LMU supplement essay- REFLECTIONS FROM HER OLDER SELF

I need help with this supplement essay for LMU. I know it's a bit long, but I'm more concerned about the content. I find these prompts to be so mundane, so I was trying to do something a bit original with my response, but then again, maybe I didn't carry that out. Nevertheless, would really appreciate your feedback. Thank you so much!

"So what is the answer to this deep insecurity we all feel? The answer, I think, is to embrace the adventure of becoming deeply, and fully, ourselves. This is what God is really calling us to. It seems like the riskiest of all journeys, this journey to be oneself. But it's ultimately the journey that leads us to happiness, that leads us into God's dreams for us.'' Why do you think Fr. Lawton says the ''journey to be oneself'' seems the riskiest of all journeys? What risks lie ahead in your college career as you embark on the ''adventure''of discovering and becoming yourself?

REFLECTIONS FROM HER OLDER SELF
She gazes back with a childlike smirk and a hint of solace, and thinks...she thinks of the comical antics, unfathomable risks, and incredulous situations that brought her to where she is, and who she is today. Thinking of the concepts that seemed to conflict and contradict each other, of the tensions that increased between making the right decisions and stepping away from the stock model of life choices...she stops noting the rest of her countless memories to realize that she's content. Content with her adventure of self-discovery and the risks she has taken- all of which have solidified her character.

But as she continues to reminisce, her smirk dissipates, and she starts to purse her lips. This self-searching journey wasn't always sport victories and campfire songs: she finds herself returning to a different place in time, a time in her life where she was vacant and insecure- where nothing in the world could make her emptiness go away. She felt frustrated to say the least. Her irritability remained unhidden, her scowl unmasked. While she could usually hide her frustrations and insecurities with a simple smile, there was no way of doing so now. She felt too frustrated, too anxious, too disgusted at everything and everyone around her. It's amazing; scary actually, how her feelings and emotions could turn on her- taking her self-worth and confidence- and turn it into self loathing deplore. But it's all of these sentiments- the harrowing lows as well as the euphoric highs that she likes to call the riskiest but the most essential adventure. It's learning to embrace the voyage that these conflicting, at times overwhelming emotions can bring.

She remembers the bittersweet moments attached to her high school graduation; memories still palpable, she is reminded of the same anxiety she had felt then- the uncertainty of the next phase in her life where what was once concrete became imperceptible. She recalls her parents pushing her to take chances in life: to challenge herself, and to push the envelope, to question the norm, and to walk away from the familiar and comfortable into a world of uncertainty and challenge.

Going through her mind are flashes of the misconstrued and winding path that brought her to college, where she was given the tools to nurture her will and transform it into a priceless asset. Enrolling at LMU was yet another decision on her life journey that created the familiar tension that always comes with the daunting task at hand: as with any risk, there is always a fear of the unknown. But despite such fears, she also knew that the long term value of accelerating to finish her education was able to settle any apprehension. And with that, she recalls her mindset upon applying to LMU.

At LMU, she wanted not to be bound by the traditional choices of courses, new friends, and uncertain career paths that so many incoming freshman face. Having spent two years at a different university she had already made this difficult part of life's journey: the trek towards solidifying educational goals and career paths. And now sure of where she wanted to take her academic and work future, she knew that transferring to LMU would help her see her educational and occupational goals through. In spite of the tensions and concerns of veering away from the norm, she nods approvingly of the conclusions she had come to regarding the completion of her college education. With the unconditional support of her parents and the comforting guidance that God had offered her, she knew that her choices, while unconventional, had left her with two distinct advantages: the rich experiences of challenging her insecurities and beliefs, as well learning the priceless lesson of how to balance expectations and not taking the normal route. She recalls how critical her choices were in order to fulfill her potential, and she understood that the remaining risks would be much more manageable- revolving around taking the appropriate courses and pushing herself academically to establish the proper direction toward her career path.

She marvels at her tenacity and takes pride in her joie de vivre. She held natural finesse in whatever she put her mind to; but she never wanted to be a jack of all trades. She wanted to be a master of a few skills. Her natural aptitude could get the best of her at times, wanting to excel in everything she tried, but what she had ultimately learned through her college experience, was that it was commendable to want to excel at those things she was most passionate about, rather than hold her own at everything she showed potential in. She is satisfied with the ideas she chose to give credence to, and proud of the risks she's taken: for it is the risks we take that will forever define us.

You see, this life of hers was no Sunday joy ride- that's never what she's expected, and never what she's wanted. Her life has been a meticulous harmony of insecurities and conviction, of pretension and humility. There is not one process in this world that is entirely fluid; especially that of finding oneself. To wish for seamless transitions and accomplishments is nothing more than a letter to Santa Claus- a naïve correspondence that will never be returned. There is no lesson to be learned with steady transitions, for that is not the purpose of life. It is the conflict and the risks and the detours of life that become the essential component in defining who we really are. She knows this, and with that, she smiles, never forgetting the words of Christ who says that "he who loses himself finds himself." She will never shun at her mistakes or the wreckage of her past, nor will she ever shake her head disapprovingly at the skewed and unconventional route that brought her to where she is now; for she knows that having truly lost herself was the only direction to take towards genuinely finding herself.

Our reality and our conclusions are continuous and changing. There are facets of ourselves that can be changed, manipulated, and altered. Yet our souls are what transgress the dynamics of existence and are forever unchangeable. Our souls are perfect and pious, and what we so often forget is that Christ lets us know, "the risk in the desire to affirm oneself is recognizing that everything has already been given to us." We need not subjugate ourselves to the erratic and unoriginal beliefs of others, we need to understand our potential and choose the truths we wish to live by. For only when we accept our shortcomings, and set aside our insecurities, do we discover the creator within ourselves, and are able to exist in the proper manifestation of our will. But this can only be done if we are willing to take those risks that will bring us to personal discovery.

She lets out a familiar sigh and she thinks...she thinks of the comfort she holds in who she is, her persistent fight to make a place for herself, and the beauty she's found in every chance she's taken. There are those who follow the spirit within themselves, and she is one of them. She has trudged the road to happy destiny, and she lives within her own truth. She has accepted herself whether it means going with or against the systems. You see, her path, was not nor will it ever be a public path. This is her route to internal understanding and security. As she reaches the end of her trail, where the footsteps of her college experience are waiting to be made, she sees the path she's already proudly traversed. Where she always welcomed the unknown and uncertain. She never believed in treading lightly, for to tread lightly is to doubt the dreams God has intended for us. While she fearlessly trekked wherever she went, she always did so with the utmost reverence and grace. And with the motivation and eagerness she holds, she intends to walk with the same assurance that will soon bring her a rich and completed college education and a stronger understanding of herself.

Just want some advice; it's to transfer so I want to have a strong writing piece. Thanks!

I like the originality. As you say, these prompts can lead to dull essays. This will certainly stand out from the crowd.

It feels a bit "overwritten" to me, though... as if you are trying a bit too hard to show off your writing skills. At times it becomes dull because you use the same sentence structure throughout -- long sentences filled with sequential clauses. Over time, this has a lulling effect on the reader.

So, my advise would be to be more parsimonious with the long, flowing sentences and to make the piece more readable and interesting by also including short, sharp sentences that go right to the point.

This is something I haven't seen too much of on this forum -- "overwriting." It is difficult to pin down just what that term means, but in this case, I'd say that you are focusing too much on trying to describe abstract, emotional states. You add enough adjectives and strong vocabulary to your descriptions that it isn't immediately obvious why the writing doesn't work that well, but in the end, the specific is better than the general, the concrete than the abstract, no matter how beautifully you dress up your abstract, general ideas. Show your protagonists' feelings in her actions, her body language, her speech, rather than telling us about them. "Show, don't tell," lacks the eloquence of long, sinuous sentences bedecked with glittering adjectives and studded with well-chosen, polished nouns, but it remains good advice, nevertheless.

I see what you all mean about overwriting. While the grammar is solid and the word choices are strong, the essay seems redundant in spots.

It reminds me of Irène Némirovsky's Suite Française. She wrote the book and then died before she finished it. I felt like the book, in places at least, read more like Ms. Némirovsky's unfinished notes-like there were lists of ideas and she hadn't settled on one yet.


This is one of those sentences in your essay that leaves me feeling that way. It is like you couldn't decide whether to say that she was vacant and insecure or that nothing in the world could make her emptiness go away. It would be less circuitous to use one or the other.


Same thing here . . . Did the parents push her to take chances, or to challenge herself, or to push the envelope, or to question the norm, or to walk away from the familiar and comfortable into a world of uncertainty and challenge . . . any one of those would have been enough to stand on, but when put all together, it reads like an awful lot of pushing into foreign realms-that poor abused girl!

There are some words that you use quite often . . . risk/riskiest-13 times, path/s-7 times.

You talk a lot of taking risks, unconventional roads, the unexpected, and being lost. Call me a naive kid, but isn't graduating from high school and then going on to college a prettynormal life path? Granted, it isn't the route that everyone takes, but I don't see it as being fraught with risk. The strong vocabulary evokes emotion, but that much emotion seems out of proportion with the situation. Instead of applying for university, it reads like the protagonist is being exiled to a deserted island. I feel like I am being set up to read about some life challenge or great tragedy only to find that I am no closer to knowing the person that when I began reading. What are they looking for here (besides a piece that showcases your writing ability)?

It is difficult to give advice on an essay of this nature when everything, technically speaking, is just fine. I am sorry if I come across as a snot, but I think that this essay could be improved. I'd let it be a little more revealing, shorten some of the sentences to omit the redundant (and to provide more sentence variety), and lighten up the mood so that it isn't so oppressive.

Ah, Eric, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, now: you really should consider becoming an official contributor to this site -- your advice is always excellent and detailed beyond what anyone would reasonably expect of a student doing this on his own time. If you insist on remaining just another poster, at least allow me to express my deep appreciation of your intelligence and insight. Whenever I log on, I am always glad to see a thread in which you are listed as the latest poster.

I second that emotion!