vets - and that could offend people on your school's admission board - which is NOT your goal! haha.
"...but instead encouraged a different desire". "Desire" doesn't seem quite right here, especially because you don't elaborate on that "desire" in the following sentences. Would maybe "...but instead encouraged a different, yet equally important, realization - you win some and you lose some." work for you? Those statements could be directly followed by your "Situations such as the latter only increased my desire to win more."
"I know what I am facing, and I am more than ready; not cerebrally of course though-that's what college is for." I would take "cerebrally" out completely and rephrase what you're trying to say. What, specifically, are you facing? What are you more than ready for? Your essay's first few sentences were so descriptive, and the words so exacting - as the essay continues, it seems to lose that focus.
"By volunteering I realized that much of the harm was inflicted by people." (take out "the" in front of "much")
"hits and runs" (should be "hit-and-runs")
"They acquired a bond with the center that gave them relief and peace of mind" - who acquired the bond, the people? or the animals? or both?
"This is when I realized that this is where I want to be recruited. I want to join the force to preserve our universes euphony. " Again, too many unclear references - "this" is referring to the time you realized where you wanted to go to college. Okay, but right afterward you say "this" again, but now it's referring to something else - I'm assuming it means UF. I'd say "UF" instead of "this", just to keep it all straight and clear. I'm sure the reader would understand, but you want to make it as easy as possible for them to understand you - clarity is so important!
"I want to join the force to preserve our universe' s euphony." You should follow this sentence up with how exactly you plan to do that. What organization(s) does UF offer that will allow you to help preserve wildlife and restore the "euphony" you're describing? What have you noticed from UF's website, or from UF's tours, or from articles you've read about UF, etc, that has led you to believe UF is the right institution for you? ALSO - what do YOU want to do for UF? Do you want to maybe start a wildlife club? Do you want to eventually do wildlife-related research and are intrigued by UF's resources/experience with that area of research? My point is, right now your essay seems like it could be sent to any college - you want to make the admissions team at UF think that UF is your number 1 choice. Even if it's not - you want them to believe it is! Show them that you have done your homework on the university and what it has, SPECIFICALLY, to offer.
"There is a certain pride that came with wearing the Wildlife center beige collared shirt. When someone's eye fell upon it I could not help myself from discreetly beaming. Every helping hand counts and can make a difference. Volunteering with the others at the center I realized the value of working as a team. Even those that couldn't provide physical help found ways to contribute. Mere cognizance of the situation and passing the word helps tremendously. All that is needed is an ambition and desire. A society filled with the desire to learn, and the desire to help, leads to a collaborative and positive atmosphere. I learned the value of teamwork, and the value of simply being aware. Thanks to this experience I've become ambitious and have acquired a thirst to learn more ways to contribute." This paragraph is full of generalities. First, I'm thinking that the "every helping hand counts and can make a difference" is referring specifically to preserving wildlife. But then the "Mere cognizance..." clouded things up again - is "the situation" simply that of humans killing wildlife and destroying habitats? Or is the situation the fact that we need to work together to stop unnecessary destruction? What are we passing the word about? "All that is needed is an ambition and desire." - all that is needed for what? For saving wildlife? For lending a hand? For working together?
Overall, I think this could reeeeally be an awesome, powerful essay. If you can get more specific and clear on what you are trying to say, that would make a BIG difference. Also, I'd suggest focusing on UF more - if I was just reading this essay alone, without the prompt, I would honestly think you're applying to veterinary school, or applying to work at a zoo, or applying to work for another wildlife center - there is no talk of undergraduate study. Try and tie in the volunteering more directly with your undergraduate ambitions, and how you plan to contribute to UF's community. (Good advice is to look back at the prompt every 10 minutes or so that you're writing, to make sure that you're answering the prompt clearly, and not going on a tangent).
Gosh that's long, I hope it helps, and good luck with applying! I graduated from UF (if you mean the University of Florida) last May and my 4 years there were a blast!
Casey, you are a hero. I hope you check out the EF Contributor page.
No longer soaring over the world, the red shouldered hawk now lies dismantled on the metal surgical table.
...between man and animal, between man and man.
This is going to be a winner. Maybe you lost some of the meaning by shortening it, but that is inevitable. The important thing is that this really conveys your enthusiasm and shows your seriousness. Also, you have a great way of writing!