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Life isn't always about being on top but it's about how you make it to be on top



rushingasever 1 / 9  
Aug 16, 2010   #1
pls. give me some constructive criticism not insults that i am not good in writing, yes, i know i am not that good, and im asking for your help guys to improve my skills, thank you for your help, :p

"Are there any significant experiences you have had, accomplishments you have realized, that has helped define you as a person?"

Aristotle once verbally expressed, "Knowing oneself is the beginning of all sagaciousness." Thus, knowing oneself is the foundation of personal magnification, the commencement of an individual to fully acquire the essence of life. Being acquainted with yourself is not accomplished by merely visually examining your reflection as you stand in front of a full-length mirror, but is gradually acquired, as yourself, your very own mentor, teaches you every aspect of it.

Being in the middle of my teenage life, I could not disavow nor escape the fact that I am also in the middle of knowing myself and knowing the world. Knowing in a sense of learning through my challenges in life, achievements, failures and learning through my relationship with God and with others. Teenage life is indeed a tough part, for the reason that I get to visually perceive a clearer view of life - which is not about any of my infantile dreams and happy endings but it is about the reality that, without a doubt, it is a rollercoaster ride of muddled up sentiments, unreturned perplexities and caught up thrash abouts.

I find it hard to succumb to slumber, though the downpour of rain should've alleviated it. My insanity level roamed up high, misery went up to me, my hazelnut orbs turned red for crying, as I contemplate profoundly and once asked God. "Do you really play equality and fairness to all of your creation? If yes, then why can't you grant my desire, to be in the highest section of our school were I did my very best just to be in it?" It is indeed a blasphemous act to question God with such a preposterous reason, but I was in the agony of disappointment, lost in the labyrinth for I was puzzled. After some time, I promised to myself that I have something more to prove and took it as a challenge.

As a dynamic figure enrolled in a quaint educational institution, my life as a student doesn't differ from anyone. A hectic schedule, loads of exams, terror teachers and competitive classmates. To sum up all of these, it is what you call pressure but this doesn't hinder me from pursuing my personal goals. Through my perseverance and determination, I got promoted.

To encapsulate everything, I have come to a realization that life isn't always about being on top but it is about how you make it to be on top. Failure is indeed unequivocally inevitably ineluctable, but how you take it, is up to you. For me failures are just stones in my shoe, I pause for a while and remove them, but they don't hinder me from walking forward. If we contemplate the old verbal expression, "Is the cup half empty or half full?" which is an impeccable analogy of how we perceive and visually examine things. I learned that ups and downs are the ones that makes your life's journey more worthwhile. Every experience I encounter, may it be bad or good, plays an immensely colossal role in moulding my figure into a better one and helped me knowing myself. This may not be the pinnacle of knowing myself but with the help of my family, friends and especially God, sooner I will.

"Success is often the result of taking misstep in the right direction."

qpnguyen 2 / 4  
Aug 16, 2010   #2
first impression after reading your essay, i feel like it's a bit wordy. you have strong vocabulary but at times it seems like simpler words would suffice.
swu02 2 / 11  
Aug 16, 2010   #3
I agree with qpnguyen.

I think it would be good to bring up your statement earlier, which I think is best conveyed in your last paragraph. Also one way to maintain your vocabulary without sounding too wordy is to bring some real life examples.
ih8artichokes 6 / 17  
Aug 17, 2010   #4
"Aristotle once verbally expressedsaid , "Knowing oneself is the beginning of all sagaciousness." Thus, knowing oneself is the foundation of personal magnification, the commencement of an individual to fully acquire the essence of life. "

"Being acquainted with yourself is not accomplished by merely visually examining your reflection as you stand in front of a full-length mirror, but is gradually acquired, as yourself, your very own mentor, teaches you every aspect of it."

This part is pretty wordy and confusing, especially the part about "as yourself, your very own mentor". Also, I think you should divide this into two phrases since it's hard to follow.

"Teenage life" is also a cumbersome phrase. Perhaps saying "as a teenager" or the like would be more fluid?

Overall, you have great ideas, but you should work on not switching so frequently between 2nd and 1st person. You should reserve the 2nd person viewpoint for only your first paragraph and not use it anymore in the rest of your essay.

Also, is there a specific experience or moment you can zoom in on? Sometimes, what you're saying sounds very theoretical and a bit "preachy".
OP rushingasever 1 / 9  
Aug 17, 2010   #5
hey, thanks guys, qpnguyen swu02 ih8artichokes
i really appreciate your comments, and greatly helped me improving, :P

thanks guys, but are there any more comments?.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Aug 18, 2010   #6
Being acquainted with yourself is not accomplished by merely visually examining your reflection as you stand in front of a full-length mirror,---- This is a great sentence...

I'll change this part, though: ... but instead is gradually acquired as you, acting as your very own mentor, teach yourself every aspect of it.----

Wordy and confusing? Yes, maybe a little.. Readers need it to be spoon fed to them nowadays, so write in short sentences sometimes. Here, you need to stay in the past verb tense:

I found it hard to succumb to slumber, though the downpour of rain should've alleviated it the insomnia .

My insanity anxiety level roamed up high, misery went up to me, my hazelnut orbs turned red for crying, as and I contemplate profoundly and once asked God, "Do you really play equality and fairness to all of your creation? If yes, then why can't...

Thanks for sharing such personal insights and experiences!
OP rushingasever 1 / 9  
Aug 19, 2010   #7
thank you very much, EF_Kevin
its so nice that you appreciate my work,
and im flattered when you said that parts of it are really good,
im really thankful , :P

Thanks for sharing such personal insights and experiences!

you're welcome, and no problem,
ishterz 2 / 6  
Aug 19, 2010   #8
I like your essay but i agree that you should use simpler words here and there. It would also be more personal if you put a concrete detail of the struggle of teenage life because sometimes it seems you are talking in an abstract sense.Put a detail in your life personal to you to make it more original.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Aug 20, 2010   #10
parts of it are really good

Yep, I especially like this part:
I find it hard to succumb to slumber, though the downpour of rain should've alleviated ...

Even when writers make some mistakes, it is very impressive to see real insights, like the insight about "how you make it to the top."
OP rushingasever 1 / 9  
Aug 21, 2010   #11
hhmm, :)
thank you very much EF_Kevin
thank you for appreciating it, :P


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