This is for the University of Pennsylvania Supplement essay, it asks you the question below. Could anyone state if i stayed relevant to the topic on hand? thanks, quick answers will be appreciated
Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?
I quickly take my seat amongst the crowd of chattering students. Having some time off in the Houston Hall can really make you lose track of time, I was nearly late for my English class. Majoring in English was my choice due to my grand love for books since I was a small child. Reading books such as Harry Potter over and over were commonplace for me, I'd often rush to my local library on weekends to check out books just to speed read them within hours and hurry back to get another bunch.
As we discuss our latest literature techniques and styles, I remember that I had forgotten some important notes for my Music major as well. My second class was chosen due to my attraction to the guitar and piano. At the ripe age of eight I was exposed to the piano, it was at that particular moment that I began my long lasting dislike of the instrument. I was constantly forced to practice it by my well-meaning parents who believed that I would appreciate their futile efforts when I was mature. Even as I grew older and became better at playing it, I never managed to turn my dislike into a hot passion. I proceeded to abandon my piano lessons, and never think about it again. It was not until I was fourteen that I decided to return to the instrument, as I began to remember my basic lessons a certain feeling was born. Strangely enough, I began making music and enjoying it, the effect of this leading to me starting the guitar. After this sudden appearance of a long lost passion, I realized that music and literature were on equal priority to me. When I was confronted to choose my classes, the answer was simple, a double major.
Drawing has also been a favorite hobby of mine, while not on the same extent as music or literature; it interested me enough to transfer anything that suddenly popped into my chaotic mind to paper. I would often practice sketching for an hour or two, tracing my hand shape and size onto my loose-leaf notebook. While my paper suffered heavy markings and mess-ups, my drawings would come out in a satisfying manner. I can clearly see a third option, the Fine arts. As a accompanying minor, I'd say it would further expand my majors.
Basketball, being the second most popular sport in the world has won my heart. Watching spectacular replays on sites such as Youtube is a major part of my daily Internet surfing routine. Watching Michael Jordon make his famous shot over Craig Ehlo to win the 1989 Eastern conference playoffs 101-100 makes my heart race like no other sport. That's why I will be taking basketball as a varsity sport, making it clear that someday I would want to make a shot just like the greatest basketball player of all time. My interests are vast and general, I enjoy a little of everything, mostly because I feel that if I were to occupy my mind on one thing it would close it completely to any other choices. I reflect on these things as I lie wide awake in my bed, just reflecting about how great it is to be given a chance to be as diverse as I want to be.
any grammatical feed back will welcomed as well!
Overall, you answered the prompt clearly. However, I would be more specific. You can participate in music, art, literature, and sport activities at every college. Why is UPenn special? What qualities does UPenn have that will allow you to grow in these areas?
amongst the crowd---I am not sure if this is okay.
This is okay: amongst the chattering students.
But I don't know if you can be amongst a crowd (i.e. singular noun). Anyway, it is alright, I think. It just did not sound right, but I think it is not really an error.
The verb tense is messed up here:
As we discuss our latest literature techniques and styles, I remember that I
had have forgotten some important notes for my Music major as well.
But actually, "remember that I have forgotten" is kind of strange. It is better to do this: ...realize that I have forgotten..."
My interests are vast and general; I enjoy a little of everything, mostly because I feel that if I were to occupy my mind
on with only one thing it would close it completely to any other choices.
Whenever possible, replace the word "things" with a stronger word!