"Living within natural and cultural limits" - Stanford- Intellectual Vitality Essay

Hi guys,
I just recently discovered this forum and I'm so glad that there's something out there like this to help with editing.

This is the intellectual vitality essay for Stanford:

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or experience you have that you find intellectually engaging.

In today's modern world, where news is instantaneous, communication is possible with the press of a button, and technology allows us to go where no one has gone before-boundaries take on a whole new realm. Where do human limitations end?

In our thirst for independence, we have tried to define freedom as escape from all limits-but just like complete freedom is a mere aspiration, limitlessness is the human fantasy.

This fantasy perhaps rose from the Industrial Revolution era, when resources were exploited, and now, we are slowly facing the exhaustion of the "limitlessness" of resources. With this mindset, society is slowly becoming embarrassed of anything which doesn't flaunt progress, technology-limitlessness. A simple game of tennis doesn't satisfy our need for exercise anymore; we require sensor technology and a virtual court.

The humanities have been preaching the concept of limits. Greek mythology has been teaching us for ages that with the rise of Oedipus, there is a fall of Icarus. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, a warning against the modern man during the Industrial Revolution, underscores the Promethean myth in which the quest to surpass limits, only leads to self destruction.

What intrigues me about human culture is that we are so focused on succeeding, that we forget about the intangible limits which stop us. As paradoxical as it may be, I believe we are inherently a romantic society, governed by no precincts, yet we lead rational lives. We attempt to live limitlessly, we attempt to achieve limitlessly, and we attempt to sustain limitlessly, but are we really oblivious to the limits we face, or are we just acting ignorant?

The constraint upon us is not the condemnation it may seem. As humans, or earthly creatures, we are innately capable of living not only within natural limits but also within cultural limits. We are only recently realizing the impending threat of limits in the form of global warming and downward economic trends.

There is in no way that we can bring back the trees we've cut down, or sew up the hole in the ozone layer. What we can do, is realize our limits (1800 characters), and do the best we can with them.

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Although my essay talks about my interest in sociology and modern human culture, my future goal is actually to attend med school. Would it be smarter to write an essay which links to my future goals, even though I also have a great interest for the humanities?

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PLEASE EDIT THIS. RIP THE ESSAY APART. I feel that it is a tad ambiguous at times, and I'm not sure if I'm properly answering the prompt.

Any comments are greatly appreciated!

Thank you so much!

I really enjoy reading this - very well written! I don't think it is ambiguous.

However, I think you use short paragraph too much, perhaps you can combine it with others? such as 'limitlessness is human fantasy' and the 'this fantasy is...'

Thanks! I will work on combining the paragraphs (I was actually thinking about that while writing this essay so I'm glad you pointed it out).

Is there anything else that needs to be worked on? Does the essay convey an "intellectually engaging" idea that I have?

(I'm sort of confused about the prompt so I did the best I could to respond to it)

I've made very minor changes; mainly regarding the paragraph size and grammar.
PLEASE EDIT. THANK YOU!

-- Revised --

In today's modern world, where news is instantaneous, communication is possible with the press of a button, and technology allows us to go where no one has gone before-boundaries take on a whole new realm. Where do human limitations end? In our thirst for independence, we have tried to define freedom as escape from all limits-but just like complete freedom is a mere aspiration, limitlessness is the human fantasy.

...

Whoa. I love it. Four thumbs up with my toes. There's no critism for you, my friend. =D

PLEASE read mine:

Thanks. How about some Mods?

Comments?

Honestly this is a very well written essay, there is nothing I can see that clearly needs any changes. It references different eras and works of literature which just adds to the greatness! haha good luck :)

Great essay.
Very good grammar and appropriate diction.
and you chose an interesting topic, one that not many people would, which will make you stand out.

Thanks you. I really appreciate it.

Am I answering the prompt correctly?

I want to make this essay really good, so please point out anything that bothers you, or needs to be fixed.

Once again, thank you guys so much!

--- Re-edited--
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Any constructive criticism is welcome. Thank you.

First off, your essay is by far the best response to this prompt that I have read so far. And I have read many of the ones on this forum. I can only offer a few pieces of criticism for your re-edited draft.

1. ...technology allows us to go where no one has gone before
--could come up with a better way to say this...it sounds like a movie quote

2....society is slowly becoming embarrassed of anything which doesn't flaunt progress, technology- or limitlessness.
--is the dash really necessary?

3....There is in no way that we can bring back the trees we've cut down
--the beginning of this sentence sounds awkward

4....As paradoxical as it may be, I believe we are inherently a romantic society, governed by no precincts, yet we lead rational lives.
--why did you omit this sentence? it would have been brilliant if you developed this idea throughout your essay

5. Overall I think your essay is very well written and deeply insightful. I also think you effectively answered the prompt. but this is just my humble opinion...=)

1. Haha. Yes, I thought that too while writing it but I didn't think it would be that conspicuous. I will change that.

2. Yeah. Does this sound better:
This fantasy perhaps rose from the Industrial Revolution era, when resources were exploited and now, we are slowly facing the exhaustion, rather, limitations of these resources.

3. should I delete the word "in"?

4. Hmmm. I don't think I deleted the sentence in the re edited version. I'll try to incorporate the idea more into the essay, but then again-- 1800 character limit.

5. Thank you. I really appreciate your feedback. :D

Sorry, I misread your #2.


Hmmm. I'm not quite sure. The intent of that was to indicate a pause, because the key theme/word here is limitlessness. Maybe having the -- after "or" will have more of an effect, or perhaps I should just delete the -- altogether.

Let me know what you think.

I don't think the -- is a bad thing. I LOVE using dashes, so I know what effect you're trying to achieve with it. Although dashes are almost always never necessary, in my personal opinion, it adds voice to the paper. I say keep it. But this is coming from a dash-lover, so I don't know how others might think of the dashes.

I love dashes too. Make sure to format it correctly for your final version though. You need an em-dash in this case--a dash that is the width of the letter "m." Some electronic submission forms don't allow you to add an em-dash. Some word processing programs will automatically substitute an em-dash when you type two hyphens, but not all. You can get one using the ALT keys (ALT+0151). Em-dashes can be just a little informal though. There are times when a semicolon works better.

This is a well-written essay, but here are a few of my thoughts as I read it:


Whoa, Nelly. This is a pretty long opening sentence. As written, it feels like it is coming from a mind on two too many Red Bulls. Tightening it just a bit will maintain the thought without the rapid-fire feeling. Try this as a simple rewrite: In the modern world, with instantaneous news and communication possible with the press of a button, technology allows us to go where no one has gone before; boundaries take on a whole new realm.

The word "where" seems to set the reader up for an appositive, but then you delve into a list. I simply changed the sentence so it does use an appositive.


I dunno. I have other fantasies. Most of them involve girl in bikinis, but I digress. Instead of saying "the" human fantasy, I'd change it to "a" human fantasy.


Embarrassed of? Embarrassed by? I can't help but think you have the wrong word here. Is society embarrassed by things that don't flaunt progress? People may own Kindles, but I don;t see society being embarrassed by books.


Omit that comma. Comma use can be a question of style. You like your commas. This comma, however, asks the reader to take a breath in a spot that disrupts the flow.


Instead of "with them," how about "within them?"

Good work. Your essay is an engaging read.

Thank you for your comments.


I understand what you mean, but that's why I used the -- to show that the sentence is coming to a halt, and that the punch line, if you will, is "boundaries take on a whole new realm".

What if I changed the "where" to "in which"; then would I be able to keep the list, and still have that effect, or would it be too cluttered?

Hey,
I loved reading your essay, especially the conclusion because it pretty much sums up your purpose. However, since I am, too, a culprit of misunderstanding the prompt, I'm not quite sure you've answered it completely. You have effectively explained the human tendency to live limitlessly, but you didn't really reflect on yourself and why this is intellectuall engaging for you. It's just a suggestion, I'm not even sure I've interpreted it correctly. Either way, I just think you'd be better off expaining why this is of interest to you..

-Rima :)

This paragraph kind of touches upon what I find engaging. Should I expand on it more? I just... don't know what else to cut out, since mine is practically 1800 characters already.

Overall, I want the adcoms to know that I'm interested socio-dynamics and how modern culture thinks and functions. I have my own little theories, and this is just something I found insightful.

Does the prompt want me to specifically state what I find engaging, and why? Everything that I wrote about in this essay engages me...the overall concept.

Does anyone else have comments on this prompt, and how to approach it in general?

Thank you so much! I'll work on getting another draft up as soon as I can.

No, you're right. I think I didn't look at it closely enough. I don't think it's necessary to elaborate because the overall tone of your essay evokes your sense of passion on this idea. Good work.

After revising it, I felt like it needed some re-organization. I've simply re-ordered the paragraphs. Let me know which version sounds better and flows better.

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PLEASE COMMENT. I'M DESPERATE! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

When I read the first draft of your essay, I did not see eye to eye with the other people who responded to this post. I thought it was bland, cliché and almost pointless. It's like you were trying too hard to strengthen your theme, using lackluster novels and weak references. If I was in admissions, my interest would never have been drawn in, and my eyes would have switched to skim mode. I mean, where is the clincher?

Your last draft is a large improvement. But I believe it is still less than adequate. You begin strong with a question and a purpose, stating the fact that human culture is both a complex and intriguing issue to you. However, the essay falls off from there. You are still trying to connect on too many points in too little words. A thousand pebbles won't break down a castle wall. But one boulder will.

Also, I believe the editing should be done by you and you alone, so I will only guide you in my critique as to what I believe needs fixing. This is an application done by yourself that should be a learning experience about both you and your abilities through reflection. So reflect, and do so struggling.

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Watch your punctuation use. You tend to stretch out your sentences too far, causing them to lose their punch. You may want to drop the "I believe" because this is your personal essay. They will understand it's your opinion. And I know that I already said punctuation... but really watch those commas. They can make things sound great at times, but they can also make your sentences worthless.


CUT YOUR SENTENCES. For example, your first sentence should be something like, "In today's modern world news is instantaneous." Without a mix or short and long sentences, your writing has little to none fluidity. No fluidity means it's harder to read, especially when you're reading hundreds if not thousands of essays. Secondly, there is no need for the question in the middle of your paragraph. You already asked your question which proposed your purpose to this essay. You do make a good point about defining freedom though.


Ah. This paragraph is a comma nightmare. There are almost as many commas in the first sentence as words. Really work on your sentence structure. I like the point about society's embarrassment when things do not exude progress, it's a good touch. Also, I think the tennis sentence is out of place. It's a weird addition to the paragraph and I think there are better examples.


You need to tie these in to other points; you can't just leave them as a separation. Weave. Mix your ideas with your examples to build them up.


This is good.


Link this with the above paragraph. No need to separate. I would use "However, there is..."
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There is a decent amount of work to be done, but it can happen. Spend some time writing new drafts without looking at this one. Compare them, and mix the parts that sound right into a better essay. Trial and error. Eventually, you will find the essay that is not only right for admissions, but right for you. It really isn't about them, but rather your personal self and expression.

One thing I would note- be careful of this essay making you sound less idealistic. Yes, things have limits, but they also have opportunities. And you know what are limitless? OPPORTUNITIES. Because they are limitless, life is limitless. And because life is limitless, there are few things that sit on top of plateaus. Be wary of the personages an essay about your passions may give you (due to your words).

I'm also applying to Stanford early action this year and am in the process writing my essays. I wish you the best of luck in the process. It sounds like your working hard, so keep it up. Don't place your passion in one place though; spread it out to others as well. I made that mistake once and it really took me down when I didn't get what I strived for. In the end though, it makes you a stronger person if you pull through it.

Keep in mind this is my opinion. As you can tell from the other posts, plenty of other people like this essay. However, I think it desperately needs work. As a fellow applicant and someone who has done countless hours of editing writing in the pass, I believe you should rework this essay.

Best of luck.