I have some trouble in grammar and sentence structure. My essay doesn't semms to flow well, so I am hoping if anyone could give me some suggestions and comments. Really appreciated!
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come form - for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In psychology class, I learned about nature versus nurture. I studied how genetic traits (nature) and personal experiences (nurture) shaped a person's behavior and personality. Although genes could affect one's physical appearance, I believe determination depends on one's experiences and hardships in life. I had experienced such life changing struggle when my family and I moved to America; it was a struggle that inspired me to overcome future obstacles and to strive for higher successes.
When my family and I moved from Hong Kong to America, I was polarized between the two worlds: the world that I no longer lived in and the world that I had no knowledge of. I felt a barrier had isolated me from communicating to people. However, with the help of my friends and teachers, who guided me through many difficulties, I was able to break that barrier and to express my opinions freely.
In my sophomore year, I was accepted into the Cal-SOAP Scholar Program (California Student Opportunity and Access Program), a program that changed me dramatically. Every week, I took an hour-long bus ride to the University of San Diego. At first, I felt terrified sitting with thirdly other students I did not know, but later I discovered they also wanted to make new friends just like I was. Our teacher Ms. G, taught us many test-taking strategies and tips on writing college essay. She encouraged us to peer-review and work together in groups. I enjoyed working in this collaborative environment because it taught me many different ways and approaches to solve a problem. As my writing skills grew exponentially, I become more confident at expressing and translating my thoughts on paper.
Looking back at my experiences, I have transformed from a shy and timid student into a self-motivated and goal-oriented individual who enjoys learning on his own. In college, I see myself guiding students through difficulties, meeting people from different ethnic backgrounds and exploring my interest in politics. I understand the future will be full of obstacles and challenges, but I feel I will be better prepared to adapt to these changes.
At first, I felt terrified sitting with thirdly (did you mean thirty? ) other students I did not know, but later I discovered they also wanted to make new friends just like I was.
You might want to spell out Ms. G.
You should think of a better transition from p1 to p2, like how your friends/teachers motivated you to join or you were reluctant to join.. etc.
I think I see what William means. You need to say thirty, not thirdly.
At first, I felt terrified sitting with thirdly other students I did not know, but later I discovered they also wanted to make new friends just like I was did.
Hey, there is nothing wrong with your sentence structure! You write very well. I just think you should mention nature vs. nurture again at the end, because that is the theme you seem to be using in the essay., Say something insightful at the end about this concept. And keep in mind the MESSAGE or IDEA you want to leave the reader with at the end. For example, what do your experiences (nurture) do to affect your dreams and aspirations pertaining to politics?
:-)
