For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once. COMMON APP

Prompt:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay:
For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once.
There I was on my 12th birthday watching as my family gawked over what I consider to be a mediocre achievement of my brother. At that moment I knew I was almost but soon forgotten in my families eyes. I did not know if I could handle being the "forgotten" child, I had heard a lot of stories about middle children and how they always turned out to be the "messed up" one of the family.

Being brought up as the "forgotten" child I was forced to be an adult at the age of 12. Now as I look back at my childhood I realize the lack of attention I received in a sense gave me a superpower i'm so grateful to have now. Even though at the time I still looked at my parents for a sense of belonging I knew if they disappeared I would be able to take care of myself. My main issues occurred when it came to self love and self worth. Being ignored by my parents made me seek love elsewhere, I sought out someone or something to give me the self confidence I lacked and the love I felt I never received. At the time my parents were very free with me. For example they would let me go Downtown Chicago every weekend until 11pm or 12am not having a clue of where I was or what I was doing.

It was late September, the weather was cool, and it was that time of year I would sit in a Downtown Chicago park and admire the leaves changing colors, squirrels whisking from tree to tree, and Chicago natives walking their dogs with sweaters. It was that day I was sexually assaulted. After that day, I became reserved, shy and very angry towards everyone and everything including my parents and God. I began indirectly begging them for attention by fighting with my mother, sneaking out of the house, ignoring family, and even attempts of suicide. After being sexually assaulted I believed it was my fault, that I lead him towards me, that if I didn't dress a certain way or if I didn't greet that man with a smile this would have never happened.

Thankfully, one day I heard a beautiful quote by Rumi that said, "The garden of the world has no limits, except your mind" and at that moment I decided take my life into my own hands. I realized that self love comes from within, no one can give it to you not even you parents. I began to connect with God and most importantly I began to forgive myself. I took self defense classes with the knowledge that no one can hurt me but the ones I allow to hurt me. I started back talking to my now best friend of 8 years. I began walking with my head up, I finally started to see myself as the beautiful girl inside and out that I was destined to be. I now know if it wasn't for that dark time I would've never became the light of my own life. I now am a soft-hearted, confident, and intelligent young woman who is finally in the driver seat of her own life.

It's ironic how the worst part of your life can become your greatest motivation.

Help:
Does it answer the question?
Is it too much?
Is it detailed?
Does it make sense?

The back talking to your best friend caught me off guard. However, overall, I found your essay compelling. It's a personal account of an incident that became central to your identity. Thus, in my opinion, you successfully answered the prompt. It's not too much. It's adequately detailed. It makes sense.

If I may make one suggestion, I recommend that you work on improving the flow of your essay, that is, smooth out any and all inconsistencies. I encountered several "bumps" as I was reading. Toward the end, you never mention how your feelings toward your brother have changed. How's your relationship with your family now? In the first and second paragraph, it sounds as if you're blaming your parents for neglecting you. The third paragraph gives the impression that you wouldn't have been sexually assaulted had your parents been more controlling. You mentioned that you ignored your family; however, weren't they already ignoring you? Such inconsistencies weaken your essay.

This is only my opinion. In a way, I can see the point that you're trying to make. Out of turmoil, you discovered self-reliance. You found strength from your hardships. You're independent. You're intelligent. Curious, though. How did that particular experience make you softhearted? In addition, you wrote that you're now in the driver seat of your own life, but from the beginning toward the end of your essay, it sounds as if you were always in the driver seat. You simply learned to be a better driver.

So why do you want to go to college? How does your desire to want to go to college connect with your identity now? What effects, if any, will college have on your identity?

You say that life happened for you slowly then all at once. You need to further detail how that happened for you. What was life like before you turned 12? That is the "slow part", everything after that, is the" all at once" part.

-I think you can further develop this sentence. It is your introductory statement so this is your chance to define the topic that you will be discussing. Was your birthday forgotten by the family members? What occurred specifically to make you realize you were becoming forgotten? You should explain further about what the definition of a "forgotten" child is and why you feared becoming one.


- How so? What did you have to do for yourself that only adults were supposed to go? This is your chance to explain how your life happened all at once.

-I am not sure how this relates to the effects of your being a forgotten child. I suggest you connect this experience or the reasons this occurred with the forgotten child image and the troubled family relationship you previously discussed.


- There was no reason or buildup that needed this sentence. You can skip it.

Personally, I feel that you did answer the prompt and provided a good example of how you grew up without parental guidance and the pitfalls that occurred related to that. My comments in green should help you develop the essence of the essay further. Towards the conclusion, you should show how you have either repaired or not repaired your broken family relationship. How has your current relationship with your parents affected your idea that you are a forgotten child? While the religious discussion and loving oneself is important to the theme of your paper, you need to let the reader know where you are on a family level as well. There are grammatical and punctuation errors that can be overlooked for now as I am sure you will want to revise this paper to become a better reflection of yourself and what happened to you. I believe you have a great story to tell and that others can learn from it. Please let us read your revision when you have done it :-)

This is definitely a much better version.

In answer to your questions:
- Yes, it is alright to use the word "screwed up" in the essay. The word is used to describe certain things and is totally acceptable in non-formal essays such as this one.

- While the topic of sexual assault can be uncomfortable to read about, you did not launch into any graphic details that would put the reader in an uncomfortable position. In fact, you discussed it as part of a life changing event that produced offshoots which eventually helped you come to certain realizations about yourself.

- You answered the prompt. The essay asked you to tell the reader something about yourself that would not normally be found in your personal statement or statement of purpose. This essay shows your development as a person and the strength of your character. It is a very good, strong, and admirable essay in my opinion. I hope my extra edits and comments help you further perfect the next version of the paper. I believe you are still within the word count :-)

NOTE: I would like to suggest that you change the title of your essay though. It is still unclear how life happened slow and then all at once for you throughout the essay. I would rather title this something like "Lessons Learned by a Forgotten Child" or something more fitting towards the forgotten child discussion and the personal development you experience later on.

I had always feared becoming the "forgotten" child from all the horror stories I had heard of them becoming the screwed up member of the family- who does them refer to?

I think you can give the person who assaulted you a name- it makes it more authentic and personal
I also think that you can elaborate more on how you have changed, after all, the essay is about your identity now.
overall I think its a brilliantly engaging essay. good luck!