The country I live in has made me a socially conscious person, for it has deprived me from things that I would normally have access to in other parts of the world. The lack of resources Venezuela provides its people with, has taught me to help those who are less privileged than me. As a result from this benevolence, I decided to spend a summer collaborating with people in a country that is known to be underdeveloped. Five weeks in Africa doing community service, and living with a local family in a rural village enriched this attitude I already had, and further increased my awareness about the problems our world now faces. Since the day I arrived, I found myself attached to a girl who I would soon embrace as my little sister, Nayori. Meeting her has been one of the most fulfilling experiences life has given me. It changed my perspective of life, and it highly influenced my personality, making me grow as a person and as a citizen of this world.
Nayori is the happiest person I have ever met; regardless of the fact that she is HIV positive. She was only eight years old when her parents died of AIDS, only eight years old when she became an orphan. Nobody in the village wanted to take her in, and despite her age, she was aware of that. Nevertheless, she soon found a home with my host mother, who took her in as if she were her own child. Two years later, I walked into her life, letting her know that she wasn't alone, even though it was hard for me to imagine being in a position similar to hers. She was so young and so innocent, and despite the fact that she had gone through so much she was still very cheerful. She knew she had AIDS, but this didn't stop her from living her life to the fullest. Most people would not bother living their life in the condition Nayori was in, but this girl was brave enough to do so. The fact that we spoke different languages did not impede the creation of a very powerful connection between us, which later on had a massive effect on me.
Words cannot explain how Nayori has inspired me to be a more positive person, and to look at the world in a different way. Even though she is younger than me, I can say that I look up to her in many aspects. This little girl proved to be HIV positive since the day she was born, and still, having to experience such unfortunate events, at such a young age, didn't encumber her from keeping an optimistic attitude nor from being grateful for the life she had. Never did I imagine that doing what I did this summer would cause such an impact on my life; however, I am happy that this event reached out to me in the way it did. Many may think that experiencing something new for such a short period of time wouldn't make a difference, but I stand assured and allow myself to say that living in such a primitive environment taught me values I wouldn't have been able to get hold off in my society. Meeting Nayori influenced me in many ways, and so I shall always be grateful to her, for she has left a mark on me... a mark that will never fade away.
I'll be honest, because I've had the same criticisms directed at me- an admissions officer will look at this: "another kid visiting an underdeveloped country"
And that hurts- because I know this experience was really rewarding for you. To start out, focus on Nayori. Tell a story- give us some dialogue, let us picture the relationship between the two of you- you say she's innocent- show us her innocence. Don't focus on the primitive environment/underdeveloped nation, I can tell she's the main part of your story.
Best wishes for your college application!
The lack of resources in Venezuela provides its people with, has taught me to help those who are less privileged than me. As a result from of this benevolence, I decided to spend a summer ...
I'll remove a comma here:
Nobody in the village wanted to take her in, and despite her age she was aware of that.
This little girl proved to be HIV positive since the day she was born, and still, having to experience such unfortunate events, at such a young age, didn't encumber her from keeping an optimistic attitude nor from being grateful for the life she had. This sentence is as beautifully written as all your other sentences, but it is getting repetitive at this point. Let's move on instead of repeating the fact that she was optimistic despite her illness.
Never did I imagine that doing what I did this summer would cause such an impact on my life; however, I am happy that this event reached out to me in the way it did. This sentence is not very helpful.
... in such a primitive environment ----let's choose a word other than primitive, because primitive sounds judgmental.
taught me values I wouldn't have been able to get hold off (of?) in my society.
I would like it if you could tell a little how this experience will influence your decisions about a future career. :-)
