Hi!
I am a prospective transfer applicant from a lac. Please critique my essay objectively. I would really appreciate your help and critique you back.
Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?
Coming from a long line of merchants and businessmen, I was enticed by the idea of venturing into business from a young age. I recall living over a surgical instruments' factory for the first 10 years of my life. From home, I witnessed not just the manufacturing end of the business but the decision-making part(AS WELL. instead of too)It was the latter that affected me(TAKE OUT THE)more. Seeing my father managing the laborers, going over the accounts, treating to the customers' demands and doing an endless list of tasks(, THIS)made me realize how big a part of his life business was. The animation and energy excited me so much that when I turned eleven, I asked him to hire me. As expected by every(ONE,)he laughed at me and tried to put me off on the pretext that I was too naďve for something as serious as business. I asked him to just let(ME)shadow him at his workplace;(SEMI COLON HERE) He agreed(TAKE OUT to that)and since then(NO COMMA NEEDED)I have moved several levels up the organizational structure from an "intern" to a sales representative. I have had my share of arguments with him over ethical concerns, application of innovations and his autocratic leadership style but his experience always over-ruled my judgments. My interest in business was further honed in high school as I took on business-oriented classes which exposed me to complex business ideas and concepts of the globalised world. It was the financial and economics side of the game that I liked the most. My internship experiences at two of my hometown's leading firms allowed me to further develop my two interests and learn from their application.
Coming to college has affected my perspective alot and made me realize what I want to do after graduation. It has opened me up to new options as I have become more receptive to experimentation. It has broadened my interpretation of college-experience. My academic interests which I formerly considered "too specialized" now seem a broad field to me in which I can fulfill my goals. I have found a concrete path for myself. I want to explore my academic interests fully in college and then venture into Public Policy or Economics post-graduation. I feel that the diverse experience of business offered by Wharton School is the right fit for me as it has everything that I want to study and explore from business policy to finance, from opportunities of cross-majoring and cross-minoring at other UPenn colleges to a plethora of extra-curricular activities that I want to engage in.
Academically, Wharton has everything that I want to explore. I want to major in Accounting or Business Policy with a possibility of a double-major in Economics and a minor in Mathematics. I might also end up submatriculating into Wharton's doctoral program. The variety of courses being offered would give me a holistic education and not just limit my horizon to the so-called "specialized" field of business. I would like to continue my study of Spanish at the College of Arts and Sciences. I firmly believe that business is something that affects our daily lives and its meaning and breadth should not be confined to the likes of economics and accounting. Policy-making, government and even languages are an integral part of it. For instance, becoming an adept Spanish-speaker would allow me to communicate in a different social-setting. By taking classes at other colleges of the University, my understanding of the world around me would be enriched and varied.
Beyond the classroom experience, I want to engage in the co-curricular opportunities offered at Wharton School. In particular, I would like to participate in Social Impact Research Experience (SIRE). This program appeals me because of its socially-beneficial nature. I would like to ( delve NOT SURE WHAT THIS WORD IS TO BE JUST POINTING IT OUT INCASE IT'S SPELLED WRONG) in microfinance, economic development or sustainability and how they can be used to benefit not just the businesses but also the global community. Another program that really interests me is the social-impact-themed Wharton International Program (WIP). Even though I missed it as a freshman, if things work out, I would love to go abroad as a sophomore. It would be a globalised experience for me to see how business is conducted in other countries and how social practices vary from country-to-country. Being a liberal progressive, clubs including Penn Microfinance Club, Wharton Women and Penn International Business Volunteers really interest me. I would like to be a part of their numerous community-directed ventures.
The diverse community life of UPenn would give me a multi-faceted educational experience. Even though I have missed out on numerous traditions including Economics Scream and the Amazing Cohort Race, I would love to be a part of Sophomore Celebration and other post-freshman year traditions.
a lot...Two words, not one: a lot and made me realize...
what I want to do after graduation.
Thanks, Scott, for all the help you have been giving people!
Maheen, I think you wrote this very well, and your vitality is reflected in the writing style. It's enjoyable to read because of the enthusiasm you express. I think, though, that you can get even more specific about your goals... especially short term goals, and goals that you are currently achieving. Show that you are making a lot of plans based on your values, which can be expressed in a THEME for this essay. At the beginning and end, can you share a concept that helps the reader to remember you? Maybe it will be a concept that represents the main idea of your approach to being a professional: public policy, econ., business, math... what concept connects these all together for you?
:-)
