I would really appriciate feedback on my essay for applyting to FIT.
Advertising and marketing communications FIT essay
I heard my dad downstairs, talking to my mom on the phone. I knew what had just happened. My first US visa had been delivered. My heart dropped. I was excited to the point where it turns into terrifying.
A couple of hours later I was on my way to the airport, booking a ticket to New York City in the cab. I got to the gate just as they were closing the door. I was heading to my first New York Fashion Week.
I was 18 years old and a couple of years earlier, while at a music festival in Sweden, ironically at the worst of my eating disorder, I was asked by three model agencies to start modeling. I never wanted to be a model, I wanted to be a journalist and had journalism as my main focus in high school. Modeling was supposed to be a quick break, a chance to earn money and travel before going to University.
"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."
Six years later I am still in New York, the city I now call my home, with a solid modeling career. A career that I am thankful for, but isn't fulfilling to me.
Three years ago I had a "what the heck am I doing" moment. I wanted to do more, go back to being the hard-working student I once was and challenge myself. My undeniable skills in walking in high-heels and fitting into a size 0 just weren't enough.
I started to reach out to people in other industries, asking for advice and internships and started to code. To my surprise, people responded and I started an internship at VendorBD, run by Chris Keif (Head of Technology at 360i) and Dan Murphy (then a producer at Google's creative lab, now EVP, Director of Digital at Deutsch). Dan has since then been my mentor and has offered me a job on two occasions at Deutsch. Both falling through due to visa issues.
The first time I decided to try a different path and started working as a junior producer at MONROWE magazine, organizing shoots in NYC and LA, managing their social accounts and their website, with no budget whatsoever. I learned a lot there, but when the founder moved to LA and the team was pretty much just me, I decided to look for something else.
I got an interview with the founder of ATTCK, a web design, and development agency. I followed up with him an embarrassing amount of times before he got back to me saying that I should meet the team. I have now been a Marketing Manager at ATTCK for over a year. I manage their social accounts, creating case studies, client reviews, paid advertising, newsletters and content updates for their website.
Working with the team at ATTCK has taught me so much about working in marketing, how to communicate with different types of clients, and internally with my team and come up with ideas for how to market ourselves. The founder of ATTCK recently gave me the opportunity to be in charge of market research, marketing, sales, tracking and analytics for his new side project, Sourcery, an AI website generator. An amazing project, but once agin I found myself feeling stuck, knowing neither Sourcery or ATTCK would be able to sponsor my visa. The growth is limited, and my model agency here in NYC will always have the last word on how my days look like.
I reached out to my mentor Dan, asking for guidance. The timing was perfect, and he wanted to bring me on board as the media producer for one of Deutsch accounts. Full time, sponsor my visa, the whole deal. I was so excited.
Once again, the lawyers didn't feel they had enough evidence to sponsor the visa I need.
This time I decided to apply to FIT.
I haven't been this sure about anything in my life. A degree from FIT will help me to finally be able to stop modeling and create a career where I'm able to develop and secure my future. No matter where I decide to go in life.
It gets me excited to the point where it's terrifying. Last time that happened my whole life changed for the better and I can't wait for that to happen again.
Thank you for your consideration.@TovaW
Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm going to provide you feedback on this writing; and, hopefully, it will help you in your learning endeavors.
First and foremost, the construction and pattern of writing is a bit odd and messy. What I would suggest is, instead of spacing everything out like this, try to compartmentalize details that are close to each other. For instance, first and second paragraph can be turned into one. The fourth to the sixth can also be merged into one.
Furthermore, it was quite baffling how you moved on with the explanations, only to mention at the end that this is the reason why you're applying for the program. In that regard, having a good chunk of your essay dedicated to the modeling experience would be redundant as it does not really contribute much to the writing itself.
What I would suggest is trying plot everything out prior to writing to help you get a clearer vision of what you want to accomplish by the end of it all.
