Hello,
My name is Taylor Summers, I am currently a sophomore at Texas State University who is trying to transfer to UT Austin next fall. I have had a lot of stuff going on which has unfortunately left me to do my application work very last minute, I know the deadline is March 1st for transfers, only 10 days away. I just wanted to get some feedback and positive criticism to my Statement of Purpose, any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Here is my essay:
Throughout my entire life, I have been affiliated or involved in some way with
the world of sports. From basketball, football, and even soccer and baseball,
the desire to compete and have fun in all of these different fields has become
my way of life. The adrenaline rush that comes with playing these sports is
something that I can't put into words; when I am in the zone and competing with
all of my might, there honestly is nothing better than that. This is what has
led me to desire and long to be a Sport Management major at the University of
Texas. Everyone has a purpose in this world, and I know that this is my
calling. I know I can prove it to everyone because with my desire and
motivation that I have in playing the sports that I love, I can also do the
same in something even bigger being involved in the sporting world, and to show
others the passion that I have for sports. I want to show that through my past
academic experience and my never ending love for sports that I am capable of
doing the thing that I love and know best.
Since I am trying to transfer, I would like to describe my academic background
that I have experienced so far. I am coming from Texas State University from
the town of San Marcos, which I have attended since the Fall of 2007. To be
honest, I applied here because coming out of high school I was afraid of
rejection that I would not be able to get into UT, and decided that Texas State
would be a relatively okay alternative. My mission was to be able to gain some
ground on what I wanted to do with my life down here, and I felt the best way
of accomplishing that was applying to the McCoy Business School, which I got
into and are currently in now. But going into this last fall semester, things
just did not feel right. I have never felt comfortable down here in San Marcos,
and I always found myself going to Austin whenever the opportunity rose. Austin
is the town I was born and raised in, but it is even more than that. I have
such a connection with this town that it has become a part of me and who I am
as a person. With all of that being said, it eventually got me doing some
research to find my true purpose in life, and I stumbled across this Sport
Management major that is offered here at UT Austin. As soon as I began reading
all of the details that this major has to offer, I instantly knew that this is
what I am supposed to do. It is exactly what I want to do, something that Texas
State does not offer. Even though my ultimate goal is to officially become a
longhorn and to major in Sport Management, I will always treasure my time here
as a bobcat down at Texas State, because it has helped mold me into the person
I am today, and is a part of my journey of what I ultimately want to become.
Once I learned that majoring in Sport Management is what I ultimately wanted to
do with my life, I had to decide where I wanted to study this, and my first and
only choice was a no-brainer being the University of Austin. Not only is this
program one of the most prestigious in the country, this university has a vast
and rich tradition in their respected sporting programs. I remember growing up
in Austin always going to UT basketball games and baseball games, and seeing
the entire students and fans root for the Longhorns nonstop. I also remember a
few years back of the magical season that the UT Longhorns football team had en
route to a national championship. Simple things like this are what I personally
live for. Living in the moment and following these teams with a passion and
seeing them succeed is such a great feeling, and I believe that if I am a part
of this great tradition that the University of Texas proudly holds would be of
course an honor to me and to this University as well. I believe with my hard
work and dedication I can work with a program like this or hopefully another
because I exult a love for sports that is undeniable.
If I am able to major in Sport Management, I want to be able to do it
specifically in the sport of basketball. It could honestly be anything related
to the sport, as long as I am involved one way or the other, I will be happy
with what I am doing day to day. Basketball has always been my first love, and
has always something I can rely on when other things are not. I know if I have
had a bad day with school or family or whatever, that I can always go take my
ball and just shoot hoops for however long that I need to. Basketball is a
funny sport in this regard because a person does not need to have somebody else
to play with to make it work, which to me is the beauty of it. To me personally
it allows me to ease my mind and also to put things in perspective; it is in a
way my temporary escape from reality. This would have to be the main reason why
not only do I need this program, but this program also needs me. I am willing
to prove to anyone and everyone that I am more than capable of succeeding in
the Sport Management world. The love and passion that I have for the sport of
basketball is something that I want to show to others someday, whether it be
working with a minor or major league team, or even teaching the game to a
younger generation, it does not matter, because I know going into work each and
every day I will know that this program has allowed me to live out my dream and
to make it a reality.
I know that people write these Statement's of Purpose for many similar reasons,
but I want this to show to whoever reads this that this one is different. I am
willing to do whatever it takes to get into this Sport Management program and
into this University, because I know that this is where I am suppose to be and
this is what I want to do. Both of these will in the end be the best
opportunity to allow me to achieve my ultimate goals of being a part of the
sports world and becoming successful. I have had a lot of ups and downs
throughout my life, with that be with my previous education and growing up in
Austin as well. But I know that being at this University is where I need to be
to make this world a better place, and would be the greatest thing to ever
happen to me.
Say everything you have said here, but do so in about half the word count, and you'll have a strong essay.
You can start by cutting out sentences such as these:
"Since I am trying to transfer, I would like to describe my academic background that I have experienced so far. " The admissions officers know that they are reading an admissions essay.
"I know that people write these Statement's of Purpose for many similar reasons, but I want this to show to whoever reads this that this one is different. " Then show that. Otherwise, why mention it?
It's not about meeting their word count restrictions. It's about efficiency! Like a boxer throwing many punches but landing only a few, you use more words and sentences than necessary. We all do, so we need to chop some during revision. Look what I found for you:
Throughout my entire life, I have been affiliated or involved in some way with
the world of sports. From basketball, football, and even soccer and baseball,
the desire to compete and have fun in all of these different fields has become
my way of life. The adrenaline rush that comes with playing these sports is
something that I can't put into words. When I am...
How is THAT for a powerful start to an essay. Just like when you want to kick a soccer ball far, you need to get it rolling a little first and then kick it, you need to get the essay rolling and suddenly you come up with a powerful sentence like the one about the adrenaline rush.
As you refine this, think about the trip you are taking the reader on.
"It's not about meeting their word count restrictions. It's about efficiency!" Exactly! It's about developing a concise style that keeps the reader interested. If you find that after revision, you have room to write more, you can add in more specific details to illustrate your points, or expand on some of your ideas that you feel need more development. But don't just write to fill up space. Say what you want to say as well as you know how to say it, then stop. If you do that, the admissions officers will be grateful, whatever the length is.
