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I've lived in Chatsworth, CA for most of my life; UC ( world you come from)



SydAustralia 1 / 2  
Nov 24, 2013   #1
Dont be afraid to give me pointers. Tell me everything I need to improve this essay :)

Prompt- Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My dreams and aspirations have always been shaped by the good and bad aspects of the world I come from. I've lived in Chatsworth, CA for most of my life and to say the least I've found it somewhat boring. I would go to school each day, pay attention in class and spend half an hour with my friends before it was time to go home. The weekend was dull as well, with the exception of friends coming over. It wasn't until fifth grade when I discovered I had the ability to make my life a little more exciting.

The school library let anyone write their own books and have people check them out. I decided to write a book of my own to see if anyone would want to read it. My first book out of three was called "Poems, Poems, Poems" and it was filled with short rhymes you'd expected from a fifth grader, but what shaped me was how I managed to fill an entire book filled with these poems.

When thinking of topics to write about, I would sit outside during lunch by myself and look at the other children playing. The ladybugs on the ground would crawl on top of the fallen leaves and the tree trunks. Those little things in nature are what inspired me to fill up the entire book. I was immersed in the stories nature would tell, whether it was about an ant carrying a bread crumb three times its size or a leaf falling off a tree branch.

The more I noticed the tiny details, the more I wanted to write and read about other life experiences. Books like Harry Potter and Hoot were my favorites because they lead me to completely different scenarios of living. All these stories were so different and exhilarating.

Even though most of the books I read are works of fiction, they have inspired me in more ways than one. They make me want to visit other places filled with an array of cultures and stories. My life in Chatsworth isn't always the most invigorating but I know I can change that by not limiting where my life can take me. So far I have visited New York, Georgia, Washington D.C., and even China, but I'm not going to stop there. The world is like a book itself, and I intend to read every page of it.

Kalikratia 1 / 8  
Nov 25, 2013   #2
I really liked the conclusion but i feel like the introduction needs some work. I think you can make it so much more engaging,because the rest of the story had my attention, i could even picture a little fifth grader writing millions of poems in a field or something haha. You could use the symbol of the book, as you did in the last sentence, throughout the essay and even include it in the beginning. Maybe start out with pointing out how your world wasnt exciting to you and then include the book, and how it took you to another, more exciting place. Then connect that to your passion of traveling. Just a suggestion. Great job otherwise! (:
dumi 1 / 6793  
Nov 25, 2013   #3
My dreams and aspirations have always been shaped by the good and bad aspects of the world I come from.

Well.... I'm sure you have a strict word count and I don't think this sentence adds much to your essay, yet it consumes your word count. This is an obvious fact and you need to tell things that the admission panel has no idea about.

I've lived in Chatsworth, CA for most of my life and to say the least I've found it somewhat boring

I lived in Chatsworth, CA for most of my life which I found somewhat boring.

The weekend was dull as well, with the exception of friends coming over.

The weekends too were pretty dull.
I don't get the latter part (with the exception of friends coming over) properly :( what do you mean?
deviantzen 1 / 6  
Nov 25, 2013   #4
Too many jumbled ideas. Focus on one example: i.e. the poetry should be fleshed out more and reflected upon more in all portions of the essay.
OP SydAustralia 1 / 2  
Nov 25, 2013   #5
Thank you for the revisions, I really appreciate it. :)


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