I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay

The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

It might sound so silly, But who would believe that my grandfathers - The great pharaohs - were great scientists of Astronomy who built the pyramids according to Orion constellations and we -Egyptians- today care about any other thing but Astronomy! That word that sounds like a beautiful composition called "Astronomy" which describes brilliant, colorful and inconceivable things surfing the universe, would break me to pieces.

So, for an astronomy-obsessed person like me, I am used to exploiting anything related to the most thing I am passion about. So, Once before, my eyes fell on an event called "NASA Space Apps" It is an event presented by NASA where it releases challenges every year so that the ordinary people shall show their creativity and solve them just in 48 hours! Missing a chance like this would be such an awful nightmare for me! Well, I have faced some struggles, but anyway, after going over them, I created a team of 3 senior Electrical Engineers I met online. We have talked a lot about the event and the challenge, and I guess they saw the passion and the knowledge I had, and for so, they nominated me to lead the team, and it was my honor!

Going over getting acceptance from parents for going, ALONE!, preparing for weeks and finally, reaching the desired place where the event is held. The event started so as we starting the hard work for consecutive 48 hours. One of the most memorable things happened was that I met "Mohamed Sallam" the only Arab and Egyptian person nominated to be an astronaut for Mars One trip on 2026. He was able to remember me through our online conversations we had. He worked with me on my project, and I can never forget how grateful it was working with such knowledgeable person that has the passion for exactly common things.

He gave me the required motivation and It was my turn to make the presentation in front of the judges. I had the ability to introduce seven applications added to the space suit going to planet Mars and ultimately explain them in just FOUR MINUTES! Surprisingly, Mr. Mohamed was watching.

The moment of truth came, That moment of hearing that we have had no position was so shocking and dramatic. It was so hard to believe that all of this was not good enough. Well, I have to say that I got a bit relaxed after knowing that the team which won in our challenge, had only one idea similar -If not even lesser- to one of ours. When we asked about refusing our seven applications and accepting only one, the answer was "They have applied it on hardware." So, maybe the reason of my failure was the lack of resources which I -unfortunately- had no money to buy, and the organizers could not provide!

In the end, Actually, nobody is a loser! No one loses everything! Yes, I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things! I gained an excess amount of self-confidence, teamwork experience and most importantly knowledge! I have earned the confidence of me passing through the right path in addition to a certificate of recognition for my participation! I have lost a medal, but I have earned working personally with my hero and my champ, Mr. Mohamed. In addition to the words he said after the competition. These words which will never detach my ears. "I wanted to tell you, your presentation was great, I took pics on my phone for all of your slides. Also, you are a very talented speaker keep it up and don't mind the judging, they know very little about space, let nothing stop you. You had charisma, and you were very organized. I get inspired by people like you, so don't ever stop, You are a winner to me."

Thanks a lot, Please reply me as fast as possible as my deadline is tomorrow.

Ehab, the essay is good enough for your application. It is really lighthearted reading that engages the reader and entices him to keep on reading. Just to find out what the point and ending of your story is. Speaking of the point of your story, you should think about revising the introduction to become shorter and more related to your experience. There is no need to offer the reviewer a history story about Egypt and astronomy. Unlike me, an ordinary reader, the reviewer can only offer you a few minutes of his time to review your essay. So your opening statement should be a killer statement, that relates directly to your narrative. Don't waste his time, just get to the point as soon as you can. You can start with 'For an astronomy obsessed person like me..." instead. This takes the reviewer directly into your narration without skipping a beat. By the way, don't use all caps and exclamation points in your essay. That is considered rude in academic settings and could make the reviewer think that you are shouting at him. Just keep it simple. You will be better appreciated for it.

@Holt
Thanks a lot for replying.
I've edited the exclamation marks and the capitalization.
But, do you think this is enough for impressing the reviewer and making him continue reading?: For an astronomy-obsessed person like me, I am used to exploiting anything related to the most thing I am passion about. That word that sounds like a beautiful composition called "Astronomy" which describes brilliant, colorful and inconceivable things surfing the universe, would break me to pieces. So, Once before, my eyes fell on an event called "NASA Space Apps"

Any other thing you think I need to edit or add?

Ehab, you can make the opening statement sound more interesting and engrossing if you wish to. You can make simple adjustments to the paragraph presentation that should help to excite the reviewer upon reading the paragraph. My suggestion is that you revise your opening statement to something similar to the following:

Each night, I would gaze up at the starlit sky and wonder why those burning rocks were so out of reach. Wasn't there anything I could to reach it from Earth? Save for joining the Mars mission, I knew that I had a piped dream when it came to my ability to achieve milestones in space. Then, one night, as I gazed at the NASA website on my tablet from the comfort my front yard, the stars seemed to have handed me the answer to fulfilling my dreams. Across the screen were the words " NASA Space Apps"...

Such an adjustment to the opening statement would help to shorten the reading requirement before getting to the point in your essay. It will bring the contest upfront and allow you to move immediately to the relevant information and discussion based on the prompt requirements.

@Holt
WOW, this was great!
Can I please include it in my essay?

Go right ahead and use it. I won't mind at all. Just remember that you will need to adjust the rest of the paragraph to better fit the new sentences that you will be adding. If you can, try to insert some of your own words into the paragraph. You can opt to reword the current paragraph that you have to better merge with the statement I wrote for you. Try to include some sentiments about astronomy and information about the question that you answered as part of the contest. It just occurred to me that you were not able to include that question in the essay. Since you won your division, you should be sure to include the question and a summary of the solution your team developed. That way the reviewer will be able to judge for himself if you truly had a winning chance and only failed on a technicality or not. It just might help your essay if we slant that part of of your statement in a particular way.

@Holt
Excuse me, which question specifically are you talking about?

Ehab, you made mention of the fact that the NASA website has a portion called "NASA Space Apps" which is designed to pose questions that participants have to respond to within 48 hours right? That is the question I am talking about having you add to the essay. After all, you indicated that you joined the competition with some other engineers as a team. So what was the problem you were working on? What was the solution that took all of 4 minutes to create? The response to these questions will help you better explain the part that you lost just because your response was theoretical and the other team was theoretical and hardware in response. That makes the failure clearer and conditional. It appears that you lost simply on a technicality. I hope I was able to explain the question and the guide questions clearly to you. Please don't hesitate to ask if you need further clarification.

@Holt
Great, I'll work on it and post it for a final check from you.
Also, Can I post another essay I need you to check it ... It will mean a lot..

@Holt
Can I please have your Email.... It's so urgent ... my deadline is tomorrow

Ehab, I am sorry but I cannot give you my email address. That is against the rules of the forum. I will be more than happy to help you out with your essay here at the forum anytime though. Don't waste any time, just post the essay here right now. I will wait for your new post. We can work on the essay here together. What is the problem with your essay? Is the essay problem related to this existing one or will you have to start a new thread? I'm going to be online for quite a bit of time so now would be the best time for you to get that essay to me. Just tell me what the problem is and I will do my best to help you sort it out. It should not be difficult to do if we work together immediately. I'll be waiting for your essay. Post it as soon as you can.

@Holt Here's the Essay after editing. Talking about what I feel wrong is that I feel there're not many good expressions or skillful vocabulary words that I think all of my competitors will have in their essays. I just need to make the reviewer fascinated by the maturity and knowledge reflected in my essay. As well as if my essay cover all the points that should be covered. I've described the challenge as you suggested, but what else could be missing. I'm freaking out since my deadline is tomorrow...

For an astronomy-obsessed person like me, Each night, I would gaze up at the starlit sky and wonder why those burning rocks were so out of reach. Wasn't there anything I could do to reach it from Earth? I knew that I was just dreaming ...

Ehab, don't concentrate so much on Mr. Mohamed in your essay. He has become the central figure of this essay rather than you and the lesson that you learned. That is a prompt deviation and you will be penalized for it by the reviewer. I can understand your excitement at meeting your hero and getting to work with him somehow, and even, have him offer encouraging words after you lost. However, that is not the prompt requirement. You are supposed to only discuss the relevant information which can display how you learned from your failure. The lesson you learned from failure is clear. The way that you explained how this failure taught you that there are no real losers is something that can resonate with the reviewer, provided that you remove the attention grabbing mentions of Mr. Mohamed in the essay. Never allow the focus of the essay to be removed from you unless it is specified in the prompt. So, you will need to revise the content and presentation of this essay. That is, if you won't mind.

@Holt
I'm so confused, I feel his words like can give the reviewer a background of how I have skills and how passionate I am for science.

and If i removed this part from my essay, I'll need to write again which is something I can't do at all now since I've been awake for 3 days to finish this.

If you have any ideas or sentences, please don't hesitate writing them..

The thing is, if you keep his words in the essay, then you are name dropping someone whom you hope the reviewer will be familiar with. That is known as influencing the reviewer. Now, if the reviewer is familiar with Mr. Mohamed, then you are in luck. If he isn't, then you just wasted your word count. Always aim to get the attention of your reviewer using the merits of your own application. The essay is not the only consideration that is used when looking at your application. Your transcript of records will also speak on your behalf. That can actually help you show off your keen interest in science far better than the words of an unknown person. Also, your essay was strong enough even without referring to him because your failure aspect was very clear and the lessons you learned were more than adequate to help with your application.

You need a fresh set of eyes to look at and consider the written work you have here. Staying awake for 3 days to write essays will not do you any good. The essays you will be writing will be far inferior to the ones you could have written after getting adequate sleep. Tell you what, try to take a power nap. Try to sleep for at least 4 hours, then come back and read all the essays that you wrote. I bet that your rested brain will be able to show you some areas for improvement and you will have calmed down enough to have considered some logical changes to the essay.

@Holt
What's your suggestions instead of his words... I can remove most of his words, but I won't do so before having something more powerful to put instead... so what do you think would be more powerful?

Discuss more about the failure to win the competition. Present the hope you felt after learning you failed to win the competition. Bring the reviewer into your mindset at that time. Were you angry at the results? What did you feel after the results were released. Talk about how that failure helped you to get to know yourself better. I cannot write that part for you because I do not know what and how things transpired at that time for you. You can keep the mention of Mr. Mohamed provided you just mention him as your idol and then don't mention him again until after the loss where he gives you a pep talk. Just always keep the essay on you as the topic. I like the lesson you learned about there not being a real loss in life. It is a unique lesson to learn and I'm sure you will be one of the unique lessons learned.

@Holt Great, I will do my best editing it and I will send it here right away. Thank you so much for your patience. you're such a great person!