Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you.
When an opportunity presents itself, I hope that I can identify with it in order to take advantage of it. I was given the opportunity to do missionary work in an orphanage in Nicaragua, regardless of the discomforts, I had to adjust to living in a third world country. I thought the children would be bitter and distressed due to the conditions they were living in. These children wore the same clothes every day and they only had each other to play with. They were abandoned and were not allowed to be adopted due to legal issues. Despite their struggles, they were full of life; they radiated smiles and laughter. Their optimism showed me that under any circumstance, anyone can be happy. I went there to serve their needs without expecting anything in return, but I received a positive perspective of life.
When I arrived home, I found out my parents were separated. Although it was the hardest misfortune I had to accept, and while it could've torn me down, I was grateful and reminded myself of blessings that I have. Instead of asking why an event happened out of my hands or seeking to see the bigger picture, I have faith that it will reveal in its own time. Through my troubles I have molded myself to transform broken things into beautiful. Remembering the humbleness of the children, I know that I can face every challenge by embracing life.
You are a very engaging writer, and I really enjoyed reading your essay. I have a few suggestions that I think may be helpful:
1) You essay talks about two different experiences, but the prompt only asks for one. I can understand that you may have discussed two to go above and beyond, but I think that going into more depth about just one experience would be more beneficial to you. Having worked in a college Admissions office, I would recommend that you go with your experience in Nicaragua. I don't mean to invalidate your experience, I just think that it will help you stand out during the admissions process. They love people with abroad experience!
2) I would choose a theme. You talk about two in this essay: appreciating the blessings you have, and perseverance. In this case, you could choose either one, but I would suggest go with appreciating your blessings and close the theme with a commitment to action (so the theme goes together. Here is an example:
Paragraph one: Explain that, with a background of volunteerism, you are always looking for ways to give back to your community. You were presented got an opportunity to go to on a mission Nicaragua and, never one to let an opportunity pass you by, you decided to go. You didn't know what to expect, but you went with a positive attitude.
Paragraph two: When you arrived, one thing that struck you was the positive attitude of the children, and their ability to radiate positivity in the face of adversity.
Paragraph three: Though you initially went to help the children in the orphanage, they ended up being the one's to help you. You learned to appreciate more of the blessings and privileges in your life. You will bring this openness and willingness to learn from the perspective of others to your undergraduate studies.
I don't know if that's what you were going for, but you want it come full circle, make relevant to your application, and express what action you will take as a result of your experience. It expresses to the admissions counselors that you are a proactive and progressive thinker. Also, I would use the term "developing nation" instead of "third world country," as it is more politically correct.
I don't mean to high-jack your essay, these are merely suggestions. I'm actually in the process of writing my Peace Corps admissions essays, so I'm in essay writing mode right now. It sounds like the mission that you went on had a big impact, and I wish you luck in your future endeavors! :)
No, no I love the suggestions! My goodness thank you!
If you want, you post your revised draft on here so that you can get more feedback :)
Stephanie,
You have the workings -- and the beginning -- of an excellent essay, although it does need some work. I think that you ought to find a central theme for the essay, and expound upon that throughout it. I admire you for having taken the trip there and seeing what the third world really feels like -- living there -- and it's an inspiration to us all. Perhaps you can make that part of the essay -- how you might inspire others to do that same?
Just some thoughts.
Mark
I have another essay that needs revision its called ARTES VIRES MORES,
if you can please take a look at that, it would be quite helpful.
How do these revisions take kayla's comments into account? I didn't feel there was any change between your first and second post.
I do happen to agree that the essay should focus on one experience only - it will significantly strengthen the structure and content.
Not to undermine your second experience, but elaborating on your first one would provide more opportunities to showcase your personality and what you learned from the experience.
In addition, it's important to have a concluding paragraph to show how this will help you with your studies.
I agree that you should stick to one experience, but that is just a suggestion. If you do not feel comfortable doing that, that's alright...but I do think it would make your essay a lot stronger.
they radiated smiles and laughter.
I think it would be nice to modify one of these 2 nouns with an adjective. Either one but not both.
Google this:
imagery words list
That is what you are missing, I think. :-)