Hi guys!! Well I still have a few days to finish it, first I'll upload my Short answer of an extracurricular activity and then the Essay.
Check it, any comments/ corrections I'l be thankful :)
Short Answer:
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities in the space below.
Since I was little I loved to sing, and I know this from the stories that my mom and grandparents tell me when I asked: How I was when I was little? They told me that whenever I was playing or in the shower I singed but obviously they didn't understand a thing of what I said.
As I grew up I made different activities, swimming, painting, ballet, volleyball and drawing but I never stopped loving singing. My parents told me I didn't sing very well and often make fun of me, but as I always I didn't care what people think. I continued singing for fun because I believed it's an original way to express, like Hans Christian Andersen once said "When words fail, music speaks".
In middle school I decided to sign up into a Singing School, I studied there for 2 years, knew that my voice was from a soprano and had 3 presentations with my classmates. Before taking these classes I used to be introverted, shy and somewhat closed to people. I was not easy to adapt to new environments, I found myself struggling and had stage fright.
After some months I began to change, I became more open to people, less shy and introverted, I learned not to be afraid of new things, to fight for my dreams and goals, I gained more self confidence, grew up as a person and I thank singing for that.
When I entered High School I dropped my classes and band, because I broke my leg and with school I wasn't able to assist, however I still sing in the school, when I play videogames and anytime that I listen to my mp3 or the radio, any moment is good, it relieves me from stress and relaxes me, it makes me feel unique.
There are a few grammar mistakes here and there, but overall I think you should focus less on how you were as a child and more on how you have developed and how it has made you who you are today. Of a total of five short paragraphs, only two give me insight into how it has affected you today, and neither of them are very deep. Explain how singing has made you less shy, explain how it has helped you gain more confidence.
Hope that's helped a bit.
Good job and good luck!
I tried to cut down on characters by using shorter words because your short answer was above 1,000 characters (If I remember correctly this includes spaces). It's still a bit above the limit.
This is my first time reviewing something and I feel like I'm giving uncertain advice (so please take what I say with a grain of salt), and sorry if this might also seem blunt:
In middle school I decided to enroll in a Singing School and studied there for two years. Before taking these classes I used to be introverted, shy and somewhat closed to people(closed off from people?) . I didn't adapted easily to new environments, I found myself struggling and had stage fright. Months later I began to change; I became more open to people which helped me a lot because I was new inmiddle school and had trouble making new friends and feeling comfortable with myself , it took me six months to adapt (after some months following those six months? I'm confused) . Singing helped me become less shy and introverted be cause I had to sing every class in front of my peersduring each class and had to receive my teachers'(if it's more than one teacher)criticism . It taught me that my shyness wouldn't take me far (take me far in life, maybe?)away and that I had to speak my mind, talk in public and make my voice heard. I met new people that taught me different things(explain what you actually mean) and let me be myself without holding back; I learned not to be afraid of new situationsor environments just because I felt strange and out of place. Sometimes getting out of my comfort zone would benefit me and would teach me to grow as a person. Fighting for my dreams and goals, I gained more self-confidence and I thank singing for that.
Hope this helps!
Thank you so much! I'll short it :)
Could you also read the personal essay? thank you
Done! I've made some corrections, what do you think ?
Is it ok like that or you have any ideas?
I think you're fine and just need a few adjustments in the beginning:
"When words fail, music speaks"; every time I sing, I feel free. It relaxes me and washes away my problems. T his is why, in middle school, I decided to enroll in a s inging s chool. Before taking these classes, I used to be introverted and shy, and I didn't adapt easily to new environments, so I found myself struggling in the beginning. Months later, I began to change.
"...in the shower I singed but..."
"singed" should be "sang"
That was in one of her previous drafts...
Guys can you please check the personal essay please?! It's urgent
Thank you
I like the beginning sentence, it definitely catches the reader's attention. But then when you list all these facts about Mexico, I think you start to lose our attention. You could cut off some of the more literal facts like "Mexico is a country with vast territory and ecosystem diversity, has a large population and the official language is Spanish together with 67 indigenous languages. It's the 10th most visited country in the world thanks to its 31 cultural and natural sites considered world heritage." and focus more on what Mexico means to you personally.
The conclusion is also a little vague and generic. Try showing an example of how you want to embrace other cultures or maybe an anecdote about forging relationships or visiting other countries that made you so open minded.
If you could look at my essay, I'd really appreciate it!
Thank you, I've made the corrections and add some things.
What do you think?
When people heard the word "Mexico" the first thing they think is beaches, pyramids, food, tequila, mariachis, piĂąatas, salsa, poverty, corruption, drugs and drug traffic. Even though these words describe my country, it's just a small part of what it really means Mexico and what it means to be Mexican.
My country cradle two of the most important cultures the Mayans and the Aztecs, dominated by Spain and became the most important viceroyalty. After its independence it suffered from internal wars and foreign invasions and one political party dominated great part of the twentieth century. It's a country with great history, which has formed, along the years, the character of the population. In the eyes of the World is a third world country or a developing one, governed by corruption and mired in poverty except for the tourist attractions.
It's believed that the Mexican is a person with zero desires of working and succeeding, always partying and drinking, as many of the stereotypes shown in the movies. The reality is, that like any country, is not perfect. Wealth is unevenly distributed poverty generates drug traffic, as well as the deficiency of education. There's a lack of development opportunities and support for people. My country needs to change, but the change starts with the people. If you do not fight for what one is responsible of, for his dreams without giving up, won't be a change in the future and things will stay the same or worse.
I want to change the vision that foreign people have of my country, to know that we have a wonderful history and culture, we do not ride donkeys, like any other country we have cars and roads, a large and diverse industry. We are also one of the few countries to have automakers like Volkswagen and soon Audi.
Mexicans are hardworking and struggle to get by, seeks to prepare, no matter the social class to which it belongs, but yet we can't generalize. We are warm people that offer what it has, even if isn't too much, people that are happy for what it has, we celebrate our achievements and learn from our mistakes. We succeed in disgrace and join as a country in good and bad situations.
I'm proud of being Mexican because we have a label that characterizes us; I want to meet people of other countries to show them my country, its people and their point of view. I believe that knowing other cultures different from yours and immerse yourself in their world, you run into a more open view of reality. Cultural change has been important throughout history; thanks to it we learn things that aren't taught in school or in books.
If we can understand different worlds we can avoid our past mistakes and come together for a purpose. I want lo learn new things and have a global vision that might help with getting my country forward and be a generator of change. I want to have this opportunity. Like a quote from the movie Pocahontas "Look at the ripples, so small at first, then look how they grow. But someone has to start them."
It's a country with great history, one which has formed, along the years, the character ofdeveloped along with the population.
Like this?
i like this!!! regardless of any grammar mistake u have a strong concept...
If you do not fight for what one is responsible of, for his dreams without giving up, won't be a change in the future and things will stay the same or become worse.
I didn't read the whole essay but don't use "you" cuz that bad writing :)
and your pronouns should be parallel... you use "you, one, his" in one sentence when you're talking about one person.. right?
