Loving supportive relationships with parents; Brown Supp (Something You Created)

Hey there, just wanted to see if this made sense. Thanks for your help!:)
Prompt: What is something you created that makes you especially proud, and why?

I did homework. My mom talked on the phone. My dad worked on the computer. Seven months ago, this was routine. I lived as self-sufficiently as possible, and my parents tiptoed around me. Now, everything has changed. My father has become a bank of wisdom, the biggest advocate for my happiness, and a great hugger. My mother is an innovative problem solver, a fun movie companion, and a true role model. By making myself accountable for my relationships, I created loving, supportive relationships with my parents that will enrich my life forever. I am proud to have such amazing people for parents, and I am proud to have transformed so I can appreciate them for it.

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Your grammar and wording is good, but I'm not quite sure that you reveal enough about yourself. The point of these is to show a part of your personality. Many children go through the phase of not wanting to be involved with their parents to becoming close once they have to leave for college, you need to show how you've become a better person because of this relationship you've created. Also, you need to state more clearly what you have created. Don't say flat out "I created a relationship with my parents," but it needs to be a little more obvious than it is now.

I think you have a good idea, but your essay is vague and doesn't show much about you. Give some details for a stronger contrast between before and after you changed. Why did you change? How is this something you created?

But, it's a unique idea to work off of. Good luck!

I definitely see what you both are saying, thanks for the feedback. I decided to try out a different direction instead. Hopefully it shows a little more about me..

My mind starts ticking. I could write something meaningless, toss some words on a page and call it a poem. Or I could delve into it, throw myself in the deep end of my mind, and find something more. For this short while, my brain lifts all the analytical scrutinizing and just creates. I swirl the words around on paper, weave them in and out of each other and tie them into a neat bow. My habitual over-thinking has done me well in the past, but it is during these moments that I feel most myself. Each of my poems feels like a golden nugget, a precious relic of my mind. They make me proud of what is possible when I let go of the reasoning with which I grown so comfortable.

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