Guys, this is just a short essay so please take a look and leave some critiques. English isn't my 1st language, therefore, critique on anything would be appreciated, from grammatical correction to restructuring the ideas of my essay. And one more thing, pls help me to trim this down into 150. I wrote about 156words, so, does anyone have any idea which part to trim down?
thanks before.
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Essay prompt: Please elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in 150 words or fewer.
Tennis
I have been playing tennis regularly since elementary school. Even today, I always try to find the time to play in the midst of my hectic schedule. However, at first, I did not enjoy this sport as I do now. My dad is a huge fan of tennis; he used to pressure me to love the game, which led to occasional quarrels.
As I grew up, I started missing it when I could not play. I thought, "What's got into me?" I realized that I have fallen in love with tennis; the competition, the art of learning the opponent's ability, the perseverance, and the sportsmanship. I eventually became addicted to tennis; I even won some local championships. Granted, I am not the Williams sisters, but one thing I believe we share in common is that none of us intended to stop playing. Yes, tennis would be my lifelong company.
I would change primary for elementary.
It actually a really good essay...I just think that you should show a little bit more your passion for tennis - show it, dont explain it...do you know what I mean?
I have been playing tennis regularly since I was at primary school. Even today, I always try to find the time to play in the midst of my hectic schedule. However, I did not naturally enjoy this sport. My dad is a huge fan of tennis; he used to push pressured me to love the game, which led to occasional quarrels got us bickering sometimes back then.
As I grew older , I started missing it whenever I could not play. I thought then, "What's got into me?" I figured out realized that I have fallen in love with the essence of playing tennis: the competition, the art of learning the opponent's ability , the value of striving until the end of the game, and the nobility to shake the opponent's hand even after getting beaten in the fiercest match. Those are values that inspired me, not only on the court but off the court as well. Tennis has taught me to live and loveit.
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I only corrected a few obvious grammar errors. I also replaced a few words to make it more concise.
English is not my native tongue either. :/
Word count: 142
I think the sentence "However, I did not naturally enjoy this sport" can be reworded as "However, at first, I did not enjoy this sport as I do now." Something like that because "naturally enjoy" doesn't quite sound right.
Thank you guys for your comments and critiques.appreciate it =)
manchesterpma: why should I change it into elementary, is there any difference? and about showing my passion for tennis, what do you suggest I should do? like, should I write about my experience, achievements, or what? thank you =)
sdawn: thank you, your awesome at trimming words.=) what do you think about the idea? like if it's strong enough for the prompt? because I see you are working on the same prompt.hehe.thanks
You're welcome, Jane!
And thanks for the compliment! :]
I think you have a pretty good idea but you should rewrite the section below to make your short answer stronger:
"I realized that I have fallen in love with tennis: the competition, learning the opponent's ability, the value of striving until the end of the game, and the nobility to shake the opponent's hand even after getting beaten in the fiercest match ."
You can shorten the red sentence (if you'd like) into one word: "sportsmanship".
I also think this sentence is a bit cliche: "Those are values that inspired me, not only on the court but off the court as well."
Also: "Tennis has taught me how to live and love." Maybe change this a little bit because it does not tie very well with the rest of the paragraph.
I think its great how you were able to enumerate why you love tennis and your history of it in under 150 words.
Best wishes!
15words into just 1word, awesome!
okay, I know, it's a little bit cliche, so I'm going to work the last two sentences soon ( not today, perhaps tomorrow) and post out my revision. Hope you'll have time to check it out and give me some more advice.
thank you Stephanie, best wishes too =)
Guys, below is my revision.
pls bother to check it out and let me know what you think.
any comments and critiques on anything to improve the essay would be much appreciated. =)=) thanks =)
In such a short essay, it might not be good to use up so many words like this at the start:
I have been playing tennis regularly since elementary school. Even today, I always try to find the time to play in the midst of my hectic schedule. However, At first, I did not enjoy tennis.
I see where the essay really starts, and it is here:
At first, I did not enjoy tennis. My dad is a huge fan of tennis; he used to pressure me to love the game, which led to occasional quarrels. As I grew up, I started ... the perseverance, and the sportsmanship.---Make this all one paragraph, and end it here with sportsmanship.
That is my idea for you... and it gives you room to add on more profound, interesting idea about tennis, and leave the reader thinking about it at the end of the essay.
:-)
Thank youuu, Kevin...
I like ur version, I think the 1st sentence is better ur style=) thanksss