I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition

Prompt; describe any extracurricular or volunteer activities you participate. (No word limit)
This is a question under my application, as it is not grouped under essay topics. But below is my response. I hope I answer the question? Any awkward sentence?

Being an active participant of extracurricular activities ranging from various mathematics, physics, chemistry and science competitions to project exhibitions, since second term of my first year in senior high school till I graduated. I've gained many valuable skills and most importantly the effectiveness of time management that helped me in the last high school competition I attended. The last competition, which was the ministry of education physics competition really shaped my thinking and proved my ability of succeeding academically in field of engineering.

After receiving the representation call from my teacher, I backed it up with my usual preparation and nights reading. A night before the scheduled date, I set my clock alarm to five O'clock so that I could got enough time to prepare and refresh what I had read. ***On the schedule date***. ''gran gran!'' the alarmed clock sounded, indicating it was five O'clock. I took my bath, dressed in my uniform, refreshed what I read and I headed to the park to meet my class mate, in order to beat the morning traffic jam as the school gave us to and fro transport fee.

When we got to the venue, we saw thousands of students from various high schools in the state getting accredited on a queue. We joined the queue, after our accreditation, we were pulled to an auditorium where we took the examination. I put my best effort in competition coupled with my time management skill, I was able to finished before the time allotted was over.

Three weeks after the competition, I received a notification via text from the competition board, that I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition and I was rewarded. The outcome of this activity did not only prove my ability to succeed in engineering department but it also shows that I'm prepared for a future in engineering.

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Adeyemi, the first problem with your essay is that you do not clearly state what kind of activity you participated in and why. You must state the activity and the reasons you were attracted to it. After that, you should develop another paragraph that explains how you have developed as a person and what other unique benefits you gained from your participation in this activity. Make sure to explain its relation to your current major if such a connection exists.

This current essay does not tell us anything that explains your extra curricular or volunteer activity. Rather, it is discussing an activity that you participated in without offering a clear explanation to the reader as to why you were engaged in this activity in the first place. It also sounds more academic in requirements that extra curricular. You might want to think about whether this is a real extra curricular activity that you enjoy which just happens to be related to your field of academic interest. I would suggest that you try to show another side to your personality using this prompt by showing that you enjoy doing other fun activities that do not necessarily have an academic inclination.

Vangiespen, Thanks for your time and another positive/general feedback. I promise to review this essay tomorrow as it over mid night here. Maybe I should say I don't really understand the meaning of extracurricular activities, as I often write about my participation in competitions when asked about extracurricular activities. I pray I come up with something that is not academic incline tomorrow.

Thanks.

Adeyemi, extra curricular activities are activities that you participate in outside of an academic setting. things that you do to relax, pass the time, de-stress, or generally, just take your mind off your academic requirements is considered an extra curricular activity. It is something else you do in your life aside from study. Some good examples of extra curricular activities are volunteering to help those less fortunate than you, developing your hobbies (pottery, stamp or coin collecting, baking, cooking, etc.), participating in sports like swimming, walking your dog, helping out in charitable organizations, and the like. I hope these examples give you a clear idea of what extra curricular activities are and the kind of personality development that can come out of it for you :-)

Vangiespen, thanks for your feedback, I have developed another essay based on your initial post. The essay answered all the aforementioned in your initial post. Which kind of activity? And why the activity? Why I'm attracted to it? How it develop me as a person?

I developed this essay based on your initial post, as I just saw your explanation of extra curricular activity after I had developed the below essay. Do I still need to develop another one? Or This essay now answer the prompt?

I hope this new essay now answer the prompt? Or what is your take and suggestions? Do you feel I should explain some part more? As there is no word limit. Are my transitions okay?

Throughout my high school, I have had the opportunity to be involved in many extracurricular activities. However, the activity that has most influence on my high school community and students was when I and a group of others founded MATHSA (Mathematics Students Association) of Ijaiye Ojokoro. The group was created when we noticed mass failure in mathematics among the students in the school and the purpose of creation was to reduce mass failure, tutor and inspire students to search for knowledge.

Being one of the officials with vast knowledge of mathematics and has represented the school and proved his ability in various competitions. I was always appointed to tutor member of the group with difficulty in the subject. I embrace this opportunity because I love to help others and I saw the opportunity as another way to hone my intellectual and put my ability in use.

Ever since the activity of the group in my school community, there has been reduction in the failure of mathematics and we have been able to tutor students that have acquired stable feat in subject. Apart from the impact of the group on my school community, my constant tutoring of the members also helped me to overcome my fear of public speaking as I can now stand in front of people and pass the appropriate information.

Adeyemi, I must applaud you for turning the essay around in a big way. You not only responded to the essay, but also displayed a sense of leadership in the community that you belonged to which was implied in the essay prompt. You should be proud of the way you developed your answer to this essay because it proves that academic interests can also be integrated into extra curricular activities in a big way. That said, we should now begin to address and further problems with the essay. Most of which seem to be grammatically related at this point. I will advise you regarding better sentence structure below:


- I had the opportunity to participate in many high school extra curricular activities, but the activity that had the most influence upon me was my participation the MATHSA (Mathematics Students Association) This was the group created by other Math inclined students at my school in Ijaiye, Ojokoro for the benefit of the students in our school who were doing poorly in their Math subjects to the point were a mass failure in Math related exams in our school could no longer be ignored. The purpose of our group was to ensure that the failures would be reduced through tutoring and inspiring the students to do better in their Math classes as a part of their quest for knowledge


- Being a more senior and more Math adept students in the group, I was often asked to represent our school in various competitions in the past. It was therefore, not a surprise to anyone in the group when I was assigned to tutor the students who had the most difficulties with Math. It was an opportunity I embraced because it helped me to hone my own intellectual abilities while offering a helping hand to those who needed it.


- What makes me extremely happy and satisfied with my participation in this group is the fact we were able to effect a positive change in the study habits of the students, who eventually went on to pass their Math exams and lower the rate of mass failure in our school community. Through our help, these students have overcome their fear of Math and gone on to also help others who struggle in the subject as a way of paying it forward to the community. As for me, becoming a member of the group helped me overcome my fear of public speaking as I can now stand before anybody and present my ideas coherently and with confidence. So while the organization was meant to help others, I ended up helping others and myself in the process.

You can use my suggestions as a template for your revision or use it in its entirety. I don't mind at all :-)

Vangiespen, Wow, you're amazing. I really appreciate your helping hands. Thank you very much. I really enjoy the modification.

Please can I drop two short responses of ''what my role in my house is'' and ''how my role would be taking care of when I'm not around'' on this thread? It is not an essay as it not grouped under essay but responses to the above questions. Please is my permission granted?

Thank you for the compliments Adeyemi. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to grant any permissions at this forum. I am only a user just like you are :-)What you are asking me to review for you are statements and those statements have been dealt with in this forum in the past. I have seen others post their "statements" in this forum for review though and their posts were allowed and were actually discussed. I have even participated in a few of those "statement" reviews. I suggest that you post those two statements as separate threads in the forum and allow everyone to participate in helping you revise it :-) You can choose to follow the advice that best suits your needs.

Yes I will do that tomorrow by God's grace, as we are over mid night here ;) .

thanks