"The Luger" - Stanford Common Application essay!

Hey so this is my first shot at my common application essay, if this one doesnt sound like it would work than i can write another

Im not the best writer so this probably has MANY errors
I think i might of changed tenses a couple times, so catch the past tense if you can!
if you dont follow the essay i shot a luger for the first time and i thought it looked beautiful, and helped me deciede that i wanted to be military engineer. if you dont know how a luger shoots and cant follow my description, look up a video of it on youtube

anyway Enjoy!

The Luger

My hands stroke the smooth metallic clip, and I take a strong whiff of the sweet smell of steal. I insert each 9mm bullet into the magazine. One by one I merged the Copper, lead, and steal into one. The magazine slides and begins to slip from my sweaty palms, I quickly tighten my grip, for I would not abandon the clip. Overfilled with excitement I load the last of the copper rounds into the lustrous clip and set it gently to the side. I turn around to my grandfather, he looked at me softly and pulled it from his leather bag, the marvelous German P08 Luger. This decrepit gun dated back to the death filled days of 1941, the date stamped on the top of the gun was a constant reminder what it had gone through. The German Eagle is still inscribed onto the side, seemingly glaring at me with a cynical stare. The rough wooden grip grasped to my skin like a spider grasps to a wall. The pearly smooth stamped steal was beautiful, it was a marvel of engineering. Such a marvel, when held it lost its feel as a gun, but became a extension of the arm, one with its master.

I grazed the gun with amazement, I have never saw anything so beautiful in my life. I grab the magazine from the table in front of me, and insert it into the Luger. A satisfying click echos thought the room, letting all know the Luger is locked, loaded, and open for business.

I pull the Hammer back until it catches the copper butt plate of the bullet, I let go and let the Luger do the rest. The Breach springs forward pushing the bullet into the breaching chamber, the edges of the lead perfectly fixed into the the rifled bore that smelled of fresh oil. I lifted the Luger effortlessly and the sleek steel masterpiece became one with me. My hands sweated as I became afluttered, and I gently squeezed the trigger. Finally the trigger released the hammer, sending the mass of steal towards the bullets primer cap. The pin in the hammer hitting the cap sends a jet of heat towards the chamber of the gunpowder, combusting, then expanding and sending the mass of lead screaming forward. The sound of the releasing gasses and lead ruptures the sound of the eerie silence in the room. The remaining gas sent the breach back like a piston in a car, the joint in the middle jumping up so that the hammer can catch its next 9mm victim. The remains of its last victim fly in the air, a whisk of smoke drifts from the innards of the bullet. As the gases expire, the breach comes back, putting the new 9mm bullet into the rifled breach with perfect repetition.

I was shocked, paralyzed by the sheer power and artistic beauty. To me this was more than a hunk of metal, this was the Mona Lisa of engineering, the David to Michelangelo, the Scream to Edvard Munch, Starry Night to Van Gogh, a artistic masterpiece. I wanted to see it again, so I pulled the trigger, again and again, the Luger satisfying its hunger for its copper morsels, and I for my hunger of its artistic beauty. The steaming copper back-plates flew around the room, with the breach kicking like a horse with every shot. Finally it stopped, the breach had gone all the way back, silently telling me that the Luger's belly was empty. Smoke drifted from the chamber, lifting off into the abyss.

Most people decide there major after years of pondering, determining what they want to do for the rest of there life, Me on the other hand, knew what I wanted to do from that moment on, I wanted to be a weapon designer. I didn't think the Luger or any other gun as a killing machine, I knew its power and potential, but I didn't think of the Luger as just a object for killing, I wasn't interested in that. I experienced the Luger myself and saw what a masterfully created piece of engineering it was, a beautiful work of art, and I wanted to be its artist.

Hmmm... The whole point of writing is to describe it so that others can follow. This preface does not bode well for the essay. Will you also suggest that the admissions committee "look it up on youtube" if they cannot follow you?


Yes, you do slip out of present tense and into past tense at one point in the narrative. What I'm going to suggest is that you put the whole thing in the past tense. Use of present tense to describe a past event is a literary device that is difficult to pull off and not always appropriate. In this instance, use of the present tense for what was a past event tires the reader. Why? Because it's a long, detailed explanation. Use of the present tense preps the reader for a short, dramatic story. The reader is waiting, waiting, waiting for the drama that never comes. Simply put: This happened in the past. Use past tense!

This is a good essay but I have a couple concerns.

1. You spend a lot of time describing the gun, and your experience with the gun, but I don't seem to learn a lot about you as a person through this essay. You do spend a paragraph talking about how you want to become a weapon designer, but I think you should delve into that a little more. What does your love for the Luger/design of it reveal about you? I think if you can nail that, you'd have a pretty solid essay.

2. Although this is a unique and interesting essay, I'm not too sure how colleges would react, knowing that you enjoy designing guns/weapons.

Once again, you should focus more on YOU rather than the gun.

Overall, good essay. You have a couple grammar essays (tenses), but otherwise I like the topic and the unique approach.

Honestly, I cannot really understand this essay perhaps due to the technical terms.. perhaps you can tone it down a bit for people who do not understand guns? :)

Honestly? It is risky. Colleges may not have the reaction that you want when you talk about your love for a gun. Then again, I live in post-Columbine Colorado so things might be more sensitive here than they are other places.

Risky? yes, i know it is but its what i want to do and im not going to tell someone other wise, i tried to emphasize in the last paragraph how im not interested in the killing aspect

"I didn't think the Luger or any other gun as a killing machine, I knew its power and potential, but I didn't think of the Luger as just a object for killing, I wasn't interested in that."

i was hoping that would set off that im not some psyco maniac or anything, i just love shoting guns, not shoting people

TO SIMONE
That wasnt part of the introduction, i know i used fancy terms so i thought, hey, people might not know how the luger works because it is a unique design and i was having problems describing how the gun worked

TO CYBERTRON
Yes i did focus on the gun alot
I read the book "successesful harvard essays" and the descriptions in that book were phonominal, absolutly amazing, and thats what motivated me to write this. I put a lot of extra effort in the description of the gun and me shooting it, and not a lot of the reason why.

Thats why I put it up on here because i was hoping you guys could give me hints on what i should take out, and what i should put more emphasis on

TO MACCA
yeah i know, i know a lot about guns so i use terms not everyone can familirize with
im not sure what is the rules for the forums so i wont post a link but find someone shooting a luger to see how it works and see if there is a better, simpliciter way of writing it

^Why would changing subjects mean that you would have to tell someone otherwise? The last paragraph disturbs the flow of the essay.

The first paragraph alone is questionable. It is hard to rid oneself of the negative connotations of a gun while you are describing it as an extension of your arm. I wouldn't talk about the "victim" aspect of the gun either.

meaning i wouldnt tell someone that i dont like guns
i like engineering and the reason why is becuase i want to become a weapon engineer
and the extension of the arm thing is about the luger, if you hold one, its designed so that u could close your eyes, pick it up, and have it aimed perfectly down the sights.

and yeah true, i wanted to personify the gun as a monster eating up the rounds
but if its creepy and comes of as im a psyco path then ill take it out...

I think it's just risky talking about "your love for weapons." If you must do it then talk about something that you gained from it. The focus right now is just on the gun itself, when it should also be on you. What exactly do you get from these shooting sessions? etc...

Also, don't worry so much about the wording. Sometimes it becomes too much and one can tell you're just trying to make it sound nice. It'll actually flow better if you write with your normal vocabulary, and just stick in a few nice words here and there. Just make sure your VOICE comes out..because it's a good one.

Sorry, this will be a bit repetitive to other responses but I hope it helps ^^;

Now, it's fine if you focus on the gun, but I don't have much familiarity with Lugers, and it's not very easy to follow along this essay. As Simone said before, include a simple description -saying that it's difficult to explain would only emphasize your ineptitude for description.

I can't tell you what specifically to take out, as it's your decision to choose which is important or not, but shorten your description. Though it seems that the wonderfully described Harvard essays are also long, they are also probably concise -I notice that some of the similes were unnecessary/not very good (like a spider climbs a wall?). Use the space to incorporate your last paragraph. It seems really random right now.

Definitely work on grammar. It bothered me the whole time and made me want to stop reading it. "Mass of steal" and the constant tense changes weren't working.