They're not perfect yet...and that is exactly why I need you guys' help :)
Anything small/short will be very helpful & criticism is welcomed! Thank you!
Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
With a turkey sandwich in my hand, I sat in front of two African-American girls in the cafeteria. As soon as I took a bite out of the sandwich, one of the girls asked the other, "Who is she?" The other girl glanced at me and shrugged indifferently. Without even glimpsing back at them, I shoved my sandwich in my backpack and left. I wondered around my campus to try to find another seat only to realize that every corner was occupied by a different clique. Soon, I found myself walking into the bathroom. There, hidden in a bathroom stall, I spent the rest of my lunch time. That was my first day in ---- Middle School.
Even before I came to the U.S., I was already accustomed to moving frequently in Korea as I transferred to a different school almost every other year. However, my confidence in believing that moving to the U.S. would be similar to the previous transitions I had in Korea was plunged when I encountered additional changes in my life. As my father got involved in a corporate scandal my parents decided to stay in Korea, leaving me accountable of my own domestic responsibilities and emotional dependence in a foreign country, which I learned to do since 8th grade. My only source of financial and emotional reliance since was my sister, yet it was tremendously different from parental care and love every normal teenager innately desired. Spending most of my time alone at home, I had a pillow as my only acquaintance that allowed me to be vulnerable.
However, I soon discovered such disadvantages of moving so often and not having a clear origin helped me be more aware of my surroundings, such as the different education systems I have experienced and the significance of profound education. Experiencing a variety of schools in Korea, and expanding that diversity further as I moved to the U.S., I was able to easily highlight the struggles that my current school was experiencing-California budget cut. Desiring insightful education, I decided to take a bigger step in impacting my school and the community through working as an office assistant at Alameda Unified School District. As I worked closely with many important offices, I gained more insight on the education systems not only of Alameda High School but also of other schools in the district. Feeling this was insufficient, I also participated in Measure H Campaign for the passing of parcel tax to maintain the school's extra curriculums. After the long campaigning, I was happier than anyone when the parcel tax passed.
Coming from many different places, my aspirations aren't limited but infinite as I always hope to impact further than where I originate from. Experiencing many different triumphs and changes in circumstances, I realized a challenge is another form of an opportunity to inspire the others. I am now confident in walking up to any clique at school; however, instead of dwelling in my conformity, I anticipate more changes as they will bring me unexpected but valuable knowledge and experience.
Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Under a dazzling sun, I ran around doing laundry and making food. Even before I got a chance to wipe off my sweat, I wrote skits in Spanish and coordinated sports activities. During the mission trip in Mexico, my days were spent with the children who parents left behind for work. It was an extremely memorable experience to engage with those children and provide laughter to them despite the language and cultural barrier we had.
Oddly, among the children, Isabella was the only one who never seemed to be involved. She had a messy ponytail, unmatched slippers, and a grumpy face at all times. I made several attempts to talk to her yet she was indifferent towards my entertaining Spanish accent and grammar. As I couldn't triumph over a small challenge of interacting with her, I was frustrated and wanted to simply ignore her. However, as I spent more days with her I began to discover reflections of myself upon her. Living without parents, I knew how it felt like to be lonely. I knew that living in Mexico with both of her parents at work most of the time was as difficult as my own situation back at home. Seeing that my once isolated and disheartened self was mirrored by Isabella, I couldn't disregard her seclusion. With my continuous effort to acquaint myself with her, she finally opened her heart to me.
I still remember the last day in Mexico when Isabella sat on my laps and carefully whispered to my ears as she smiled, "Te amo." Those two words that meant 'I love you' simply made me forget all those awful days and nights in Mexico when I sweat till my shirt got wet and got bitten by bugs till both of my legs were swollen.
The sense of effervescence of Isabella's smile was still cherished even when I came back home. It motivated me to impact the others in my own community the way I impacted the kids in Mexico. Soon, I started volunteering at Kaiser Permanente as a Front Desk Assistant in looking out for Isabella's smile. Even though greeting and assisting people who have lost significant ones in their lives or have been distressed with their own illness was difficult, I still managed to bring a smile back on their faces. Although I started with solely writing guest passes and simply asking people about their days, I knew I can ultimately have a bigger influence in their lives. With this determination, I also realized that profound education was an important step in achieving my goal.
Isabella's smile will continue to be cherished for a long time as I long to do greater work for the society than I've previously accomplished in Mexico and Kaiser. Started with something small, but now eager to expand my experience, I strive prestigious education as I aspire to make people smile in different ways through my career in the future.
I find your first paragraph is very impressive. It creates a very good entrance to your essay.
Some other suggestions;
Even before I came to the U.S., I was already accustomed to moving frequently in Korea as I was transferred from one school to another almost every other year.
However, my confidence in believing that moving to the U.S. would be similar to the previous transitionsexperiences I had in Korea was plunged when I encountered additional changes in my life. As my father got involved in a corporate scandal. my parents decided to stayreturn toin Korea, leaving me accountable of my own domestic responsibilities and emotional dependence in a foreign country, which I learned to do since 8th grade.
I like the beginning of the turkey sandwich essay! It is great imagery. I hope all essayists who visit this thread will notice the effect that it has when you read those words... and your mind responds to the cue to conjure up a mental image of a hand and a turkey sandwich. "Hand" and "turkey sandwich"...these are powerful words!
:-)
Let's look at the opening of the next essay:
Under a dazzling sun, I ran around doing laundry and making food.---Dazzling sun is not as powerful as turkey sandwich, but it is pretty good.
In both essays, the intro begins with good imagery but the first line ends in an uninteresting way. In the first essay, though, the first paragraph becomes brilliant.
In the second essay, the first paragraph is more "generic" because it is not as emotive. Still, it is very well written. But look at this inefficiency:
It was an extremely memorable experience to engage with ...----These words provide no experience for the reader. All of them together are not as powerful as "turkey sandwich." Instead of using "extremely memorable experience," use words that indicate a real, tangible aspect of the memory...
:-) You are a good writer! Thanks, everyone, for making this a great thread.
