Hello everyone, I am new here at the essay forum :P . I am an international student and applying to US universities for coming 2013 fall term. This is my common application essay and i have shown it to my parents, my friends and my english teacher. They said it's interesting but lacking something . I know that there is something lacking too. Please comment me, and don't mind telling me how my essay is so wrong or bad :P
An Epiphany Moment/experience
The intense searing rays of the afternoon sun impaled my face, the buzzing and strident sounds of the car engines deafened my ears, and the polluted air I was inhaling suffocated my lungs. I was sitting in my car which was stuck in a long traffic jam near a bridge. My car is a twenty-year-old Toyota van, and its air-conditioning system had stopped working a long time ago. Feeling exhausted and drenched from the heat, I could not do anything to improve the situation. So in order to distract myself from this scorching situation, I looked around to observe my surroundings.
It was like an old antique picture of faded color. As I looked around to observe my surroundings, I realized that my car was amongst a bunch of antiquated cars like mine but at 2 o'clock, I saw a black shiny Toyota Lexus LX 570, which captured my attention. "Such a fabulous car," I thought, "One day I will own one of these, together with a Lamborghini and Bugatti Veyron, haha."
I had a penchant for beautiful and luxurious cars and this had driven me to desire success in my academic studies. I understood that to own such expensive cars, I have to try hard and gain money, in other words, I have to become rich so that I can buy anything no matter how expensive.
The cars honking re-awakened me to the surroundings. The cars started to move again. I started the car engine and after letting out some grating noises, my car started to move again but not for long, the traffic stopped flowing. Now my view had changed, I was on top of a hill where down below I could see the whole bridge and a nearby construction site.
I turned my head and looked around. I saw small boats in the river, two enormous cranes carrying giant stones in the construction site and on the aged bridge hundreds of dark-skinned people were walking, and most of them seemed to be construction workers from nearby river bank construction site. Some of them were women holding their young children. Suddenly my head stopped turning. This scene had a great impact on me. It made me feel uneasy.
I had seen this type of scenery before when I helped my older cousin with his construction work. I have met these kinds of men and women before. They are the daily-workers who feed their families from their toil. They have to work under the blazing sun or pouring rain for the whole day and are paid very little. However, on their burnt and wrinkled faces, shine a ray of happiness that they are feeding their families.
A small, delighted voice made my head turn unconsciously to the pavement next to my car, and then I saw a dark-skinned lady with a child. She looked at me gracefully, with a delicate smile on her face, which was joyful and full of hope as well as having the depth of Mona Lisa's smile. It pierced my heart like a spear.
I felt guilty and ashamed of the selfish ambition that had dominated my entire life. Does a buying expensive luxurious car please me? What if I donate this money to those who are poor? Why do I have to fill up my mind with greed, and selfishness, where we have such a short life and in which nothing is eternal? What if I become successful and able to help unfortunate people in order to make the world a better place? I questioned myself, and at the moment, I was struck by feelings of serenity and wisdom.
The cars honking snapped my consciousness back from my stoned self. The cars started to move again, and this time the traffic jam was dissolving. The uneasiness in my heart had also dissolved and both my mind and heart were tranquil but I had the energy to move forward. It took me sometimes to revive my car engine again; however, I knew that something about me had changed. I moved away slowly, knowing that I had so much to learn if I really desired to be of use to others.
An Epiphany Moment/experience
The intense searing rays of the afternoon sun impaled my face, the buzzing and strident sounds of the car engines deafened my ears, and the polluted air I was inhaling suffocated my lungs. I was sitting in my car which was stuck in a long traffic jam near a bridge. My car is a twenty-year-old Toyota van, and its air-conditioning system had stopped working a long time ago. Feeling exhausted and drenched from the heat, I could not do anything to improve the situation. So in order to distract myself from this scorching situation, I looked around to observe my surroundings.
It was like an old antique picture of faded color. As I looked around to observe my surroundings, I realized that my car was amongst a bunch of antiquated cars like mine but at 2 o'clock, I saw a black shiny Toyota Lexus LX 570, which captured my attention. "Such a fabulous car," I thought, "One day I will own one of these, together with a Lamborghini and Bugatti Veyron, haha."
I had a penchant for beautiful and luxurious cars and this had driven me to desire success in my academic studies. I understood that to own such expensive cars, I have to try hard and gain money, in other words, I have to become rich so that I can buy anything no matter how expensive.
The cars honking re-awakened me to the surroundings. The cars started to move again. I started the car engine and after letting out some grating noises, my car started to move again but not for long, the traffic stopped flowing. Now my view had changed, I was on top of a hill where down below I could see the whole bridge and a nearby construction site.
I turned my head and looked around. I saw small boats in the river, two enormous cranes carrying giant stones in the construction site and on the aged bridge hundreds of dark-skinned people were walking, and most of them seemed to be construction workers from nearby river bank construction site. Some of them were women holding their young children. Suddenly my head stopped turning. This scene had a great impact on me. It made me feel uneasy.
I had seen this type of scenery before when I helped my older cousin with his construction work. I have met these kinds of men and women before. They are the daily-workers who feed their families from their toil. They have to work under the blazing sun or pouring rain for the whole day and are paid very little. However, on their burnt and wrinkled faces, shine a ray of happiness that they are feeding their families.
A small, delighted voice made my head turn unconsciously to the pavement next to my car, and then I saw a dark-skinned lady with a child. She looked at me gracefully, with a delicate smile on her face, which was joyful and full of hope as well as having the depth of Mona Lisa's smile. It pierced my heart like a spear.
I felt guilty and ashamed of the selfish ambition that had dominated my entire life. Does a buying expensive luxurious car please me? What if I donate this money to those who are poor? Why do I have to fill up my mind with greed, and selfishness, where we have such a short life and in which nothing is eternal? What if I become successful and able to help unfortunate people in order to make the world a better place? I questioned myself, and at the moment, I was struck by feelings of serenity and wisdom.
The cars honking snapped my consciousness back from my stoned self. The cars started to move again, and this time the traffic jam was dissolving. The uneasiness in my heart had also dissolved and both my mind and heart were tranquil but I had the energy to move forward. It took me sometimes to revive my car engine again; however, I knew that something about me had changed. I moved away slowly, knowing that I had so much to learn if I really desired to be of use to others.