can i please have com criticism on my essay? i am kind of lost on what exactly i am supposed to write about and how i can make my essay more unique and interesting. thank you!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I believe that a person's personality and actions are determined by a person's upbringing. If a person's environment had people with bad influences, that person, too, would also turn out to be bad. If a person's upbringing had kind, hardworking people, the person would end up being kind and hardworking as well. As I began to look back on my 17 years I learned that this was actually true.
I used to think that I came from a typical Korean family that expected me to get the best grades and get into the best colleges because my parents always said to me "You don't need to be pretty or famous. You just need to become smart and successful and become a doctor or lawyer."I used to be frustrated with them because I thought that they just wanted something to brag about and not because they really wanted me to be successful. Then, as I learned more about my parents, I realized that if it weren't for them, I would not be sitting here typing this essay about my dreams and my future.
Although I am not perfect and not always kind or hardworking, I think that I came from a very good environment. My mother was an important part of this environment. When she immigrated to America, she had just graduated from high school in Korea. She married my father at a young age and got pregnant with me. She still wanted to go to college, so she studied hard and went to the California State University of Northridge while she was pregnant with me until I was three years old. For example, my mother taught me that I need to manage my time studying , hanging out with my friends and watching Korean dramas so that I would be able to have fun, but work hard as well. Of course, being a teenager, I rebelled against my mom a lot and fought, but I know she did it for my own good and my future. Slowly, near the end of freshman year, I learned quickly that I needed to stop playing around and start focusing on my future and put studying in front of my friends and dramas.
Another important part of my good environment is my father. When he immigrated to America he barely had any money and support. Even though he went to community college, he never gave up and worked hard to become a plumber, a real estate agent and an insurance agent. That is probably the reason why he wants me to be successful and become a doctor or lawyer because he wanted me to have the life he never had. After seeing the struggles that my father went through, I wanted to make him happy even more and become a doctor to show people how lucky I was to live in an environment where I can learn how lucky I was.
I have a few suggestions for your essay. I think that you are a good writer and you explain things very well. However, you should focus on some small story or detail to "catch" the reader and keep them interested. Speak of something cultural, or a tradition, and talk less about your parents' background. It is very common for these essays that students write about the whole story of their parents... make it more about you and your experiences, add small quips or something whimsical.
As I beganto look back on my 17 years, my beliefs have been confirmed.I learned that this was actually true.
I used to think that I came from a typical Korean family that expected me to get the best grades and get into the best colleges.becauseM y parents always said to me, "You don't need to be pretty or famous. You just need to become smart,and successful, and becomeget a job as a doctor or lawyer."I used to be frustrated with themIt was frustrating, because I thought that they just wanted something to brag about and not because they really wanted me to be successful.
Although I am not perfect and not always kind or hardworking, I think that I came from a very good environment.
I would re-word this sentence, it does not make you look your best, keep it positive.
