My life story (father in Air Force, school) - UCF application

I was born in Newmarket, England and moved to the United States ten years later due to my father being in the Air Force. I developed a very independent mind as an only child, and I was very shy. A few months before I moved to America, my grandmother sat me down and taught me how to draw the scenery in front of us but I couldn't draw the flowers as detailed and intricate as she could. As I grew frustrated, I told my grandmother that I couldn't draw, and that I'd never be good at art. I threw my pencil onto the ground as she told me, "There's no such thing as 'I can't' because nothing is possible without trying." Whenever I begin to doubt myself, I can remember my grandmother's exact words playing in my mind. She reminded me that I can do anything I put my mind to, and I've taken her advice ever since.

As a ten year old, moving was a brand new experience for me because the United States was like a brand new world. I was known as the "British girl with an accent" at my new school. When I first began to interact with my peers, they would bombard me with questions. They'd ask me where I'm from or they'd ask what it's like in England. I was eventually forced to break out of my introverted shell and I began to enjoy the attention. I definitely missed England, but I knew that my family and I were stationed overseas for a reason. Later on in my high school years, I joined many activities that involved working with others and expanding my group of friends. Thanks to my obstacles, I've become the highly motivated and confident young adult I am today and because of my experiences, I'll be guided on the path to pursue my dreams.

(I want my next paragraph to be number 3..But I'm not sure how I should start the next paragraph. What I do know is that I feel as if I belong at UCF because the university has many opportunities that will help me reach my goals. Any suggestions?)

(tell the truth, is it good or not? I'm nervous about this)

This is my first contribution to this forum, Chloe, so I may be out of line, but what strikes me about your draft is that you've started by asking a different question to the one that you were actually asked. They haven't asked for your life story, you're being asked about an obstacle; if this was your father's relocation, then focus on that sooner and as you've only got 250 words to play with, make every one count. I like the way you've included direct speech (but capitalize the first 't' in your grandmother's words). Use 'amazingly', not 'amazing'. The English town is called Newmarket. Good luck!

I think you can make the firs sentence more interesting if you wait for some inspiration to come, and... write a srange, surprising, interesting sentence that hints at the concept that is central to this essay. :-)

Also, I'll add a comma and fix grammar here:
A few months before I moved to America, my grandmother had sat me down and taught me how to draw the scenery in front of us, but I couldn't draw the flowers with the detail and intricacy that she was able to achieve.

As a ten year-old, moving was...

(I want my next paragraph to be number 3..But I'm not sure how I should start the next paragraph. What I do know is that I feel as if I belong at UCF because the university has many opportunities that will help me reach my goals. Any suggestions?)

(tell the truth, is it good or not? I'm nervous about this)---You have a nice style of writing! Also, I think everyone can remember how it was in school when one student had an accent that made her seem "different"... so he reader can really relate to that.

However, let me tell you something important: When the reader finishes reading, she will have one thought in mind. She will be thinking about one main idea of your essay. Like a powerful concentration of all one's resources into a single moment, you should make it so that the concepts in this essay all relate to one awesome idea. So... what is your theme? Your reason for applying o this school? What is your big idea? As you continue to write, let the story about your grandmother and the story about your move converge on a single, excellent idea.

@EF_Kevin - why the insistence on including 'had'? As a native British English speaker/writer 'My grandmother sat me down' sounds right to me in this context.

It's because of this opening sentence:


This establishes our attention on the move happening in the past tense. Then, as we reach back even further we use that strange "past perfect" tense. You are not wrong, though! It really would be alright to use the past tense. But in a situation like this, maybe past perfect sounds better. Well, to be honest, though, I might be thinking about it the wrong way...

:-)