Majoring in Unafraid- Barnard Sup 2012

this is my essay, please give me feedback! I'm not a native speaker so there might be spelling/comma mistakes. ;)

I remember those warm sunny days, on the playground as a young girl. I used to swing so high, my feet nearly touched the branches. I would feel like nothing could ever stop me, like I could touch the clouds if I wanted to and tried hard enough.

At fifteen I won a scholarship to attend a UWC. Being surrounded by highly intelligent overachievers made me feel like I wouldn't be able to keep up with their pace. The frustration I experienced upon discovering my limits threatened my motivation and determination to crumble. However, with time I came to realize that the power of being the best does not compare to a strong community of individuals with different strengths and the ability to support and teach each other. Accepting my weaknesses, while appreciating my strengths by remaining humbly confident took courage. During my first year at the UWC I began what I hope will be a lifelong journey of majoring in unafraid.

Your essay is good but it is too short. Tell more about how you felt while living with the overachievers around you and also how you overcame these feelings and how you felt afterwards. Grammatically, the essay is well written. I will gothrough your second draft again.

Please read my essay too.

black and white

Thank you! This is a supplement, it is only allowed to be 1000 character which it is, so I can't add any more. Should I cut something so that I can elaborate on something else? I will read through yours!

sunnybunny,
I counted the characters(in MS-Word) and it came out to be 924. So I think you can add a couple of sentences on the points that I told you in my previous post to make your essay more effective. Also in the first line, after ....'I used to swing so high' there should be a semicolon instead of a comma because you are joining two independent sentences. Hope I was helpful!

I remember those warm sunny days, as a young girl on the playground. I would swing so high, my feet nearly touched the branches, making me feel like nothing could ever stop me, like I could touch the clouds if I wanted to and tried hard enough.

However, when at fifteen I started junior year at UWC, I found myself surrounded by highly intelligent overachievers, and thought I wouldn't be able to keep up with their pace and couldn't do everything I wanted to afterall.

The frustration I experienced upon discovering my limits threatened my motivation and determination to crumble. However, with time I came to realize that the power of being the best does not compare to that of a strong community of individuals with different strengths and the ability to support and teach each other. Accepting my weaknesses, while appreciating my strengths took maturity and courage. During my two years at the UWC I began what I hope will be a lifelong journey of majoring in unafraid.

This is what I edited, also language in general. do you think it is better?

Also do you think it is better to say

a) "...threatened my motivation and determination to crumble."

or

b) "...threatened to crumble my motivation and determination."

Thanks!!

Your revised version ig pretty good. I think ...' thretened to crumble my motivation and determination' is what you should write. Also I have revised the first paragraph for you.

I remember those warm sunny days that I used to spend as a young girl on the playground. I would swing so high that my feet nearly touched the branches and this made me feel like nothing could ever stop me. I could touch the clouds if I tried hard enough. After this modification your complete essay is coming out to be 984 characters which is quite good.