"Magical Fluids": college admission essay.

Hello Essay Forum.
I am kind of very nervous with my essay and i really need proofread.
I worte the essay based on my personal experience. I tired to write the essay as concise as possible.
Please comment on content, grammar and many more things
Thank you.

Magical fluids

Since I have a weak heart, I cry easily. People say that a man should be strong and courageous but although I try my best I cannot endure the wave of tears striking me with emotion. I think I would never be able to endure tears from flowing. Maybe this is who I am.

My tears were unpredictable - it bursted our regardless of time and place. When I was in the kindergarten I had to prepare public speaking for a few months. I decided to say about my family and started to collect information with little a bit of excitement and nervousness. Finally the day had arrived and I went on to the stage. As I stood up on the stage, I cried out loud in front of hundreds of people.

Until I graduate the kindergarten, my father and grandmother used to tell me that my mother lives in America studying really hard. I believed them because they were my family. When my friend sometimes approached me and asked "Where is your mother?" I proudly answered them that she is in America studying a lot. But my friends looked as if they were struggling to decide what to believe. Ultimately they believed me but I had to re-convince them when questions like "is it true?" and "you are not lying right?" were asked. However my self-confidence was destroyed in Grade 1 when number of my friends bullied me by saying "you do not have mother!" Every time they did so, I walked home crying.

I heard the truth from my grandmother. She told me that my mother was not studying in America but past away when I was only 6 months old due to an accident. The truth was shocking. Tears exploded out of my eyes. I hated to consider myself as a motherless child and I hated the fact that my friends knew better about my mother. I buried my face in my grandmother's chest and cried.

My father dislikes me when I cry. He lost his wife, fought against diabetes for 22 years and raised 3 kids. It was obvious that my father wanted me to grow up with strong heart. However when I hear my relatives saying bad things about my father, I cannot stand up and defend my father. All I can do is to go to my room and quietly sort out my complicated mind and calm myself down with tears.

I cry because I am a human. I cry easily because I am a different than the others. I do not regret or feel ashamed of my cryings in the past. If I did not cry in the public speaking event, I would not have any memory about the incident. If I did not cry my grandmother might have kept the truth much longer. If I stood up and defended my father, I do not think I could have stayed in South Africa. For me, tears are not just water droplets. They are magical fluids.

Tolo
Magical fluids

Since I have a weak heart, I cry easily. People say that a man should be strong and courageous. Although I try my best, I cannot endure the waves of tears striking me with emotion. I think I would never be able to endure tears from flowing. Maybe this is who I am.

I think you should replace "striking" with another word. Tears don't strike you; they roll down your cheeks. Also, if you cannot endure tears from flowing, you would have broken down or died or something by now. That sentence isn't expressing what you want to say correctly. Perhaps you mean that you can never stop your tears?

My tears are unpredictable - they burst out regardless of time and place. When I was in kindergarten I had to prepare for public speaking for a few months. I decided to talk about my family, and started to collect information with a little bit of excitement and nervousness. Finally, the day arrived and I went onto the stage. As I stood on the stage, I cried out loud in front of hundreds of people.

Try rewording "collect information with a little bit of excitement and nervousness." Doesn't sound good.

Until I graduated from kindergarten, my father and grandmother used to tell me that my mother lived in America and studied really hard. I believed them, because they were my family. When my friend (only one friend asked? then you should say, "Once, my friend asked...") approached me and asked, "Where is your mother?" I proudly answered them that she is in America studying a lot. (try putting this in the form of quotations since your question was in quotations) But my friends looked as if they were struggling to believe me . Ultimately they believed me, but I had to re-convince them when questions like "Is it true?" and "You are not lying right?" were asked. However, my self-confidence was destroyed in grade one when a number of my friends bullied me by saying, "You do not have mother!" Every time they did so, I walked home crying.

I heard the truth from my grandmother. She told me that my mother was not studying in America, but passed away when I was only 6 months old due to an accident. The truth was shocking. Tears exploded out of my eyes. I hated to consider myself as a motherless child, and I hated the fact that my friends knew better about my mother. I buried my face in my grandmother's chest and cried.

My father dislikes me when I cry. He lost his wife, fought against diabetes for 22 years, and raised three kids. It was obvious that my father wants me to grow up with a strong heart. However, when I hear my relatives saying bad things about my father, I cannot stand up and defend my father. All I can do is to go to my room, quietly sort out my complicated mind, and calm myself down with tears.

I cry because I am a human. I cry easily because I am different from others . I do not regret or feel ashamed of my outbursts in the past. If I did not cry in the public speaking event, I would not have any memory about the incident. If I did not cry, my grandmother might have kept the truth from me for much longer. If I stood up and defended my father, I do not think I could have stayed in South Africa. For me, tears are not just water droplets. They are magical fluids.

It is weird to simply mention that you would not have any memory about your public speaking presentation in kindergarten if you had not cried. Answer the question, "So what?" Talk about the significance of that event, and how it contributed to your character and development. Also, your conclusion is a bit weak. Expand on your conclusion. Talk about how staying in South Africa shaped who you are today. Remember to relate back to your topic: stress how tears changed your life.

I'm still a high school student, and I'm also applying for university this year. Hope you get into your first-choice university!

Thank you VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HELP !!!
english is not my frist language so your corrections really really helped.
thank you.

Very nice beginning!
Use a comma:
People say that a man should be strong and courageous, but although I try my best I cannot endure the wave of tears striking me with emotion.

Usually, when you have a long sentence with any of these words -- and, but, or -- you need a comma.
"I know how to write compound sentences, and I always put a comma right after every conjunction."

My tears were unpredictable - they burst out regardless of time or place.

Keep it as "friends"
When my friends sometimes approached me and asked "Where is your mother?" I proudly answered them that she is in America studying a lot. But my friends looked...

My father dislikes seeing me cry.

This is my favorite essay ever! It is so real and honest. How about ending it with something about your chosen career path, something for someone sensitive and artistic?

:-)

Not a problem :) I'm still learning myself. By the way, I glanced at my corrections and caught a few more grammar errors I didn't notice the first time. I also noticed that most of your grammatical mistakes involve commas.

first paragraph:
When I was in kindergarten I had to prepare for a few months for public speaking (I think it's better if you use "presentation" instead of "public speaking.").

second paragraph:
When I was in kindergarten, I had to prepare for public speaking for a few months.

third paragraph:
Ultimately, they believed me...

Thank you EF_KEVIN !!!!

One more thing, i am kind of confused wheter to replace word "strike" in the beginning part.
Yes as fantasy suggeseted tears do not strike. But i used it to deliver strong emotional feeling. what must i do?

Thank you.

Well, a wave of something can strike you. But I don't know if you can be stricken with emotion. You can be stricken with grief, though, and grief is an emotion! I say "strike" is okay! But I do understand what fantasy is saying...