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We live in a world of obstacles. ;Personal Statement, Innovation



dsacks 10 / 19  
Dec 29, 2008   #1
We live in a world of obstacles. Fortunately, amidst the energy crisis and epidemics worldwide, new technologies arise to combat what would be the downfalls of society. They are inspired by innovators, those with the intelligence and passion to change the world for the better. They are avid learners, and apply their knowledge to solving the world's problems. I hope that in the future I will use the knowledge I acquire through my studies to become an innovator and pursue such change.

Sophomore year, I was posed with a problem. I could not think of a topic for my Honors Integrated Science project that would later be entered into the Marin County Science Fair. At the time, I found magnetic bullet trains fascinating and wanted to incorporate magnets into my experiment. My father suggested that I use a spinning top, so I decided to combine the two ideas. My experiment tested the effects of magnetism on the motion of a spinning top. My scientific method and conclusions earned my project the grand prize.

This past year in AP Biology, our coursework covered bacteria and viruses. While studying the AIDS virus, we learned that the most effective AIDS medication reduces the virus' ability to replicate by targeting an enzyme that only retroviruses have - reverse transcriptase. Scientists have analyzed the reverse transcriptase enzyme's structure and synthetically created an inhibitor for it, thus decreasing the replication rate. My eyes lit up with this understanding. Scientists combined different sciences - biology and engineering - to create a result that would improve our world. I wanted to be a part of something similar, a project that could dramatically enhance people's lives.

I spent the past summer interning at Stanford University, working for Professor Prinz on the Carnegie Project. The primary goal of this project is to produce a more efficient solar cell using the most advanced technology of our time. From the beginning, my work captivated me. I designed and fabricated the insulation for a scanning device used to measure quantum dots of material. Each day, I would enter the lab earlier and leave later, but my adviser would always be at work before I arrived and after I left. He was an innovator with the project's goal in his sights and would not stray from the path to completion. While I played only a small role, being part of a potentially world-changing project felt incredible. I was helping to change the world and inspired to continue to do so.

skim 2 / 12  
Dec 29, 2008   #2
Wow. You've done a great experiment, I suppose :)

I wish you could add some kind of transition between the body paragraphs.
Nice description of your experiences/details but, I would make it better by giving transition between the paragraphs" for example... "My scientific method and conclustions earned my project the grand prize." And then don't just jump into biology/engineering subject. Maybe you could say "in addtion to ..." before you start second body pragraph?

Well, it's just my idea and style... it could change the meaning of your essay.
:) hope my comment helped though!
OP dsacks 10 / 19  
Dec 29, 2008   #3
Thanks. My transitions are pretty rough.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 30, 2008   #4
During my sophomore year, I was posed with a problem.

From the beginning, my work has captivated me.

. He was an innovator with the project's goal in his sights and would not stray from his path to completion.

I was helping to change the world and am inspired to continue to do so.

Well written, good luck in school!

:)


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