"major in Engineering" - UIUC Essay, motivation to transfer and professional goals

UIUC Essay I
Explain your motivation to transfer from your current /former institution to Illinois and how you academic interests or and professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.

My father was a high school mathematics teacher. His passion for the realm of mathematics influenced my keen interest in this subject. In middle school, my curiosity in science was sparked by participating in "Technological Innovations Competition" three times. From then on, it was obvious engineering or science would be my ideal major. However, I was assigned to the School of Business at ** University because my College Entrance Exam score was not qualified for the School of Engineering. From the first Class in college, I realized I was not meant to pursue a Business major. In fact, I am passionate about skills and applications in the business world, but in a different perspective. Changing majors is hard in China; therefore, I transferred to Saint Louis University to major in Engineering, undecided.

My SLU experience has been an explorative journey. I have utilized the resources around me to pinpoint my burning desire to study Industrial Engineering. As a Chinese student, the contrast in Industrial Engineering in China between prospective implications and start-up stage also stimulated me to share professional and ethical responsibilities as an engineer, making contributions to our community.

However, SLU doesn't offer an industrial engineering major. Following my interests, I believe the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign is a great place for me to achieve my professional goals. The excellent education system at UIUC will not only afford me opportunities to learn concepts in business-oriented disciplines, but also obtain practical experience in industrial engineering. Moreover, UIUC's environment, facilities and reputation in engineering will allow me to use my professional knowledge to give back to society. Utilizing skills learned in class, I will embark on a career where I can help manufacturers improve efficiency in productivity and optimize the integrated systems of various factors.

this is short version because of words limit. i want to think of a good starting sentence to grab attention. can anyone help me ? Also, you can point out any problems inside. Thank you!

was not enough to qualify for the School of Engineering


This long sentence didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. My suggestion would be to break it up into two sentences and rephrase slightly, so that the clarity is not lost.


This is all very good, but there is room for you to be more specific. Can you name a profession where you can utilize those skills?

I say this because optimization and improvement in efficiency are the basic principles of engineering. In other words, each and every type of engineer has to work keeping those principles in mind. It is up to you to make that distinction between industrial engineering and other branches of engineering.

Do you understand my point?

I think this is too dramatic. I would write this:
to identify the field I want to enter: Industrial Engineering.

As a Chinese student, the contrast in Industrial Engineering in China between prospective implications and start-up stage also stimulated me to share professional and ethical responsibilities as an engineer, making contributions to our community.--- this sentence is a jumbled mess. It will be better if you revise it in a simpler way. Use shorter sentences. Short sentences are punchy.

Right after you identify I.E. as your chosen field, it makes me want to hear what got you to want to do that instead of something different. Tell why, and the reader will believe that you are really motivated.

:-)